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Wasted life

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meilma

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#1
So, I am a physician. I am also an addict and alcoholic. I have just been let go from my job. Because I have a report on the NPDB I can not get another. My youngest daughter just started college. My other daughter is getting married in June. We have very little in our retirement account and very little in savings, both because of alcoholism. What I do have is 1.2 million in life insurance. I calculate that if I kill myself my family will be able to pay off the house, and if they are frugal have enough to last into retirement. It is not just the money though, I can no longer feel happiness. If I had done things right I would have it made, plenty to retire on while spending all that I wanted. I have been planning my death for quite awhile, exit bag, xxxxxx, plan to rent a hotel room,
 
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Datura

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#2
So... why don't you go to rehab? Are you certain they will be able to collect on the policy if such an act is carried out?
 

meilma

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#3
I have been to rehab and am currently in recovery. However, I cannot find another job as a physician and we only have money for one year max. It would take to long to find another, and few people want to hire a 57 year old anyway. And I am 95% sure that I can collect. As far as I can determine Maryland does not allow a suicide exclusion if you have had the policy for at least two years, which is the case.
 
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meilma

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#5
They would certainly be very sad, at first. And I know that money is not the most important thing. However, I am the only one responsible for the situation that I am in. And when I imagine having to sell the house and move into an apartment or something I know that I could not stand the looks of sadness and pity. While I am here I am a constant source of depression. If I was dead I would hardly ever be thought of after a few months.
 

letmedisappear

Well-Known Member
#6
I highly doubt that it would take only a few mere months for a mother to be forgotten!!! And perhaps you can try to help yourself for your depression as well. Maybe try some medication. Look for places looking to employ. Maybe some friends and other family members would be concerned as well; see if you can talk to them. Maybe they could help with your situation, both emotional and financial. There's always help out there, just look for it!
 

letmedisappear

Well-Known Member
#8
If I may ask of you, try reversing roles. How would you feel if one of your daughters were to go through with what you are suggesting? Or one of your friends?
 

meilma

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#9
Daughter, I would absolutely think she had done the wrong thing. Friend, I might actually think that they had finally done the right thing. And I think that a few months of severe grief is preferable to 20 years of sadness (which is my estimate of when I would die of natural causes).
 
#10
But life doesn't have to be sad. As I said, maybe try some medication, look for employment, find someone that could help with your situation, both emotional and financial. There IS help out there!
 

meilma

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#11
I am looking for employment but have been unsuccessful. I have looked at non-clinical jobs, can't find anything. And almost anyone would rather be dead than a greeter at Walmart. I really can't afford to go to a counselor.
 

Datura

Well-Known Member
#12
However, I am the only one responsible for the situation that I am in.
And you would be equally responsible (even posthumously) for their grief.

In a couple of years I would hardly be thought of at all.
There are no guarantees. When your daughters have children, they will undoubtedly think of you.

Part of your issues stem from pride. You don't want to move into an apartment, you are uneasy with the "pitiful" looks you might receive, and you want to work in a place that is not so far away from your ideal.

Look into vocational rehabilitation.
 
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