I'm honestly starting to think that everyone around me would be better off if I were gone. They would probably throw a party. My husband hates me, and has hated me for approx. 12 years out of our 15 year relationship. I'm only 34 and I've wasted my life on a man who reminds me over and over that he hates me. That I'm nothing. You name it, he calls me it. I've made mistakes, big mistakes and he sure as hell likes to punish me for them. I had an affair with an ex for a few years. I came clean to my husband over 4 years ago. I sit here and tell myself I deserve the way he treats me, until I remember that it's because of the way he treats me that I turned to another man. The last 10 years has been periodic abuse. He has slammed me into walls, hit me, choked me, thrown plates at me, slammed my head into windows, etc. not to mention the verbal abuse during these fights (which I must say actually hurts more than the physical abuse). It doesn't happen often but it does happen. Anywhere from 3-6 times a year. I make excuses for him. I feel like I deserve it or that it will change. It never does. He blames me when it happens and I can see how I pushed his buttons. He tells me that it doesn't happen often enough to be abuse. I guess he's right. When he's not angry with me, being physical with me or cutting down my character, he's a pretty good guy. He helps me out with the cooking, cleaning and kids. He works hard to pay for all of us and everything we need. I just feel like i'm 34 now and I've wasted my best years with him. I have no education, no work experience. I know I won't find someone else. I'm over weight, I'm not that attractive. I don't have many good qualities at all actually. I'm very obviously weak and pathetic. I would rather stay in this than be alone. Honestly, I would rather be dead than be here or alone. I'm so weak I can't even bring myself to end it. I hate myself. I try my very best to be a good person. I do my best to take care of my family, my friends and I volunteer at a homeless shelter. Sometimes I think that the people at the homeless shelter would be more upset if I were gone. My husband says that everything I do is for selfish reasons. No one else thinks I'm selfish but he's beginning to make me wonder if I am. He allows anyone to say whatever they want about me. He doesn't stick up for me at all. He even allows our teenage daughter to call me whatever she wants yet the one time I said she was being a "b***h", he threw me into a wall and told me that I'm "f**ked up". They went on to watch movies and laugh together while I sat in my room crying and wishing I could die or just disappear. I worry my beautiful baby boy is going to turn out to hate me too. I just don't know what I did to deserve this. I know I made a big mistake with my ex but things at home were bad. My husband was addicted to porn. He paid no attention to me unless he wanted sex. He hit me, he called me names. My ex came and said all the right things, made me feel safe and wanted. I don't know why I'm even talking about any of this. I guess I'm just ranting and I apologize. My point is, I wish I were dead. I wish I had the guts. I pray everyday that I will be put out of my misery. I'm too pathetic to leave and too weak to take a final exit. I wouldn't want to be with me either.