We don't have a language

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by irrelevant, Mar 23, 2008.

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  1. irrelevant

    irrelevant Member

    ...and that's one of the reasons why sometimes I just want to go and do it. It's almost a way to communicate.

    But it's true. I HATE sitting there in therapy with these questions thrown at me... like they are even relevant? I can't acknowledge them as questions because they are so unbelievably out of sync with my experience, with my world. But then I try to find words to describe this.. to describe any of it and I can't find any! So they give us these labels of illnesses... but what do they mean? What can they mean?! I'm sick of lists of symptoms, I'm sick of constant request for explanation. Do you ever feel like you will never be able to communicate this to anyone? And that's one of the most terryifying things.. you are totally alone in this.. and even after if you ever do recover - there will always be those experiences, those feelings which you will never be able to share completely, not even neccesarily with people who are handed the same label from society and put under the same heading. That's the difficult thing with mental health.. it is such an individual experience. And it's like.. people should know about that aspect of it.. that it is something which is beyond or apart from words, which makes it excruitatingly lonely.. yet because you can't communicate so much of it in words.. it's hard to convince others that that is true. Why is it that no-one ever really believes, or in someway must demean the phrase "you'll never understand". They should be startled by how terrifying that is - instead they brush it off as childish sulking, when horribly it's actually true.
  2. Rawr

    Rawr Active Member

    I feel pretty much the same as that, espeically the parts i put in bold.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's so true. i have had experiences that i find impossible to describe, and i often feel completely alone.

    i look on others with mental illness as fellow travelers. some of our stories might intersect, many won't but i am honored to share the journey with them

  4. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I agree with both of you. I do think that hearing "you don't understand" from someone can easily be taken as a derogatory comment, even though I know you didn't mean it that way. But then again, that's where our inability to communicate effectively comes in. If you say "I have a headache," it would likely be assumed that you will be fine in a few hours, or the next day, and you're not feeling great, but you can manage. When it comes to depression, however, what are you supposed to say?
  5. Ire

    Ire Guest

    Need a machine that can make them feel what we feel...
    Maybe then they would actually be able to help...

    I don't believe anyone can truly understand someone else's pain. I don't think, even among people here, that any one persons pain is truly like anothers.
    That's what makes this all so hard, it's not like a sickness, where it's the same bacteria or virus.

    The realization that nobody can ever really understand. :hiding:
  6. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    yeah i agree. it's like talking to brick walls most of the time.
  7. irrelevant

    irrelevant Member

    I wrote this when I was on a proper rant.. not that I don't believe any of what I've written I believe every single word (and outofthepicture - I know what you mean about "you don't understand" sounding derrogatory and didn't think of it when I was posting - that's very true) anyway what I was going to say is that I spoke to my counsellor about this whole articulation thing and she suggested art therapy? I don't know if any of you have ever heard of it or tried it out but to anyone who is, like me, struggling to put it all into words it might be of use. No harm in googling it anyway.. I might start trying it in a couple of weeks just to see what it's like or whether it's any better. Anyway yeh.. just wanted to pass on the suggestion in case it helps anyone.
  8. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Yeah, I can't work with anyone unless they are visual and are willing to work with me visually or with imagery/sound etc..

    It took me ages and ages to find a counsellor whom I could click with.
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2008
  9. irrelevant

    irrelevant Member

    and also another thing I literally just thought of which is kind of relevant (sorry kind of taking over this thread :rolleyes:) one thing that I've found really debilitating in finally trying to sort all this out is that I get in there (to counselling) and I feel like "right now I have to try and work towards some solution" when all I want to do right now is make this retorts of "fucking AAOOWW, that/this FUCKING HURTS". I feel like I'm not given the time to actually howl with pain before they try and fix me up because I don't feel like I've said anything to them yet. I've made these sounds of certain words which I know will get certain responses but that doesn't mean I've been given any space to actually be allowed to fully react to how I'm feeling without supressing or hiding it. And you just get thrown in this room and it's like.. okay lets get to this solution right now.. but I don't want a solution right now I've just fully admitted there's all this pain there and now I want to dignify it with an existence.. then I can deal with it, once it actually exists. I can't fix myself before I've even let it all out - surely?
  10. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Exactly. A lot of therapy out there is completely linear and based on fixing rather than working, expressing or dealing with the issue, it's like- it's wrong, it has to be like this, so we are going to get to point A and we are going to get there MY way.

    My therapist, and therapists I want to work with- it has to be a two way relationship, we always talk about how she is effecting me, how she is effecting me as another person in a room, as a parent (if she's bringing up issues to do with childhood) or things like that. She always talks about her approach. Therapist relationships are very much like a parent-child relationships but with safe professional boundaries etc... She's very much an active participant rather than, "I know what's right for you, I'm going to drag you through this my way."
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2008
  11. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    YOu're right ... there are not words. And the only words you hear are you have to get out of this. Things are not that bad .. you try living this way .. you try it. YOu can't take one minute of it .. you woudln't survive if you think it's like flipping a switch. I didn't chose to be this way .. I didn't chose thie existance. I wouldn't wish is on my worst enemy or the worst human being on the plant.
  12. irrelevant

    irrelevant Member

    yeh I kind of forced my counsellor to engage in that kind of relationship because I just brought up how I felt about there being all these expectations and how I kept saying things I wasn't really sure if I meant and how I felt like there were all these milestones that had to be reached blah blah blah. It was quite good really since we spoke about how she made me feel being in the role of counsellor and what I thought about it. Still I'm always scared of saying things I don't mean. Sometimes I feel bad on her if there are long silences so try and fill them with anything because I think she might start to think she is a bad counsellor. Then sometimes I think she thinks I'm trying to play up to this archetype of "the depressed person". It's all good fun and games.
  13. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Counselling should and always should be a place where you feel you can tell them what you don't like about sessions or the way things are going. If you can't or you feel you can't do that...then explore that with the counsellor, if they react in a way that puts you down, then I'd just leave and find somewhere else. There are a lot of awful therapists out there. It's not your responsibility to make her feel better or anything. Silences mean something, say something too..
  14. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    This post resonates with me in so many ways. There's no way I can explain my horrible lifelong alienation from the world. My life has been nothing but being buried alive, every moment a futile struggle.
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