wasted life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by worthlessbeing, Sep 30, 2012.

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  1. worthlessbeing

    worthlessbeing New Member

    new here. alot of this will be rambling. i have a lot of thoughts that run through my head. i want to scream them out but i cant. i hide behind a perpetual smile. i wish it was just a boyfriend breakup or a bored with life problem. its not. its medical. i am waiting to be diagnosed with a terminal illness. long story. dont want to get into it. that isnt whats screaming in my head right now. i wasted my life. i wasted it on worrying about boys, school, bullys, money, all stuff that could be changed. what i will go through in the future, the near future, can not be changed. i will bring horrible pain and suffering to my children as they watch me die. i am a worthless human being. god is punishing me. i dont know if there is a god but people say there is and with all the suffering in the world , this must be part of my punishment. i see the faces of my children in my head all the time. i see how they will cry over me. i know my oldest will kill her self. she is so dependent on my and we have no family. and i mean NO FAMILY. there are no aunts uncles grandparents nothing. i have an adult child and three small children. not getting into the no family part just know that there really isnt any alive. why am i worthless? how dare i have children! how could i have done such a stupid thing!! now i will cause horrible pain and angony upon them as they watch me suffer and die. i hate myself! i hate myself!!! stupid stupid stupid! i am rambling because i am trying not to let the thoughts of suicide take over. i want suicide so i dont have to watch there faces, see their tears, worry about what will happen to them. who will take care of them. all my children are alone. i am there only family. i am a horrid person.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur are not a horrid person Your children love you very much if you were such a horrid person they would not love you I am glad you are letting the thoughts out hun so you can them and realize it is depression that is saying all these dark things. You hun are a good mother and your children will always love you always wasted life no you have children they are not waste life hun they are who you are someone very special.
  3. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    You are a lovely human being who loves her children. You should spend as much time as you can with your children. Don't waste your time with depression and anger. Those emotions are meaningless now. You are not dead yet.
  4. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Did you know, when you had your children, that you would develop a terminal illness? I suspect not. You didn't choose this situation therefore it isn't your fault. Try to forgive yourself, if you can.

    You have time. Why not use that to help your children to deal with your loss? To be able to look after each other when you're gone? Your children are not alone. They have each other. Teach them that. Teach them that you love them, beyond anything else. They can take that with them even after you've gone.

    You have no choice over dying. You CAN choose what to do with the time you have left.

    Good luck.
    (ps. I'm sorry if I seem harsh or anything.)
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I hope you won't mind, I am staying hopeful for you - that when the diagnosis is determined, it won't be terminal.

    And what everyone else has said is true - spend the time you have, whether you are terminally ill or not, enjoying your time with your kids. We all go through bad times in our lives, so we all worry and "waste" time...we are only human. It's hard not feel the rough patches and not to worry about things. Hindsight can always show us the "if onlys" - berating ourselves in hindsight is not fair because we cannot change the past. I would say make the most of the rest of your life, enjoy lots of time with your kids. They know you love them. Now be gentle with yourself, too. :hug:
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