fedup, :hug:
WOW, you don't want to keep stuffing all that inside! Best to just say it like it is and get it out there. Not a single thing you said I haven't at one point in time ranted in my own journal about. Well, except the bit about people should just do it and their seeking attention for posting about it and that this site is not helpful. I don't agree.
But the bit about: 1). "theyre going to kill themselves, yet if someone else says they are, theyre like - oh no, youve go so much to give, blah blah blah." 2). the only reason i havent done it yet is cos i dont have the guts. 3). people telling people who want to kill them selves not to be selfish IS selfish 4). nobody helps you when you need it, but after you die its all..if only wed known. 5). the amounts of times ive 'definitely decided to do it tonight'. god i wish i had.
All of that, very frustrating and very true. But if I could add another perspective to this, (two heads better than one routine) you can also see it like this:
1). People who are depressed and feeling suicidal almost 100% of the time see only the worst in themselves and in their situations. Other people around them don't see it that way. They see lots of hope and potential and purpose. WHY? I don't know, maybe because depression is an illness that acts like a filter over your eyes that hides all hope, joy and happiness. It robs us of reason and purpose. But, we can still see the good in others. Maybe it has to do with the old addage, "it's easier to fix someone elses problems than your own." lol. In either case, A person can be suicidal and still see the good and hope and purpose in others. And, they can probably see it more clearly and more truthfully than the depressed person who has the blindfold of depression on.
2). Me too. But another way to see it is this, "the only reason I haven't done it yet is because I know there are no take backs, it's permanent. And I don't know whats going to happen after I die, what if it's worse? (fear) And sometimes I imagine my little sister who has a key to my apartment coming in and finding my dead body and what will that do to her? (regret) And sometimes I think about the funeral and expenses people will have to put out." (burden) And sometimes I think (and this is the things that sometimes REALLY gets me angry and frustrated) sometimes I think tht maybe things will change. What if things are destined to change tomorrow and I kill myself today? I've just robbed myself of my own future happiness. (hope) The reason it angers me, and I think you will agree, is it's the proverbial carrot that life keeps dangling in front of us and we keep running after but are never allowed to get. When you express your frustration with 10 years of struggle, thats 10 years chasing after that $#@! carrot and it's frustrating! Angry! Resentful and Bitter! But, it's also not true. The idea that you are not going to get that carrot ever is not true. Depression is curable! It is. but it's not an easy journey. There is hope, it's just very difficult to keep believing in it, but it is there. All it takes is that one day. Maybe it's the breakthrough in therapy you've been waiting for and it all snaps together. (thats happened for some) or maybe its the day when you meet the person your going to fall in love with and live happily ever after with (thats happened for some) or maybe you'll have reached out to others and received enough support to build a new network of friends of help to get you through this. (thats happened for some) And there are more. There is hope.
3. Poeple are trying to be helpful and sometimes miss the mark. They mean well, at least i like to think so. But yes, people telling people who are suicidal that they are just being selfish is about as useful and changing a tire with a banana.
4. We can help people when they need it. We can encourage them to see things differently. Even though depression has clouded many peoples vision of a more balanced persepctive of themselves and their future doesn't mean we can't help them to see it differently. And we do help people to see it differently, ever day. And Seeing things differently is not any less true than seeing things clouded in depression. We both don't know what tomorrow holds. The future is not a place we can see into like the past. And often we look at the past and from that make the assumption that the future is just going to be more and more of it. BUT that is not a fact or truth. Tomorrow could be altogether different and you can't tell me it can't.. because we don't know and it's just as likely to be better as worse. you could argue that statistically 10 years of unhappiness is a pattern and therefore the future is likely to maintain that patter BUT the future doesn't work like that. It's not about statistically and past historical data. like I said, tomorrow could have a life changing event that sets you on a completely different path from the last 10 years.
5). Once you are on the lowest rung of depression and really, really intend to suicide that emotion sticks around. Whether you attempt or not your mind is still stuck in the very low rung of depression and it still seems like the right course of action. The emotion is NOT the thought and NOT the action. Personal Example: I FEEL utterly without hope, mental anguish, and it's unbearable...I THINK enough is enough, I can't go on like this anymore. Its my ACTION next that makes all the difference, yes? Just before the action I have new thoughts and feelings. I feel FEAR of the unknown and I DOUBT this is really going to give me the results I want. and I then have a rational thought, "I can't go through with it, somethings not right. I'll give myself a bit more time." Ever had someone tell you a lie and your pretty sure its a lie but your not sure? Thats what I feel when I get to a suicide attempt. Something is wrong, somethings isn't right, I'm not sure about this. etc.. And, once the ACTION has been avoided we go back to the FEELINGS of utterly without hope, mental anguish, and it's unbearable. Because the feelings are still there. Even after an attempt I feel like, "I wish it had worked, or why did I call or go in, etc.. " The feelings are still there and so the thoughts are still there. Once the FEELINGS go down the THOUGHTS go down as well and suicide becomes an unnecessary response.
So, Anything you can do to change your thoughts or feelings or actions at any point in the process will also change your suffering and future. Avoidance and distration are immediate. Watch a movie, play a video game, go for a walk and count each step, call a friend, call your Dr. or ask for a nurse, call a hotline, cleaning, etc.. Try to get your mind on something else. A happy memory. It's a good idea to have pictures of happy events on your fridge or visible at times like this. Focus on how you felt then, not now. And, this works for me, journal. Once I can get to the point where I can wirte I just let it all out. It helps. Like what you wrote is practically out of my journal just two days ago. I was very sure I was going to do it and that nothing would stop me. The feelings and the thoughts were all there and no messing around, this was it. We're going to have these feelings and thoughts. They are very powerful. But I'm very glad you and I have resisted the lie that suicide is the answer. Not so that we can go on being miserable, but so we can have a chance for happiness.
