First, let me apologize for what's likely to end up being a very long first message. I always feel guilty to talk about my problems with people. But I'm to the point of pain and... just pure madness inside of myself, that I just have to let it out somehow.... I guess I'll start at the beginning. I'm 26 years old, and have never been what I'd call "happy" at all, until a couple of years ago. I had a miserable family life, full of emotional abuse from my father, which ended up dissolving my parents' marriage, and scattering my family all over the map. I've not had contact with my mom, or sisters, in a very long time. We were all affected in a terrible way. Anyway, skip to about 3 years ago, I met who would turn out to be the love of my life. We had similar pasts, and that drew us pretty close together, once we learned about each other more. We bonded really well, and became the very best of friends, and thats when my life started to get what I would call, happy. 2 years ago, we realized we had very strong feelings for each other, and had fallen in love. 1 year ago, I asked her to marry me. She said yes, and we were engaged. About a month later, we found out we would have a baby, which truly made life feel special, we were so happy. That didn't last though. This past October, we lost the baby. Neither of us smoke, drink, do drugs, it just happened, as these things do sometimes I guess. We were completely devastated. It wasn't long before she started to feel like it was her fault, every day she would apologize to me, and every night she'd go to sleep crying, feeling like it was her fault, no matter what I would say or do. Which I understood this. All I could ever do was hold her and be there as much as I could. We took steps together to get past it as best we could, but eventually she stopped wanting to talk to anyone. She'd talk to me, and our relationship, though much sadder, never got distant. She wouldn't go to work, and lost her job. She was everyday, saying sorry to me, that it was all her fault, and that she'd understand if I wanted to leave her. One day... She started to seem better. There were about 4 days straight she was really happy, or it seemed like it. They were really special days to me, because I had my fiancée back. I don't mean to sound as though it was easy for me to get past losing our baby... But, as long as we were together and she was ok, I was going to be fine, I guess I can't really explain that. But on the 5th day... I came home, and my world ended. I went to change clothes after work, and the way our bed was... I mean, I couldn't really see her, just that she was in bed, and under the blankets, facing away from me. There was paper all over the bed, most of it blank, some scribbled on, and a lot of photos too... I went ahead and changed clothes, I just wasn't thinking I guess, why should I? She had finally been happy... Anyway, I crawled into bed with her and went to give her a hug like I always would do when I'd come home. (when she worked she was usually asleep by the time I got in) But... she didn't feel right, literally cold... And immediately I tried to turn her over, and realized what was going on... I lost my mind, crying, trying to wake her up... giving her kisses, holding her, not knowing what to do at all... I don't really care to go much into anything else about that. Suffice it to say she had taken her own life, and I don't care to get into how. They came, and took her away. I don't really remember much about all of that. In that situation, I wasn't really open to anything going on around me, at all. In the end though, she had left a letter. 20 pages and a paragraph. It was full of memories she had, and it was actually... aside from the goodbye, very happy, and sweet. and she'd stapled a photo of us when she was pregnant. Anyway. To the present. I've completely shut down. I don't care about anything, or anyone. I don't know what to do. I lost my job, I'm running out of money, and really, I don't care. She was my world, I love her with all my heart. I don't have family to turn to, and even if I did I can't imagine it helping. I lost my baby, and I lost the person that I wanted to spend my life with. Her life is over now, and I don't see any reason to continue with mine. I keep asking why, I really don't understand. I can't stop thinking about her face, and trying to wake her up. I'm angry, I almost hate her. Then I hate myself, for wanting to hate her. I've started hurting myself when I feel that. I really don't have much control over myself, and I don't know why I even write about this, I guess part of me wants help, but I don't know why. No matter how hard I try I can't find any reason whatsoever, to say "it's worth it, just don't give up". I'm tired, literally exhausted. I miss her, I want to hug her, kiss her, spend another day with her. But at the same time, I'm angry at her. I find myself yelling at her, hitting walls, then I realize how much I love her and miss her, and how I always told her she was one person I could never be mad at, then I want to punish myself, for being mad at her. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long. And really, I don't know why I write about it at all. But thanks for listening to me, if you got this far.