new here. alot of this will be rambling. i have a lot of thoughts that run through my head. i want to scream them out but i cant. i hide behind a perpetual smile. i wish it was just a boyfriend breakup or a bored with life problem. its not. its medical. i am waiting to be diagnosed with a terminal illness. long story. dont want to get into it. that isnt whats screaming in my head right now. i wasted my life. i wasted it on worrying about boys, school, bullys, money, all stuff that could be changed. what i will go through in the future, the near future, can not be changed. i will bring horrible pain and suffering to my children as they watch me die. i am a worthless human being. god is punishing me. i dont know if there is a god but people say there is and with all the suffering in the world , this must be part of my punishment. i see the faces of my children in my head all the time. i see how they will cry over me. i know my oldest will kill her self. she is so dependent on my and we have no family. and i mean NO FAMILY. there are no aunts uncles grandparents nothing. i have an adult child and three small children. not getting into the no family part just know that there really isnt any alive. why am i worthless? how dare i have children! how could i have done such a stupid thing!! now i will cause horrible pain and angony upon them as they watch me suffer and die. i hate myself! i hate myself!!! stupid stupid stupid! i am rambling because i am trying not to let the thoughts of suicide take over. i want suicide so i dont have to watch there faces, see their tears, worry about what will happen to them. who will take care of them. all my children are alone. i am there only family. i am a horrid person.