Way too fucking much at once!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Jun 20, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    So basically my mother has threw me out because I "Wouldn't tidy my whole room" Now I know I seem stupid for not doing it, but my room is quite small and I have too much stuff, books, games, ournaments, clothes, all stuff I was unwilling to throw out.
    My mother really has washed her hands of me now, I'm getting tired of her crap anyways.
    This is what has been going on and still is.

    My mother kicked me out about 2 weeks ago with next to no clothes as she had been ignoring how desperate I was, and expected her mother to buy me clothes and my grandmother was trying to bribe me with cleaning the room, and as you can see from above it's near impossible.

    I then am kicked out and take some medication and spend the rest of the day with the worst stomach cramps imaginable.

    I've got severe social anxiety problems and I struggle to even walk to the front gate every morning, and I now have to travel 2 hours to school and 2 hours back, 3 busses there and 3 busses back.

    I have a girl in class who's started cutting herself more since I stopped covering my scars, and my teacher has implied it's my fault as I've got really bad scars from not having stitches when I needed them and she's trying to compete against me or something like that.

    I've literally just finished 1 of my exams and have been under a lot of stress over it.

    I keep having nightmares.

    After 2 and a half years the police called to tell me they're dropping off some of my fathers things he had on him when he got killed.

    I'm not allowed to self harm and I've had to do the weights to stop myself from pulling my hair out from the stress, my arms and legs ache from doing it.

    I'm barely eating anything because I'm too stressed to eat, I've had a little bit of bread, a chocolate bar and a bit of icecream today, and yesterday I had a choclate bar, a bowl of cereal and a couple pieces of toast, and it continues like that, some days more food than others.

    Everything my mother called me in the past stays in my mind. I'm terrified that her bipolar may kick in and she'll hurt herself. I'm wracked with guilt that she's having to move out because since I'm living at my uncles the money goes to him (child support) and she may lose her job and have to live in a rough area.

    Today she brought down some of my stuff (most of the main things my uncle had bought me after my dad died)
    She didn't bring my tv like my uncle requested (it was his)
    Brought the ps3 without the controller, charger or wires to even make it able to work.
    Has brought 3 pairs of pants and 1 top, 2 pairs of tights that have so many holes they're unusable, a couple tops I haven't wore in years because they don't fit.
    And there honestly isn't any clothes left in the house worth getting.

    I've also got depressed friends online I'm advising at the minute, stopping them from self harming or even killing themselves.

    I've had to borrow money off an ex boyfriend and I've got a bad feeling it's going to come back to haunt me.

    My family on my dads side hate her because she's a selfish, vindictive bitch that puts her own needs before mine. She blames me for things that are her fault and will spend her money on marijuana and cigarettes and say she hasn't got enough money for me.

    I've got a feeling she's sold my pet rabbit because she won't let me have the rabbit back.

    It's all just in my head at once, 1 parent is dead and the other has threw me out for a reason so trivial like not tidying my room. *Facepalm* She says I'm disrespectful and I don't believe I am. I don't rob off her, steal off her, I don't swear at her, I don't break things, I've not brought the police to the door.
    I'm nice to her, I ask how she is, there are things I can't do.
    I can't do the dishes at times, I get a voice screaming at me not to touch the dishes and I end up vomiting if I try (Eating disorder)

    It's just... Grr, all too much at once and I can't fucking take it anymore.
    Everything going wrong is my fault and I can't be any better than I currently am, I feel like I'm going insane. I'm not letting myself cry, I'm spending my time talking to myself and trying not to talk about it much.
    But it never helps.
    I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are going through this...is there a counselor involved, or someone at social services? Maybe, this person can arrange a family meeting to try to resolve all the issues that are going on...also, since you get a check, will you uncle give you an allowance so that you have what you need?
     
  3. MikeTRobot

    MikeTRobot Active Member

    Ellie, you can cry if it will make you feel better after, and you can talk on here about things as much as you want. Holding things in doesn't help. They erupt out all at once and it makes things worst, makes you do things you regret. Trust me.
     
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