3 years to the day that I signed up here. Little did I know what a journey it would become. So many wonderful people commented on my words and tried to help but I rarely responded as I didn't want human contact. I just wanted to get my words out, my pain and my desires to die. One man though was persistent. R. He identified with my words and told me so repeatedly. He private messaged me a lot, he even got me to talk a little without me realizing what he was doing. We added each other to msn and began to chat a little.. til a few weeks later Because of a combination of things i hit my lowest point and tried to take my life. When I finally recovered and felt ready to come out of my isolation I found him ready waiting for me to come back. He hadn't forgotten me. I had missed him terribly. i was Desperate to chat to him but felt I let him down so much and I was a little scared of my feelings towards him.. Little did I know he felt the same. September of that year was the most hopeful I had felt for the longest I could remember. I was in love and was loved back by the most wonderful man imaginable. Yes my depression was still there as was his but together we formed our own little support service and the more we learned about each other and the more struggles we faced the more stronger my feelings became and it had only just begun.. Since then so much has happened. So much bad but so much good as well. My life has improved massively and so has his. 3 years of constant contact has now been reduced to nothing. The sad part is I have now to say goodbye to my absolute best friend. The one person I could rely on to help me see, who truly understood my mind and how it works, who loved me despite my fuckedupedness and my Selfishness and fears, I've lost my "person". Why? I guess I can say it's complicated but truth is lies, misunderstandings and frustration coming out as anger has come between us. The realization that he is much better without me in his life and in a way I am better without him too. But it hurts so much that I can barely breathe through the tears. I try to keep busy, to think awful things about him, to hate him but it's pointless. It's only temporary and the thoughts and pain always come back. I feel nervous and afraid and insecure because I have to continue my recovery without my support system and the man I loved guiding me. Fact is he saved my life and now I have to save my own. Why an I posting this? I guess I feel I need to say my goodbye and here it is. Despite everything all the hurt and lies, I wish you so much happiness R, so much love and joy that it'll make you forget the darkness we have felt and how it all but killed us. Goodbye SF, thank you for saving my life. Emelia.