we all mostly feel terrible, don't we?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aeommai, May 6, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. aeommai

    aeommai Active Member

    how are we supposed to deal with it?
    everyday, i go through the same pattern of things. it's always the same.
    I'll get up and go to school, and then go to work with my parents, maybe finish some work for school and get some internet stuff out of the way, then it's home again.

    everyday, my parents fight about something or other. my mother is sick with all kinds of health problems. I'm really only around for her.

    my dad, he's sad about everything that's happening. he gets sad about things, and he gets depressed, but he also gets angry. he once threatened to kill me, he swerved the car he was driving on my side as if to smash it into a telephone poll a little way away, swerved back, and said something like "call children's services, i don't care!"
    he said he'd leave, and all the other things.
    he said i was the worst of his kids, and alot of other things.
    it's okay though, he's only sad because he lost his life savings, and he was a millionaire, but he sent it all away to relatives so they could look after, and they won't give him any back.
    and because my uncle tried to kill himself, and blamed my dad for messing up his life.
    it's complicated.

    but, after all of that, i got really sad about things, and tried to spend alot more time with my best friend, who made me feel so much better the last time i was like this, but, she had her own thing going, and she said she wanted space, that i was too clingy, whole nine yards.

    it hurt me a lot. here was someone who promised to be there for me, who i've shared so much with, who i've always wanted to make happy, and they just left without waving goodbye.

    if someone close to me can do something like this, how could anyone else i ever meet not do the same thing when i feel sad again?

    it doesn't help that, most people i meet tend to think im weird and creepy.
    even when i thought i was being nice, it was creepy.

    jeez. when did people start acting like such divas?

    when my best friend stopped talking to me, i gave up on school. i couldn't do it anymore. every time i tried doing anything, it just all came back to me. i started a journal in january, but that just makes me even more sad.

    i started reading all these old emails me and my friend sent me, and they made me so happy.
    but i felt sad because i can never get that back.

    it was the last straw.
    i'm a weak little boy, and i couldn't deal with all of it. i've gotten ill. i get random pains in my sides, and chest, and for some odd reason, recently, my neck's started hurting. it's weird.

    and well i know i wrote a lot, but what am i supposed to do now?
  2. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    Try starting anew?

    Sometime change is good, try finding a new groups of friends to hang out with.

    Keep writing, it can be a way to relax and express some anger and agony.
  3. aeommai

    aeommai Active Member

    i've tried.
    but in my time in school, i've spent those years trying to keep the small group of friends i had happy. everyone else around me either thinks im weird or creepy.
    the people that don't hang around with my best friend, and i cant deal with her look.

    if she sees me, or if i join in to where she is sitting. she will leave.
    it hurts me a little bit more to know that this was my best friend once.

    everytime i try to do anything about anything, i keep on remembering.
    how can i ever find anyone to talk to, when this person who promised me she'd make me feel better when i was said, who told me how awesome i was, was repulsed by me to the point where she ran away?

    its not fair, if i were a pretty boy...

    i don't like it, i don't like the people, and every day i get alittle more angry and dead inside. i've been thinking about how to get them back.
    then i feel guilty and think about suicide, to get rid of all the thoughts.
    suicide would help me not have to deal with this.

    people have failed so badly.
  4. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    Time to make yourself happy instead of others happy. In the end, you won't be able to leave yourself but people can leave you.

    I know how it feels to try so hard and then have everything thrown in your face. Try to stand up again and keep going. Dwelling on the past will get you nowhere.

    I hope you will be able to get better soon.
  5. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I feel just like you. but im ugly, nobody wants to be around me, im boring, quiet, no fun, and awkward. and even the ppl i have gotten to confide in dont really give two shits about me. they make a joke about me when i say im depressed. all i want is her back but she isnt coming back, where the fuck do people like us go from here. To choose to move on(which ive been trying to for so long) but be lonely fucks or to dwell on the comfort of the past to keep us alive.
  6. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    You need a hobby. I suggest drinking.
  7. Hopefully that is drinking non-alcoholic drinks. Alcoholism destroys.
  8. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Sometimes there is nothing to be destroyed, because you are already destroyed. Sad, but true.

  9. There always is a way to be worse, until death occurs.
  10. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    An everything is gone then. I feel like Im already dead. It cant be worst, really. Death is better than this so called life.
  11. aeommai

    aeommai Active Member

    unless there's some kind of after life that torments you for being so bad.

    i worry about that too. i'm so bad. i should be better.

    p.s does drinking codeine count?
  12. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    It seems like you've been through a lot, with your mum's health problem and your dad's depression and anger issues.

    You say that your friend left you while you were at your most vulnerable, and that this has made you lose trust in people, and also that when she sees you now, she leaves the situation - have you thought about trying to put yourself in a situation where you could make some new friends, like in after-school clubs, hobby groups etc?

    You also mention that you think of suicide at times - have you thought about perhaps speaking to your doctor about these feelings?

    I'm glad that you've joined the forum to talk about how you're feeling - keep writing if it helps.
  13. aeommai

    aeommai Active Member

    i thought about after school things and such and such, but my parents are anti-social about such things.
    im not really allowed to do anything.

    it's school, work with them, whatever homework i can get done, and then sleep.

    i don't like it.
    there's so much going on, and i did not need awkwardness with her. she most likely thinks im a creep, which i probably am, but whatever. i thought about how to commit suicide with it looking like an accident so she doesn't feel as bad, but it's hard.

    i also just found out im failing two classes.
    and my teachers think im depressed.

    is it just me or do other people give you guys stares??
    like "ew" stares?
  14. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    All I can really say about the stuff with your parents is get in touch with social services but that may not be a realistic option.

    In Britain, you're officially in charge of your medical (or whatever you wanna call it) stuff when you're 16. That means it's entirely your business and your parents can do bugger all about it. I first got help by going to my GP and getting a referral to a psychiatrist when I was 16 so I was independent in terms of ym medical and mental health.

    If the school has noticed this, they may have a counselling service (no matter how crap it is) that may be some use. And to be honest, I would've thought any caring school official would turn a bit of blind eye about telling your parents as this appears to be the main cause of it all.

    As for the social stuff, I too am a bit like that. I do have friends, but most of them see me as a bit weird and generally I'm not very good socially anyway. I often find it that even though I try not to offend people or piss them off, they are still reluctant to talk to me even if they'd admit that I was a decent guy to people when I'm not around.

    And sometimes I do feel as though people stare me as if I'm some kind of freak (could be the long hair though)

    Take care of yourself.
  15. aeommai

    aeommai Active Member

    here in canada, you're your parents responsibility til your 18. then you can do whatever.

    the guidance counsellor insisted on calling my parents. it added problems to things. she also did the same thing to my other best friend, who moved away last year.

    naturally, im a bit distrustful of these guidance counsellors now.

    i know what you mean about the whole weird thing. its a bit annoying.

    like, what do you do??
  16. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    aeommai, in canada you can be independent at 16, not 18. i did some research on this earlier this year for another SF member from canada.

    If you are 16 you are entitled to make what is called 'informed consent' for all medical procedures, including ones relating to your mental health. you are in charge of *your* own decisions about your medical care, if it comes to that, and your parents are *not* notified. the doctor just has to keep notes explaining that they have explained the procedure/treatment to you and that you understand. this is a bit off-topic, but in canada parents are not even informed about a minor seeking birth control or abortion services.

    As a 16 year old you *can* legally leave home and support yourself. on the provincial level, you are eligible for many programs, including help with housing and other financial and personal supports until you graduate from high school.
  17. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    Hey there, I dont know about the other stuff but there is something you can do about the random pains you've been getting- go see a doctor- the fact that your body feels crappy doenst help when your going through a tough time. :sad: I dont know about where you live but doctors are supposed to help you with other things other than physical problems. They can be someone to talk to. Try and talk to your doctor - they're supposed to be professional people and may be able to help or at least point you towards more professionals that can help you

    let us know how you get on k?
  18. aeommai

    aeommai Active Member

    like i wanna and i wanna, but like, i don't feel like i should.
    i feel like part of the problem. and i really don't have time.
    besides the whole school thing, which im doing bad at,
    and working with my parents, im too tired to really do anything.

    ill take your advice though. go to a social services worker and a doctor...
    dunno what im going to do about all this other garbage.

    i guess the whole catholic school thing made them want to talk to my parents. either way, maybe ill get better?
  19. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    how did the visits go? i bet they found it pretty impressive the amount of stuff thats on your plate right now.. take it one step at a time aeommai, you cant solve everything at once, especially when you're so tired from it already
  20. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Actually when you say about pains, I too have pains occasionally. Apparently pain can be a symptom of depression (the whole mind affecting the body sort of thing) but I know I don't like to think it's that and sort of get a bit paranoid about it.

    I get tinnitus (ringing in the ears) every now and then, which is annoying as I'm a music tech student. Recently I've been having chest pains in the evening/ night time. Every now and then my leg goes weird, sometimes just a slight limp but sometimes accompanied with pain.

    My arm (particularly my left) occasionally feels weak and slightly painful. I also have had situations with that arm where it goes almost stiff and I have trouble moving my hand properly. I can normally regain normal movement easily but it feels stiff for a few days.

    So the pains could just be a symptom of depression or something different. Try not to be as paranoid as I am.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.