Weak-Minded Brooding

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Forgotten_Man, Mar 10, 2010.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    My head won't shut up so many thoughts to put down on paper. Feel free to comment on any individual portion or don't.

    Money

    You know when wanting to quit your job comes around you suddenly regret buying that new vehicle, going to that anime convention, picking up that preorder. That is because all this world, especially the USA, is about is money. Wealth = Power, people like me who do not have a lot of wealth do not have any power. Recent events at work are making me consider quitting my job again. However, the somewhat rational part of me will not allow it. After all I have my credit to think about. Nothing worse than having a shitty credit rating hold you back. Right now I could not survive a week if I quit my job. It is all because I feel the need to spend my money.

    This past weekend I attended an anime convention. I spent over $400 on stuff that makes me feel like an anime fan, but is not stuff I actually need. Last month I purchased a new vehicle, when I was getting around just fine without one. In the months to come I will spend $500+ on video games and anime that I will not get played for months. I just seem to enjoy spending my money. As a result I feel somewhat fulfilled. However, it comes crashing down horribly eventually. Like how I want to quit my job. Now I cannot do so since I do not even have one months pay saved up.

    I Hate My Job

    Who doesn't hate their job? I know I am not the only one out there, but I feel the need to say it. Back in January, I confronted my boss about how my job is basically a dead-end job and I am not advancing as a developer. Yet I am still focused on my old crappy job. Even worse my boss is transferring out. So that means I am going to have to train a new boss here. While my company claims they want me to be happy, they only care about their profits. If I suddenly was not doing my job the company would be in big trouble. So they are doing everything in their power to extend my last big project. That way they can keep me in my crap ass job.

    What do I hate about it? Well for starters work piles up when I am not around. So if I take vacation time, I have that much extra work to do on top of new deadlines. Really I do not get vacation time either. I am always getting called on my vacation time. I have yet to have any kind of time off where I actually had the entire time off. I am always getting called. While I accept that part of a working for a web company is dealing with that kind of stuff. It gets really old when the only other people who get called as often as me are the people who run the company. Not to mention that my bosses assume I am reading their mind.

    Again I am not sure how uncommon of a thing bosses assuming I know what they are thinking. However, it seems to happen often to me. Like tomorrow, I have to go to a meeting first thing in the morning, after a short vacation, and explain to my boss the point of my project. In the end I will be expected to have the project perfectly done by my original deadline. While my bosses disclaimer me, that means several 16 hour work days for myself. That is all my bosses do is assume with my project. I do not get specs, I am just kind of told what to do. Then when it is wrong, I am wrong. It gets old very fast. Just like me being the butt of everyone's jokes.

    Yeah I am the loser in the office. I am stuck on the shitty uninteresting project. So among the developers I am a joke. I can live with that thought, that was basically my college life. It is my project manager. She is insisting that we are going to get married. I know she is joking, but she is really committed to the bit. I have worked with her for over a year now. She knows I am not social. She has figured out that I could not interest a female in me. So she continues to tease me. And since I lack a spine I just take it. This is a female who can have any male she wants. She recently has been making me aware of that fact... for some reason. Yet she tells me we are going to be dating. Funny how that will never happen. I think she just needs her kicks. And I will just let her kick me... because I lack the spine to confront her about it.

    Being Out Going

    So this past weekend I got some of my going out and socializing time in, at an anime convention. This is just another example of how I am screwed up as a human. I go out and I cannot meet one new person. By meet I mean a person I can actually walk away knowing a new name. On saturday, there were events going on form 0:00 to 10:00 in the same room with the same basic group of people. Yet I after nearly 7 hours I cannot name one person I met. Even though I spent the evening talking to all of them. I just go to panels and sit there. It is funny really, because conventions are supposed to be socializing things. Yet I treat them like every other day of the week. I awkwardly walk around till I get to the thing I want. Then I quickly disappear. Which is why I have given up on being social.

    Then again I have to ask, why do I even care? People just get in the way of my productivity. My roommate is a prime example of that. So why do I even care if I have friends? I guess a part of me believes that if I befriend females I can have sex with them. But I know that is just wishful thinking. So why even bother? What does being out going get me? The answer is nothing worth while. Yet I feel like shit when I fail to be out going.

    Roommates

    God how much fucking longer do I have to deal with this shit? Having a roommate is like having a job. My roommate is incapable of doing anything. I ask him to tell me when I need to have money for the deposit on the new apartment. I am called to with silence. I ask him what he needs for his specialized diet, again silence. I get nothing from this guy. I mean every penny I get back from him on split bills is spent in time. I am the one who calls maintenance. I am the one who cooks the meals. I am the one who keeps his life going. Plus he is always around.

    When I say always around I mean it. He is literally always around me. If I get home and go into my room and close the door, he comes in. If I want to go to bed he has to confirm I am going to bed. If I want to go some where he has to come with me. To make matters worse, when he wants to do something that I do not feel like doing, he guilt trips me. His life depends on mine. He mindlessly follows me around. I as surprised this past weekend when I was able to get him to go home when there were no more panels for him to attend. Lets not even get started on the anime guilt trip.

    Guilt trips in general, but anime specifically. Why don't you tell me when you are watching those? When did you watch that one? All sorts of questions like that. Fuck I run an anime website. I need to watch anime. Yet he cannot even stay awake for 2 seconds to watch the anime. Then I am the one at fault. I just do not get it. I am wondering what kind of guilt trip I will get next year when I tell him I think we need to have separate apartments. Provided I can have a spine and tell him.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    My childhood was very detrimental I grew up beleiving i was worthless nothing garbage god so i decided to show them all i was not as they said and i became someone it was very hard and very lonely but i became someone who now cares for others who are in pain and are suffering. Turn that pain that suffering you had to endure into something positive all the energy of negativity use it instead to make people suffering around you a little less. I still fight the worthlessness the pain and often want out but i know i can help others by treating them the way they should be treated with respect and dignity no matter what background they come from how much money they have or illness they have Turn the pain the anger into helping others okay it will be hard but it can be done. I am sorry you are suffering so much and i wish someone could take that pain away from you but unfortunately i found out that it was only me that could turn my life around you can do it too. take the pain and turn it into something positive I hope i am making some sense sorry i am very tired now.
     
  3. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Money


    Havent got any. Really nothing. Havent for so long that if I had an extra $50 I'd feel like flippin royality!!!!! And I know I'm not about to see any for a long time to come.


    I Hate My Job


    Wish I had one to hate. Every two years my pdoc signs that little piece of paper extending my fate at being unemployable. Once upon a time in a lifetime long long ago I managed 7 retail stores. Recently I've tried but wow, once after only two hours another employee found me cowering in the meat freezer. So yeah....


    Being Out Going


    Used to be. Yep used to have a life once. Could be in a room with more than three strangers at a time without freaking right out. Could go out to social functions and public places and find reasons to smile, laugh and hang around. Now it takes about an hour to do a ten minute shop at Walmarts. And it isnt because I keep finding great sales on the clothes and shoes (lol).

    Roommates


    Living all alone. Going by the previous remarks always bemuses me as to why (lol)???

    Dont knw why I posted guess just felt like I needed to get that out. Sorry to interupt your thread but yet thanks for giving me the opportunity to get it out :arms:
     
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    ~violet~:I have found that taking the high road and hoping for something in return has never worked. I give people respect and am kind to them. They just take it and leave. I just find it hard to keep on going in a world that could not care less.

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption: Sadly my anime/game driven lifestyle requires a lot of money. I am very introverted, and in many ways I like it. However, it is when I go out among people to do stuff that is fun, like anime conventions, that I feel like shit. Otherwise I am pretty content with just being introverted.

    itmahanh: It is always hard coming here. So many people are such a great deal poorer than I, it makes me feel even worse.
     
  6. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    i know what you mean..i go through alot of money. I've never been to an anime or game convention, so i'm somewhat jealous.
    I'm not content with being introverted. I'm content if i'm with someone who is also introverted, a friend, a significant other, but otherwise my introversion depresses me.
     
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Ah I see there is that distinction. I used to ne content by myself. I wonder what changed.