Weak. Anxiety? In a man? A real man? I'm no man.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ToBeAtPeace, Aug 16, 2016.

  1. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Active Member

    Feel the fear and do it anyway is a phrase my therapist has used a few times. I can't though. Althoug, I did on Saturday. For my youngest son's birthday. I went out to the zoo with the family. Even though my anxiety was killing me. Really killing me. It was shouting in my face.

    I'm traumatized by that day.

    How can I be a man, if I can't work?
    How can I be a man, if I can't even go and pick my children up from play scheme?
    How can I be a man, if I can't even tidy up a bit around the flat?
    How can I be a man, if I can't be the one with the answers?
    How can I be a man if I'm scared to get out of bed?

    I'm no man. I'm weak. I can't see myself getting better. I've achieved so much and have been so happy, so content. It's over. It's time to let go. My family won't allow me to let go. I'm in so much pain. It's so inconsiderate of them. People don't care how much pain I'm in. They just want me to stay alive, and to do things. The pain is so, so deep.
    OCDNihilism likes this.
  2. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Active Member

    My wife just told me I left the fridge door open last night. My concentration is shot to pieces. I'm a liability!
  3. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    First of all, please stop trying to live up to the pressure of being "a man" because the bottom line is your a person, an individual human being who is struggling with an unseen demon. Anxiety is awful, it can destroy you and sometimes you need to let it do that a little so that you know what you're fighting. Yes you do need to feel the fear and do it anyway as the trick is to plough right through, but that has to come after you have gotten to know your anxiety. What are your triggers, how to break the cycle of negative thoughts, how does it affect you physically and how does it affect your behaviour. When you know it you can face it and begin to try talking yourself out of it. You can't do that when its consuming you.

    You sound like your fighting with all you have and in time that will bring you more strength. Try tongues deep breathing excercises, they really do work, the give you focus and time and then talk yourself through the situation hats making you anxious, tell yourself it will be okay.

    Please don't add more worry to your life by being hard on yourself for not being a "man". Everyone will have thier down time, this is yours and you will get through it. Talk to your family and break down for them what happens when you feel anxious and what goes through your mind and what you feel physically.

    Keep going. Your a human being and you matter so much.
  4. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Active Member

    I was in hospital for 3 weeks in December for this illness. That's how bad my anxiety is. Nearly everyone at the hospital seemed to be in a better condition than me. I had to fight to get released for chirstmas. I've seen psychiatrists, psychologists, I'm on a ton of medication - including regulat benzos (unfortunately). I struggle with mindfulness and CBT. When I start to feel better, I get ill again. I've been given the diagnosis as rapid cycling bipolar spectrum. To me, it's just a ton of anxiety.
  5. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Severe depression coupled with anxiety that has bought me to tears on many occasions. Less than 2 weeks ago, I walked out of the door to walk the short distance to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Halfway there I just started to cry. I even had my music playing and it didn't stop it. I cried when I was in the pharmacy and I cried again going back home. I dont mean I shed a tear, I mean I sobbed. Does that mean I am not a man? Yes, I am weak, yes, I am useless, yes, I feel worthless and that living is pointless, does that all mean I am not a man? I am ill, I have a illness and it does not detract in the slightest from the fact I am a man.

    You are a man, but a man, like me, with a illness. For it to get any better, you have to accept that before you do anything. Its fuck all to do with not being a man, its about being ill. Anxiety is as much a illness as flu is and can be just as deadly if left untreated. OK, you struggle with various therapies, that doesn't mean that you give up, you keep going until you dont struggle with them, and that will come, it just takes some time and patience.

    I kid you not, I have been a virtual recluse for 8 1/2 years and only went out once a week for the last 3 yrs. Anxiety was the cause, which I know now, back then I didn't have a clue. You know what the problem is so you can start to fight it. For 5 1/2 years I had no idea who my enemy was. After a couple of failed attempts on my life, I am not going to allow anxiety to beat me into submission, it wont win. Depression might beat me, but no fucking way is anxiety going to, not when I know I can beat it and so can you.
    ToBeAtPeace likes this.
  6. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    Rapid cycling bipolar is quite rare now and it is a bugger as your no sooner up but your down and that's where the anxiety comes in. You feel your mind and mood are unpredictable and that can leave you on edge. It is treatable with medication, mood stabilisers and unfortunately benzos. When you are on a bit more of an even keel you need to work hard at therapy and persevere as that will be the key to understanding and gaining control of your illness and symptoms. Don't even compare yourself to other patients when your in hospital. Trust me. Their journeys may seem similar on the outside but usually they are just used to the pain and desensitised to the experience. Concentrate on you. You will get better.
    ToBeAtPeace and SinisterKid like this.
  7. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Active Member

    @SinisterKid I have a lot of admiration for you. The fact that you will not let yourself be beaten by anxiety. I've lived with anxiety most of my life. I was a nervous child. I had depression in my teens, but dealt with it by smoking weed. There was a period in my twenties where depression was non-existant. Anxiety would always be there, but I was able to feel the fear and do it anyway. Pushing myself constantly at work out of my comfort zone. I got to a pretty senior level until suddenly the bubble burst. I never knew I was ill and that I suffered from anxiety and depression, until a doctor told me. Now I'm 43, and the anxiety is mixed in with a severe depression. I struggle daily. The anxiety puts me on edge. The depression makes me believe the world is an evil unforgiving place, and everything about it is. The meds have fucked my brain up. I think they've made me worse overall, but I can't live without them.

    Ok, I'm a man. And do you know what, I'm not weak. I'm fighting this evil on a day to day basis. And guess what, SinisterKid. You're not weak either. I have some kind of insight into the daily fight you're up against. Fucking hell, what a fight. To know what a challenge it is for you to get your meds and to face up and do it - you're a hero.

    I have to learn not to care what others think. If others think I'm no man or if others think I'm weak, fuck them - they don't know the battle. Easier said than done though.
    SinisterKid likes this.
  8. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Active Member

    When you say rapid cycling biplor is rare, do you mean because the treatment's have improved so much or some other reason? I have always refused to take a mood stabiliser, mainly because I hate the possibility of the allergic reaction associated to it. I still take an AD (I was in a deeper depression before it), an antipsychotic and 10mg of valium a day. I started a low dose of the mood stabiliser 1 week ago. It will take 1 month to get to a therapeutic dose. Here's hoping it will make a difference.

    I see a very expensive therapist weekly (via insurance, thank goodness). I've asked her if we can get back to basics on mindfulness and CBT. I'm lost right now.