We are distant in miles and emotionally

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by DayDreamerStratus, Sep 12, 2016.

  1. I've been in a long distance relationship with a trans guy (guy trapped in a girl's body) for 8 months now, and I just rarely hear from him which makes me really upset. I'm always the first one to message, and it's getting lonely for me. I want to date someone closer to me so that timezones aren't such a problem, but I just don't have the guts to dump him. Am I being selfish for wanting to leave just because things are so quiet as of lately?
     
  2. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Not at all 'selfish', you have to do what is best for you and your happiness. Gosh, if I didn't break up with my partner formally it would have dragged on, and considering he was very emotionally unavailable, he would have remained indifferent to the lonely despair I felt througout the 2 years. He acted like a cunning guy in the very beginning, but his true colors didn't take long to manifest. I don't feel long distance relationships are trustworthy nor are they fulfilling. I think you should split on your own behalf.
     
    Frances M likes this.
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Back in 2011 I had a ldr. It drove me to much sadness. At first it was very exciting, we both texted, sent emails, phone calls...then things died down, he would disappear for days claiming work issues, I'd ask about his "ex" wife and he'd avoid the subject, things became different and my instinct told me something was up. Having a long distance relationship was very lonely for me and ultimately I couldn't trust him at all so I ended it. I also felt guilty because he claimed to love me and I didn't want to break his heart. But I think I was just a plaything for him while he restored the relationship with his wife (not ex as he told me).

    Being honest is the best way to be Stratus. Just tell him the truth, you're lonely, he doesn't seem as available anymore, you do care about him, but you need more intimacy. Maybe things will turn around or maybe his reply will confirm that you need to end it and find someone closer to you. Our instincts are usually right yet we ignore them or dismiss them all the time out of fear. Good luck, I know it takes strength to break up with someone. It hurts too. xx
     
  4. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    LDR or not, when someone stop finding time for you and never initiate conversations, the relationship is near an end.

    Have a serious talk with him and if the awnsers are'nt very convincing stop wasting your time.
     
  5. zuzuspetals

    zuzuspetals Member

    Hi DayDreamerStratus,
    You do sound lonely. Love can be that way, be it's not supposed to be. I too carried on in a long-distance relationship off and on for many years. It was excruciating at times. Have you had a discussion together about this subject? Looking back, I'm sure I was dodging my own identity by putting too much emphasis on her and that relationship when I should have been seeking the destiny that God had waiting for me. I'm older now, but am finally realizing what I was put here to do. The list is rather long, but I would never have discovered it nor would have embarked on the journey if it hadn't been for surrendering control to the unconditional and most powerful love of God. I know it might sound cheezy or cliche', but the truth has never been so real or so obvious for me. I'm curious, how did you become so involved with someone who is in such turmoil about their gender and/or identity? What do you think would be the best way for you to help him? Do you think that you are better with him, or without him (long distance or not)? I believe that prayer changes things, and that God not only hears and answers prayer, but that He is all-loving, and all knowing (He knows what we need before we even ask!) Do you think that you might be able to seek His help with this and/or with other trouble spots in your life? When I finally did, it changed everything. And everything is still getting better. I'll pray that you find the man that you are meant to find, and that you realize your destiny.
     
    Frances M likes this.
  6. I guess I am better with him in some ways. I'm sure things will pick up again for us soon, it just feels like our relationship has been in sort of a stalemate for a long time. :( God works in mysterious ways, if he really is there (I'm agnostic and am rather open minded about religion in general). I'm glad that he's helped you to realize your own identity though! I'm constantly questioning what God wants me to be and why he's allowed me to continue to suffer with a disability. Eh, I suppose those who suffer greatly tend to end up being the most enlightened and have the most wisdom, so at least I'll gain that in the end.
    As for how we became so involved is actually a really cute story! Him and I were both in the same group chat relating to our interests, he posted a screenshot on facebook with a picture of someone and then some hate comments. I said, "I can't believe someone as pretty as them is getting hate, I'd date someone like that to be honest, they're really attractive!" and to my shock that was actually a picture of him, on his profile... I had never felt so flustered in my life! The chat began saying we should absolutely date then, And well one thing lead to another and I eventually asked if we would and the chat just went wild.. A little later on we were doing face reveals so I sent a picture of myself finally and he said I was really cute too.. We then started talking one on one after that, and hours of chatting, hours of skype calls, and 8 months later I found myself so emotionally invested into him. We both just want to support and love each other, and after posting this thread he actually messaged me on twitter apologizing about how he's been gone for so long. I want to make this relationship work, because I've never had someone who has loved me this much.... My last relationship was a one-sided lie so I don't even consider it a true relationship. :( Things are slowly getting better for him, but transitioning in the UK is hard, ridiculous, and expensive.
     
  7. zuzuspetals

    zuzuspetals Member

    Oh... what is your disability? I know what you mean.... "agnostic and rather open minded...". A lot of really brilliant thinkers/writers began there. Are you familiar with the Narnia books? C.S. Lewis was an atheist, and was so enthusiastic about his atheism that he set out to disprove the existence of God. After years of exhaustive study and research, he has become one of my most favorite Christian writers. "Mere Christianity" is a quick and easy read, and speaks to one or two of your questions about our purpose. Rick Warren has a great book too called, "A Purpose Driven Life", that is a no-holds-barred look at our lives through the lens of scripture. PM me if you'd like to know more about my plight and what it has meant to me. I'd love to get your take on it. Blessings!
     
  8. Stiv

    Stiv Member

    I am also in an LDR with someone from the UK, but my partner was assigned male at birth and is questioning whether or not he could be a girl. He still wants me to call him 'he' for now though. He is also pretty distant/avoidant at times and it's very frustrating for me, so I think I know how you feel.
    Long distance relationships can be exhausting. The lack of being able to communicate face to face (not just skype) and directly see what exactly is going on in their lives can lead you to jump to some upsetting conclusions. I see he has apologized to you for being distant, though, so that's good, he seems to be aware that it's a problem. Have you talked to him about it and let you know how this makes you feel? Communication is important in every relationship but it's even more important in long distance ones because that's all you really have. Do you think he may be distant because of how hard it is to transition in the UK, therefore causing him to have more gender dysphoria? I struggle with gender dysphoria too, and I have a psychiatric diagnosis that makes it hard for me to get anything done medical transition-wise, and sometimes when I am very dysphoric, I shut down and isolate myself.
    But long distance relationships can work in the long term -- bf's a little miffed at me right now, but we've been together for 5 years and he's in the process of immigrating to the US. It seems like you here a lot of horror stories about them, but have hope, and try to open up communication a bit more if you can, and let him know you'll be there for him on his bad days as often as possible.