We are better than this

[Aeneas]

So I recently came to talk with a therapist about some of the abuse I went through as a child, and although most of what I remember is mostly emotional and physical there was a few occasions where my mom brought home a certain guy that was sexually abusive towards me. And that happened a few times before I was eight.
And while I'm totally cool with that fact now, after talking about it I've just felt horribly unattractive and dirty. I also recently broke up with my girlfriend after we talked about it.

For a long time before I met with my counselor, I've felt really confused sexually and as far as my sexual orientation goes.
Of course now I'm confident that I am heterosexual and I identify with that the most.

So, my big question to you guys, (since there seems to be some others who have been through the same situation if not worse) is, how do you guys deal with these types of feelings?
I've perused the threads a bit, but I thought I might catalog the replies so I can write them down in my journal or something, and review them when I'm feeling a little confused, you know?

 

[Petal]

Honestly,I think the thing with sexual abuse is the person who was abused needs some type of closure. Whether it's by a prosecution or therapy, I didn't get that closure I needed and am now living my life trying to avoid him (I live in the same tiny village as my rapist). Whenever I see him, I feel naked and BAD thoughts come back to me, I will say though that therapy has helped me a lot.

Don't give up, talking about it to someone close is the smartest thing you can do. You need support, does your mother know about what happened? Sexual abuse shouldn't be kept under wraps as much as it is. Even though I could not get a prosecution, I am still glad I reported it to the police. I hope you are okay going into depth about what happened because it will most likely help. Best of luck to you.

 

[Aeneas]

So, it's a rough situation haha. My mom recently disowned me, and due to a very elaborate chain of circumstances, I'm left without friends or lovers haha.
I do have a therapist that I'm meeting with. But our sessions are few and far between.

The thing with my situation, is that I've forgiven my, (I don't even know what to call him.) but that's behind me now. The problem is the lingering feelings that I have. And I think in my state that 15 years is the longest you can go without reporting an incident. So, I already missed my boat.

I'm totally fine with talking about it.

I just need some input on how to deal with the after-effects so to speak. Like, I'm constantly flooded with ambivalent feelings. On the one hand, I do find myself very handsome, but on the other hand, I definitely feel like holy shit, I'm unattractive. And it's jarring. I mean, obviously I know consciously that I'm not bad looking. I feel like the unattractiveness is internal and it manifests as seeing imperfections with my physical appearance.

 

[Petal]

Hi again,

What happened between you and your mom (only if you fee like sharing)?

Tips on how to deal with the after effects, hmmm...
.try and get to have more session and more frequently than present, is that an option?
How did it get so bad that you have no friends at all? Do you write down your thoughts and keep a journal, you could then show it to the therapist.
Who do you spend time with and is it quality time?
What are things you can do so the intrusive thoughts stop., even if for only a little while?

I am sorry if I am not much help, just trying my best.

 

[Aeneas]

Haha, I might post it in my story thread in the morning to keep it from cluttering up the traffic here.
But I do appreciate your concern.

I'm trying to have more sessions with my therapist but because she operates off the radar, (it's what keeps her care affordable) it's like impossible to get a session with her. Because she just squeezes you in whenever.

And it's all part of the same story, with my friends, and it's a long one. I wish I just had a short film clip that summarized everything that I could show people.

And right now, I'm kind of just living alone, trying to stay fit, and at night I talk to my friend in California for a few hours over skype.

For the time being I'm trying to keep my intrusive thoughts at a minimum through thought replacement. Not super easy, because lately I've just been forgetting, haha.

And, no, I totally appreciate all your advice. And thanks for sharing your story! That's exactly the kind of stuff that I'm looking for.

 

[Adjunct Soul]

I wish I had more to offer other than "I understand." I was a victim of abuse myself. I know that I have avoided intimacy (don't like to be touched) and my sexual experiences are mostly carnal and lacking any real connection - by my choice. Outside of the sex stuff, I feel like I am locked into a juvenile mindset sometimes - I still don't consider myself an adult most times. I often have to act how i think an adult would - this may be related to my history.
As far as body image stuff, I am told I am fairly decent looking but I tend to focus on what I am not. I imagine that is part of my depression though. Not really answers, but I do get where you are coming from.

 

[Gergin]

Hi, Aeneas.
I've had the same questions and feelings.
But, there are a lot of great resources that aid in healing those wounds, like the book
Not Quite Healed: 40 Truths for Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Cecil Murphey & Gary Roe.
It really helped me with those feelings and unanswered questions.
Just some things to consider. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Aeneas]

So I met with my therapist today, and some pro tips that I got were to see the experience as something that happened to me and not inside of me on a spiritual level.
Like, it was an experience, not a choice. And I was affected by it, but the only thing that changes us is our choices.

I do appreciate the input and I hope it keeps coming!

 

[TwoAttemptsOnetoGo]

In my case, I have been in need of repeating the "abuse" which made it a lot worse. Now, instead of one unwanted sexual intercouse, I have to deal with almost twenty and I am still in danger of relapse. It's so complicated I can't even fully comprehend it. That's the worst.

 

[True-Lee]

QUOTE="TwoAttemptsOnetoGo, post: 1511862, member: 65619"]In my case, I have been in need of repeating the "abuse" which made it a lot worse. Now, instead of one unwanted sexual intercouse, I have to deal with almost twenty and I am still in danger of relapse. It's so complicated I can't even fully comprehend it. That's the worst.[/QUOTE]

I am sorry I see that no one has talked with you? I guess that you came here looking for something, you do not even have to respond to this unless you wish to, We are here for you if you need any help or have questions that you would like answered, I will help you if I am able or anyone almost in here I am sure would be glad to talk with you! I believe you to be offline right now but when you come back feel free to ask anyone, We care about everyone that comes in here we try to provide support an help where needed, this is a safe place to meet and talk or just listen, Welcome to the SF We are Here for you!

 

[LostInDreamland]

In my case, I have been in need of repeating the "abuse" which made it a lot worse. Now, instead of one unwanted sexual intercouse, I have to deal with almost twenty and I am still in danger of relapse. It's so complicated I can't even fully comprehend it. That's the worst.

I understand that need. I have that too though luckily I have been around some wonderful guys that won't do that kind of stuff and I don't have the confidence to go looking for it either.

My situation is a bit difference because I could have stopped it but didn't for about 6 years. You can read it in my story which is linked in my signature. I don't like touch either. I don't know how to deal with it. All the therapists I have mentioned it to has down played it and so I have not gotten any help with it.