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We lost our baby. I lost my fiancée. Now I'm... lost.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by WorldOfGlass, Feb 25, 2010.

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  1. WorldOfGlass

    WorldOfGlass Member

    First, let me apologize for what's likely to end up being a very long first message. I always feel guilty to talk about my problems with people. But I'm to the point of pain and... just pure madness inside of myself, that I just have to let it out somehow....

    I guess I'll start at the beginning. I'm 26 years old, and have never been what I'd call "happy" at all, until a couple of years ago. I had a miserable family life, full of emotional abuse from my father, which ended up dissolving my parents' marriage, and scattering my family all over the map. I've not had contact with my mom, or sisters, in a very long time. We were all affected in a terrible way.

    Anyway, skip to about 3 years ago, I met who would turn out to be the love of my life. We had similar pasts, and that drew us pretty close together, once we learned about each other more. We bonded really well, and became the very best of friends, and thats when my life started to get what I would call, happy. 2 years ago, we realized we had very strong feelings for each other, and had fallen in love. 1 year ago, I asked her to marry me. She said yes, and we were engaged. About a month later, we found out we would have a baby, which truly made life feel special, we were so happy.

    That didn't last though. This past October, we lost the baby. Neither of us smoke, drink, do drugs, it just happened, as these things do sometimes I guess. We were completely devastated. It wasn't long before she started to feel like it was her fault, every day she would apologize to me, and every night she'd go to sleep crying, feeling like it was her fault, no matter what I would say or do. Which I understood this. All I could ever do was hold her and be there as much as I could. We took steps together to get past it as best we could, but eventually she stopped wanting to talk to anyone.

    She'd talk to me, and our relationship, though much sadder, never got distant. She wouldn't go to work, and lost her job. She was everyday, saying sorry to me, that it was all her fault, and that she'd understand if I wanted to leave her. One day... She started to seem better. There were about 4 days straight she was really happy, or it seemed like it. They were really special days to me, because I had my fiancée back. I don't mean to sound as though it was easy for me to get past losing our baby... But, as long as we were together and she was ok, I was going to be fine, I guess I can't really explain that.

    But on the 5th day... I came home, and my world ended. I went to change clothes after work, and the way our bed was... I mean, I couldn't really see her, just that she was in bed, and under the blankets, facing away from me. There was paper all over the bed, most of it blank, some scribbled on, and a lot of photos too... I went ahead and changed clothes, I just wasn't thinking I guess, why should I? She had finally been happy...

    Anyway, I crawled into bed with her and went to give her a hug like I always would do when I'd come home. (when she worked she was usually asleep by the time I got in) But... she didn't feel right, literally cold... And immediately I tried to turn her over, and realized what was going on... I lost my mind, crying, trying to wake her up... giving her kisses, holding her, not knowing what to do at all... I don't really care to go much into anything else about that. Suffice it to say she had taken her own life, and I don't care to get into how.

    They came, and took her away. I don't really remember much about all of that. In that situation, I wasn't really open to anything going on around me, at all. In the end though, she had left a letter. 20 pages and a paragraph. It was full of memories she had, and it was actually... aside from the goodbye, very happy, and sweet. and she'd stapled a photo of us when she was pregnant.

    Anyway. To the present. I've completely shut down. I don't care about anything, or anyone. I don't know what to do. I lost my job, I'm running out of money, and really, I don't care. She was my world, I love her with all my heart. I don't have family to turn to, and even if I did I can't imagine it helping. I lost my baby, and I lost the person that I wanted to spend my life with. Her life is over now, and I don't see any reason to continue with mine. I keep asking why, I really don't understand. I can't stop thinking about her face, and trying to wake her up. I'm angry, I almost hate her. Then I hate myself, for wanting to hate her. I've started hurting myself when I feel that. I really don't have much control over myself, and I don't know why I even write about this, I guess part of me wants help, but I don't know why.

    No matter how hard I try I can't find any reason whatsoever, to say "it's worth it, just don't give up". I'm tired, literally exhausted. I miss her, I want to hug her, kiss her, spend another day with her. But at the same time, I'm angry at her. I find myself yelling at her, hitting walls, then I realize how much I love her and miss her, and how I always told her she was one person I could never be mad at, then I want to punish myself, for being mad at her.

    I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long. And really, I don't know why I write about it at all. But thanks for listening to me, if you got this far.
  2. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry to hear your loss. There is not much I can say that could change your mind. But hold onto what could have been and let it give you strength. You can still make it. Live for them.
  3. WorldOfGlass

    WorldOfGlass Member

    Thank you for your words. And, I really do try. But sometimes, thinking of what could have been, makes it so much worse. How does one turn those thoughts into something positive, when it causes nothing but deeply painful feelings? I mean... I'm not trying to reject your help... I'm just saying, when I think of what could have been, I could have been holding my baby and spending my life raising him/her, and growing old with the woman i love more than anything :sad:
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and your fiancee....I can feel the pain in your writing..
    all you are feeling is normal on the road of grief.....even the anger and depression....
    have you thought of seeing a therapist to talk to...
    I don't know if you are a reader but I found reading books on grief helped after I lost my son to suicide in December 09...
    grief is a hard road and the only way is to go with it.....there is no easy way....
    there are a lot of caring people on here who are ready to help you through your pain..
    i hope you continue to post here.....
  5. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I have lost a lot of loved ones and seen a lot of death myself. It takes a lot out of you. But whenever I do something good I think about them and think what they might say if they were still here.

    I have wanted to kill myself but what has always stopped me is that there is no turning back. How many lives will I ruin if I did that? This maybe to personal but I think when people kill themselves they might regret it later.

    If there is an afterlife ( and I sure hope there is this life blows) She might want to be back with you but can't. I know its hard to say good bye but make things happen and just keep that photo around to remind you why. You can be their living memorial. You both had similar personal backgrounds right? If you die what happens to all those memories? Who will tell the stories of when you were happy? Don't let their memory die too.

    I want barrage you with cliches because I don't know what it like to lose someone that close. I know how much it has hurt me longing for the exact same thing that you have lost. So we have that in common, what we want most in this life is seemingly out of our grasp forever. Stay alive. It won't be easy and it may take years. But you have to keep moving because we aren't promised tomorrow.
  6. Landlocked blues

    Landlocked blues Well-Known Member

    Firstly let me say how sorry i am for your loss. I too lost someone very close to me and it is extremely hard.

    Secondly let me say dont ever feel guilty about talking to people about your problems, we are more than happy to listen. I dont know about anyone else but one of the reasons i am here is to try and comfort others. it helps me forget for a while about my own shit and in return help someone too (hopefully)

    I hope you continue to post and know that you can PM me whenever you feel you need a shoulder. :hug:
  7. WorldOfGlass

    WorldOfGlass Member

    Thanks to all of you for your time and replies. I'm exhausted to the point I just need to sleep, but... I'll post back later :)

    Thanks for your time, and thoughts, really.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Ihope you are getting grief councilling therapy as it is too hard to deal with all this loss on your own. I am glad you reached out here but councilling can help you move one okay try Your loved one would want that for you.
  9. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can feel the pain in your words. Violet is right. You need to get some grief counseling. Lots of health plans offer counseling, you should ask at work. Coming here was a good first step, but no message board can ever substitute for sitting down with someone and talking things thru. Please let us know how you're doing.
  10. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. Yours is a particularly heartwrenching story. It sounds like she was horribly depressed and the days she seemed "happy" are typical when someone is committed to suicide. She was going about writing her letter and putting things in order. You couldn't have known because all you saw was her being happy - the thing you wanted most in the world. The pain just took her down and no matter how happy she seemed - she was in a very dark place. You had hope to put things back together and she had given up but did not share that anyone. So sad. It's what all of us fear most from those in our lives that are horribly depressed and suicidal.

    Maybe it would help if you joined a group for people who have suffered a loss. There is a website called GriefShare http://www.griefshare.org/ where you can search for a grief support group by your zip code. I was surprised to see how many groups were in my area - one was literally kitty corner from my house. They mostly meet in churches but are non-denominational. You could talk with people there (free of charge or donation based I believe) that have been through grief and loss. I believe strongly that sharing with others in "your boat" in very helpful and it gives you badly needed social support with others who are struggling with the same feeling of despair and great loss in their lives.:rose:

    Keep posting - we care.
  11. WorldOfGlass

    WorldOfGlass Member

    Thanks very much for all the suggestions everyone. I've looked into help in the form of therapy and grief counseling, before. In fact, that was one of the very first things that anyone suggested, and of course I did try it. It helps in some ways, and in some ways it makes it much, much worse.

    And of course I realize that forums are no substitute for person to person contact, but, it's the only step i feel like i can take right now, so I was glad to find a place like this.

    I guess the trouble is though, they say before you can be helped, you have to want help. And the biggest part of me doesn't want help. I miss them, and I don't want a life without them... I guess it doesn't make much since to miss a baby I never met, but, as long as I had her, I was able to work through that, and hoped she was able, too. But without her it's an entirely different picture. I really, seriously ask myself "why?" a lot. I don't have any other aspirations in my life, and maybe that's pretty ridiculous. Neither of us have family really. Neither of our familes showed up at her funeral, at all. So I mean, that is another thing I guess that doesn't help. It's not as if I have a group of people that care and really would miss me.

    It really hurts, that she'd leave me like this...

    And yes mcviking, we both had similar backgrounds. And you're right, I could stay around to keep them alive in my memory. But, the memory hurts so much. Sometimes I want to forget, but that makes me even more angry at myself. And I am very sorry you've never found the same thing that I have lost. I hope you will someday, however to a much different end than I. And I realize we aren't promised tomorrow, but, thats the thing, what do you do to motivate yourself to get help, when you honestly couldn't care less about tomorrow?

    (Oh and Cybrsk8r, I have since lost my job, due to all of this and how I've been since, so I have no health plan)

    You're right charmane. I had since looked up things about suicide, and found it was really common for them to seem happy and perfectly fine before. I wish I had known that beforehand, though I'm guessing it may have made no difference at all. I just really don't understand. It's one thing to lose someone, I think. It absolutely destroyed everything inside of me to crawl into bed with her thinking she was just asleep, put my arms around her and find what I found. That's always going to be one of the biggest things I think about when I remember her, and I can't take it :/ I want to remember her face from any other time, but not that time. I want to remember hugging her any other time, but not that time. I guess I can't really explain how it felt to find her in that manner, it even feels like just walking in and seeing her in the floor would have been easier in a way. It completely broke every part of me inside, not that her death wouldn't have another way, it's just... well I guess I really can't explain how it felt to find her in that particular way.

    I did look at GriefShare. There are none in my immediate area, the nearest are about 100 miles away, I might check into it, but honestly right now I'm not quite at a place where I feel like I can, which must sound really strange.

    But, I will keep posting. Thanks to all of you, and everything you've all said. You're all very kind, each and every one of you.
  12. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    Nothing you have said sounds strange at all. You have been through something so traumatic and unimaginable. Just keep posting - we are here to listen....
  13. loribaby

    loribaby Member

    I didnt lose a child but i lost my husband in identical fashion. If u need someone to talk to that can relate pm me. never thought i would be a widow at 24 but sometimes thats how life goes. Its been over a year for me and i can still see the lines of his face and feel the coolness of his skin. I can hear my screams and my pleaing with god for him to take me instead. As much today as the day it happened. If u need me i will do what i can....
  14. rvsaraiva

    rvsaraiva Member

    man, ifeel so sorry for what u r going through! i can´t even imagine. I was never good with words so i'm sending you a big hug. hang on and please keep us posted.
  15. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i'm terribly sorry for what you've been through. nobody deserves that. just take each day on it's own. keep talking to us and if you ever need an ear, i'm here.
  16. WorldOfGlass

    WorldOfGlass Member

    Thanks again for listening guys. And thanks for saying nothing I said sound strange.

    loribaby - I am sorry you lost your husband in an identical fashion :( I can completely relate to your seeing his face, feeling him, the screams, all of it, and I'm sorry anyone else had to live that as well :/

    But thanks again for the words and thoughts everyone.

    It's just really so hard. I don't know what to say or what to do really. It really just feels like every second is kind of a nightmare because all the stuff you see and hear and think about, and night time, like this, is the hardest time :/ There's really no way to get through it, and it's just devastating. I'm exhausted :/
  17. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    so sorry for your loss.
    Keep talking hun.
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    we're still here for you anytime...
  19. WorldOfGlass

    WorldOfGlass Member

    Watched some videos yesterday from our vacation last summer to Germany (where she was from and where I met her) and Japan... It brought me to the worst place I have been since that day, and I'm not sure why I did it :/ But... I'm still here. I guess that's something.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2010
  20. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i'm glad you are still here. keep talking, we'll keep listening. *hug*
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