We Don't Always Get To Control Our Thoughts

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Godsdrummer, Apr 20, 2009.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I could really use a good brainwashing!

    In AA, they refer to it as playing back the tape. What they are referring too, is trying to conciously remember that moment when you hit rock bottom. It is important not to forget that stuff, or you may end up back there again.

    I get that...and I can appreciate that.

    But sometimes, every so often, a memory will pop in there, when you werent even thinking of it.

    This weekend as I was going about the routines of my part time job, the memory of a certain day, just popped into my thought process, and I was mentally transported back in time to that moment. Only with the knowledge of the damage I would eventually cause, and the pain I would come to know.

    It was 9 days before my wife left me. Her birthday. I was waaaaaaayyyyyyy gone in my alcoholism. I had mints in my car. To mask the breath of the booze. I had gone to my mother in laws after work, as I was broke (not broke enough to buy 2 24 oz cans of booze to drink after work) but broke enough to not afford to give my wife a decent birthday dinner. So I borrowed some money from her. I had to drive her to her bank so she could withdraw the funds. She mentioned the smell of the alcohol on my breath and I BRAGGED, DARE I SAY, BOASTED ABOUT HOW SMART I WAS THAT I HAD THOSE MINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Damn it, I was so fricking stupid. That moment in time scares me even to this day.

    Then I had another memory this weekend of a day when my wife was taking the kids to go somewhere and I was a stupid ass sitting on the couch watching TV and she says to me, "If I had the money, I would leave you in a second!!!!!"

    I really fricking hate these memories. God they are so painful. I didnt ask for them to come back into my head this weekend, but they fricking did.
  2. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    My only real suggestion is trying to resolve your issue with these memories as best you can, as AA teaches, and then try to create new memories that you can live with.
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Not so easy.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Memories suck, especially when your mind decides to slam you with them out of nowhere, when you least expect it, and no matter what you do, you can't shake them loose.

    *hugs* Hope you're okay.
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I'm ok!:wink:
  6. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Memories don't suck. For some, memories are the only thing keeping them running.
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    is that what AA teaches? to lie?
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