Waste Away

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Moteh, May 7, 2009.

  1. Moteh

    Moteh Member

    That seems to be all I can think about doing these days. For most of my life I think I have just postponed what I have to do to get through and now it is just too late. At 20, I should be in college, have a job to support my family, and have at least a few good friends. I managed to get into college, but I am not doing too well in it. I don't have a job and my closest friend as of right now is someone who at times creeps the hell out of me.

    School is crap and I question my choice every day. I thought I was doing alright first semester, but then I started accounting and all of a sudden I feel like getting hit in the head with a brick every time I go to school. I also feel like I am just using school as a scapegoat to get away with not having a job and still living with my mother.

    I spent a lot of time playing an online game in the past(WoW) and made very good friends on it. I went back to the game not too long ago, but didnt do anything hardcore to keep me playing, I just wanted to hang out with the friends I made on it and that is the only way I can because we all live in different areas. I feel like they are my best friends and no one comes closer, but I can't really hang out with them like real friends, so I constantly ponder about that. All of my friends from high school are just lost causes(well...most of them). For the most part, we did what we knew would happen. We said our goodbyes and for the most part never looked back, though some times we talk on facebook. My newest friend I am not too sure how close we are. I think I keep him around because I want someone to talk to to remind myself that I am still someone who people might possibly want t talk to. The guy is very nice, but there are times he makes me question his sanity. An example would be yesterday. He followed me home so he could see the inside of my apartment. I don't mean cloak and dagger style. He was right in front of me in the subway and I told him he wasn't going to. Being the pushover I randomly am, I caved in after 30 minutes of him and I talking outside of my building instead of beating him down like I should have. I let him see the quagmire that is my apartment and he left right after. in the end, I felt shamed on the same level as someone who just nailed a hooker and didn't have enough cash.

    My love life is far from acceptable in my eyes. In high school, there was a time when a girl and I had feelings for each other, but she felt that we shouldn't be together for a number of reasons. this cat and mouse game went on for a while until right before christmas break, she gave me a christmas card with a 2 page list of why we should never be together. I went out with this other girl but I knew it wouldn't end well. We broke up and stayed friends, but me being...me, I pushed it a step further and now she will never acknowledge my existance again. there is a woman I have known for a long part of my life and we have always had a bit of something going on, but nothing ever happened. At first I thought it was just and on again - Off again crush, but I feel like it is a bit more of an obsession for me these days. This whole time I have been typing, I have not stopped thinking about her but I know nothing can or ever will happen.

    As for other woman in my life, I seem to be the mediator for them. An exaple would be the last house party I went to. Instead of being happy the whole time, I was stuck in the bathroom with two girls....helping them through their lives with their boyfriend and girlfriend until 5a.m. I wouldn't be annoyed by this fact so much if it wasn't for the fact that this seems to be the story of my life. It isn't always in the bathroom, or at a party, or until morning, but I always keep the relations they have going. Even when I am in the equation and the girl has feelings for me, I point her right back at her current boyfriend/girlfriend with my only excuse being "You will be happier this way".

    All of this and I don't feel I have scratched the surface of what is bothering me. I have a list of what I feel is wrong with me written on paper, but I don't want to bring it out because....just.....Christ does it depress the hell out of me! Every time I look at it, I notice something is missing, so I am always adding to it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2009