waterworks

Discussion in 'Let it all out...' started by TLA, Nov 14, 2006.

  1. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I just wanted to say I have I have been crying off and on since 3 pm...it is 12 midnight here....I wanted to rant and don't know how.
    I dislike frowning and run out of tissue.
    I needed to tackle a big cleaning job of a pile of containers and boxes in the corner to move and make end tables. As I was moving things, A pic fell out.
    I turned it over to look at my ex before we married.

    He was MY guy. I love him. He said he was never going anywhere. And he did. He left me, cuz my behavior was terrible. I HATE me. I think I have always hated myself, but this is the tops. I don't want to be alone for the holidays.

    I miss him so much!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel my insides hollow and harden. I just want to talk to him, hear that he forgives me.....give me a reason to live. True I know I really want him to come back and be in love with me. But I saw his face and I know he cut me out of his heart, That is what hurts. He won't tell me anything about our son or why he can't love me again.

    Part of me thinks he cannot talk to me cuz he does not want to face or deal with the fact that he left me and hurt.

    I avoid doing paperwork cuz that means dealing with the fact that I am alone. And NO ONE wants to be around me. It makes me feel so god awfully stupid!!!!!!! I used to be very independent. I finished college, and now am wasting away. I AM NOTHING!

    It feels so alone that the only lifeline I have is online. That I know I can't do anything right and I will be alone forever or die trying to kill myself.

    I feel close to cleaning up and just doing it. If you don't feel like posting a reply no probleml. I just hate this terrible, sucking, awful stupid fricken thing.
     
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Sorry that I can't really offer you any advice, TLA ... but I can offer you some :hug: s .... :)

    So :hug: :hug: :hug: :)

    Take care as best you can :)

    Joe
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    There and wearing the T-shirt !!!

    Have exactly the same moments, always some damn little thing that reminds you of better times or times u had with him. It's like suddenly being gutted by a large knife.

    Funny my hubby can't look at me either, when he came round to collect some of his things you would have thought I ended it the way he behaved...guilt I guess.

    Do you feel like you're stuck in some kind of limbo? I know I do. I guess it's not really accepting it's over.

    Don't worry about the crying, i seem to go off into crying jags all the time, i just think of them as part of the healing process...can't wait to get good and mad.
     
  4. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Thank you Joe, and Devasted,

    It really makes a difference when people show they care. I felt the hugs and love at he right time. I may not have much hope in me, but maybe can find friends here to hang onto until tomorrow.

    I do feel gutted out from the inside out. But, I also feel dead inside. that no one more can hurt me. The walls are back up and now instead of 2 layers, there are 5 layers. THICK, STRONG, TOUGH, BRICK WALLS!! I cry cuz I cannot accept that he rejected me. I don't want my life to be over cuz of that Rat Bastard.

    But, I doubt I can do this??? Live?? Why??

    It is so bad when you isolate yourself cuz you are in a funk of a depression and then you don't know how to get out of that funk. Why try?
    I want to just SSSSCCCCCRRRREEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

    I need a place to go or pay to go into a padded isolation booth to let it out.

    I know ex has to feel guilty, cuz he can't deal with it. I was honest and I trusted him with everything I had. He did not share equally with me. HE KNEW THAT I HAVE LOST EVERY MAN I MY LIFE AND HE PROMISED TO STAY WITH ME ALWAYS! His words were, 'I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE"....He did not keep the promise or his vows.
    I don't want this longing in my heart, these tears in my eyes, this neediness in my arms, this stab of pain in my gut each time I think of him and my son, WITHOUT ME. (gulps to breathe thru tears).

    Thank you for hearing me. Thank you SF!!
     
  5. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Thank you Joe, and Devasted,

    It really makes a difference when people show they care. I felt the hugs and love at he right time. I may not have much hope in me, but maybe can find friends here to hang onto until tomorrow.

    :rant:
    I do feel gutted out from the inside out. But, I also feel dead inside. that no one more can hurt me. The walls are back up and now instead of 2 layers, there are 5 layers. THICK, STRONG, TOUGH, BRICK WALLS!! I cry cuz I cannot accept that he rejected me. I don't want my life to be over cuz of that Rat Bastard.

    But, I doubt I can do this??? Live?? Why??

    It is so bad when you isolate yourself cuz you are in a funk of a depression and then you don't know how to get out of that funk. Why try?
    I want to just SSSSCCCCCRRRREEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
    :WTF:

    I need a place to go/or pay to go into a padded isolation booth to let it out.

    I know ex has to feel guilty, cuz he can't deal with it. I was honest and I trusted him with everything I had. He did not share equally with me. HE KNEW THAT I HAVE LOST EVERY MAN I MY LIFE AND HE PROMISED TO STAY WITH ME ALWAYS! His words were, 'I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE"....He could have just talked to me. He din't even try to help me be healthy....did he really LOVE me as much as he said he did. He did not keep the promise or his vows. :furious:

    I don't want this longing in my heart, these tears in my eyes, this neediness in my arms, this stab of pain in my gut each time I think of him and my son, WITHOUT ME. (gulps to breathe thru tears).

    Thank you for hearing me. Thank you SF!!
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Yeah my hubby said exactly the same thing..I'll never leave, I'll never love anyone but you blah de blah de blah.

    Best news in your post ...." I don't want my life to be over cuz of that Rat Bastard."

    That's the spirit girl. This will pass and he will become nothing more than a memory.

    Meanwhile we're here, we're listening and we're saying FUCK THE BASTARD!!!
     
  7. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    OH MY WORD!!!
    Right, Right, Right, ***K HIM.
    I am trying so hard to hand on now....it just hurts my heart so much that he did not even look/see any options or how it would affect others. I wonder if he really wanted to stay married to me forever or if he just wanted a child and to hell with you.

    We all know that depression is hard on the whole family. Brain disorders are the hardest illness to deal with. But, to deal with death and right after divorce and rejection, abandonment did make me want to die so many times.
    I don't want to die because he left me at the worst ever time and basically forsake me.

    I want to learn HOW to not think suicide is an option.

    I wish he backed up his words with true, honest actions. I am finding MANY liars in the world. You sound Devestated like you have gotten closer to accepting than I am, or at least closer to getting MAD.

    I don't ever think he will ever be a memory for me. No matter how long I live I will always wish for that life with him.

    If I fight back and don't die, what does that tell him? what does that tell my son, if I can't see him until he is older? I WANT to die cuz he took my child away from me. I will never forget he did this to me.

    TLA
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry I didn't get back sooner, only had a bit of a crisis.

    Have you seen anyone, lawyer, social worker etc about access to your son?

    Your husband can't just arbitrarily withold your child from you. No matter that you suffer from depression you should still have legal access.

    I've come to the conclusion that we should never truly trust anyone (after this)
    my husband plotted and connived for months before just walking out the door (he got me to sign all my rights to the house over to him) and worse..whenever I asked if anything was wrong he convinced me that it was all in my head.

    So hun we girls need to stick together. Get some legal advice on getting some access to your child. If you're thinking can't deal with that yet...fair enough..but hold onto to the thought that when you feel stronger you have rights to your child.