I just wanted to say I have I have been crying off and on since 3 pm...it is 12 midnight here....I wanted to rant and don't know how. I dislike frowning and run out of tissue. I needed to tackle a big cleaning job of a pile of containers and boxes in the corner to move and make end tables. As I was moving things, A pic fell out. I turned it over to look at my ex before we married. He was MY guy. I love him. He said he was never going anywhere. And he did. He left me, cuz my behavior was terrible. I HATE me. I think I have always hated myself, but this is the tops. I don't want to be alone for the holidays. I miss him so much!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel my insides hollow and harden. I just want to talk to him, hear that he forgives me.....give me a reason to live. True I know I really want him to come back and be in love with me. But I saw his face and I know he cut me out of his heart, That is what hurts. He won't tell me anything about our son or why he can't love me again. Part of me thinks he cannot talk to me cuz he does not want to face or deal with the fact that he left me and hurt. I avoid doing paperwork cuz that means dealing with the fact that I am alone. And NO ONE wants to be around me. It makes me feel so god awfully stupid!!!!!!! I used to be very independent. I finished college, and now am wasting away. I AM NOTHING! It feels so alone that the only lifeline I have is online. That I know I can't do anything right and I will be alone forever or die trying to kill myself. I feel close to cleaning up and just doing it. If you don't feel like posting a reply no probleml. I just hate this terrible, sucking, awful stupid fricken thing.