Watch me fall....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~PinkElephants~, Feb 23, 2008.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I feel really empty lately, drained emotinally, physically and mentally. All I have wanted to do is cry. I walked out of the house the other day to go to the store and just drove and cried. I find myself getting lost in thought and just balling my eyes out. I'm so tired of feeling this lost and half the time not knowing why. Yeah, I could blame it on my past. I could sit here and say it's because of being raped, the abuse, the things my mother said, I. etc. etc. The truth is right now, I don't place blame on my past at all. I don't know what my problem is. I'm at a loss.

    I've kept quiet lately, in chat, on msn, and anywhere else. I've kept to myself on how I feel because I don't know how to even begin. I don't even know if I want to talk about it. I feel safe. How odd is that? I feel safety in my pain. I feel comfort knowing that at least I'm feeling something. Isn't it better to feel pain than be completely numb. I find comfort in the knowledge that if I hurt, even it's hurting myself, I'm still alive. Alive, that's good right? It's good to still feel the air escape from my lungs, isn't it? Frankly, I don't know up from down let alone if it's good to be here.

    I live for a little boy. He's almost 8 and he's incredible. yeah, we've heard it all before, but it's the truth. I live for him and only him. I do not live for me. I don't desire the things any other ordinary 28 year old desires. I would like to be loved for me but I don't crave it. I feel it's too far from reach to ever grasp. I don't crave to even have friends. I've isolated myself for so long in the real world that it's like what's the point. I socialize only when I have to. If I don't have to I won't.

    I just want to shed my fears, shed my hatred and just be me. ME, the real me, not this fake, hidden fearful woman that people think they know. I want to be real. I want to feel, I want to love, I want to crave life like there's no tomorrow. I just wish that I found that remotely plausible.

    Dad keeps telling me once/if I lose the weight the selfesteem will be there. Truth is, even if I lose the weight and I become "beautiful" on the outside, I will still feel lost on the inside. I will still feel like all the opposite sex wants is me for one thing.

    I just wish my mind wasn't so warped and screwed up. I just wish people would see me for me. I just wish I wasn't viewed as something/someone I am not.

    wishing sucks...it never comes true....notice me fall....notice me cry...just notice damnit!!!

    Ugh....
     
  2. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    The fact that you want to get better is a start. As to how you could do it, well really it depends if you've got any big issues which need to be dealt with. If you have dealt with the issues from the past and you're still feeling crap, then I would think you need to determine the reason why. This may involve asking a few questions as to why until you get to the root of the problem. If it's just a case that your mind's a complete mess, well I've been there and done that .. it wasn't until I made some changes in life that I began to sort myself out. There isn't a magic formula for believing in oneself. If you hate yourself, it is possible to change and reinvent yourself, although it takes a lot of effort and determination.

    But you need to face up to some fears and hurts, they can't just be kept hidden in the background if you're going to get better and stay better. Hope you can find a way.
     
  3. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Theres a lot of guys out there that just want someone to share there life with, sex is a small part of that, Many, like myself, just just want someone to grow with, go out together, go see a movie, a concert, play cards with, talk about life, what they want to do in the future, travel together, learn new things, go to the beach, for a walk, share hobbies together, share some romance, have a hug...etc etc.

    There has to be other guys out there that feel the same way.
     
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    whatever.....

    empty meanings...

    empty words.....

    nothing....
     
  5. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    Well, I can give you one small meaningful hug :hug:
     
  6. Hatemylife88

    Hatemylife88 Well-Known Member

    Give her truth:mellow:
     
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok here comes truth.

    Truth is all the shit thats landed on you, you somehow think you asked for it or were to blame for.
    Truth is, you wait for the blow, the next hurtful word. the next "lets fuck with Kells" moment.
    Somehow Kells, you have to let go, you have to get all the nasty shit things that have been said and done to you and throw them out.
    Write it all down, every damn rotten thing said, every hurtful word and action..scream it on to the paper then stick it in an email and post it to me.
    Get it out into the light of day and then close the damn page.

    I'll walk every step of the way with you, but you are the only one who can let it all go. :hug:
     
  8. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i do not care about what others think of me anymore. if they hate me fuck them(excuse the language). If they think I'm a bitch fuck them. If they think somehow I'm evil, rotten, etc. well, fuck them. They don't know anything about me and have never even bothered to ask or try.

    You said it best to me one night terry. You said "he" never even bothers to see how i am or what is beneath the anger, what is at the root of it all. To be honest I don't know what's at the root of it anymore. I think it's all the self doubt and loathing, I think it was beaten into my head that I wasn't much. Who knows?

    I'm done with alot of the shit. I'm done pretending that it matters b/c it doesn't. You're right. At the end of the day only I can brave the storm and fight through this all. Only I can do it. Frankly I'd try if I gave damn but I don't know if I do. I have to dig so deep that I don't know if it's worth the digging. Who knows?

    Thanks for your words.

    And to hatemylife88..give me truth. WTF did you even offer in that sentence...pointless post. Don't you think?
     
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Kanani. I didn't realize that you we're so sad on the inside. I'm sorry if you were offended by anything that I said before. I was just joking around with you. You're a nice person for caring for your nephew like he was your own son. I hope that you can feel happy someday, and I hope that you will oneday meet a guy who will love you for who you are.