Weak Willed and Weary

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Adam, Jan 11, 2007.

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  1. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    I am back at that place again where a grinning lunatic that’s so angry and frustrated is held back behind a smile that wants to rip free and shred apart the universe in an orgy of violence and destruction. But this side of me is tempered by a crushing sense of hopelessness and apathy that is robbing me of the will to even move much.

    This is not the first time I have felt this way and now I am slipping down into a dangerous place which I have near fatally visited before. So being a responsible person I tried telling my Psychiatrist but I guess I wasn’t emotional enough or forthright enough. I explained things like I was reading off a shopping list I doubt that did me any favors. But its not like me to let slip my mask of ‘I am Fine’ I have kept on for so long its almost become second nature to dumb down how I truly feel or out and out lie and say yeah things are good. Just to not upset those people around me.

    I can’t seem to just let it all out and breakdown in a big emotional outburst but my god do I want too. I think the outcome of seeing my Psychiatrist would then have been very different. I did not tell her I have the means and they are here with me now. I feel like I am a complete waste of their time any way and am just too far gone. Don’t see a point any more.

    Just going round in agonizing circles don’t even know what I want anymore. Ambition has gone out the window along with the will to even try. What am I trying for any way? Every time I rebuild and get a life it all turns to shit again in an endless cycle. I feel like I am in rapid decline and am out of phase with myself. Worst of all my headspace is moving to an, ‘I don’t care attitude’ that is finding everything hysterical for no reason. Or it leads to such numbness I don’t even feel real and I am just a flat and hollow thing going through the motions of existing.

    I kind of want some one to take away my choices just because I don’t trust myself any more. But another part of me is so weary and just wants to say why bother just do it now and rest, sleep end the cycle stop trying when time and time again it has all proven to be futile.

    So very exhausted, but I have the option of getting some one else to explain how I am because I am too retarded to do so for myself. But then I think the result would be hospital, but what will that achieve?
    My experience of inpatient ‘care’ and I use the term ‘care’ lightly was not all that helpful.
    I just feel I am just out of options again…
     
  2. Grotesque

    Grotesque Well-Known Member

    I know the frustration.
    It never ends.
    I know the cycling circle life has ben going in.
    You aren't feeling this alone.
    I know you think no one is there, no one cares.
    I feel the same. You feel like a angsty emo teenager
    and are too scared to admit it.
    You are a strong individual.
    Be more open and optimistic about your future.
    This will pass.
     
  3. red_trail

    red_trail Active Member

    i understand the frustration you are having huni...

    hugs xx please take care x
     
  4. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    This is all just so pointless...
     
  5. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    adam i'm here guy if you want to talk some more. i'm not so entirely sure what to say here (just being honest), but i will do my best to be here for you now if you need me. please take care of yourself and i hope we'll talk soon.
     
  6. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Cheers Insignificant I appreciate your offer, I am in a hopeless place right now and could certainly use a friend.
     
  7. BeenThere

    BeenThere Guest

    I will talk with ya......if you want my msn let me no.
     
  8. delirium

    delirium Well-Known Member

    Ugh... so many things hit really close to home in your post.

    I have trouble letting that mask slip as well. I can't even really do it here yet and I admire your ability to post in such a clear and detailed way about what you're going through.

    If you ever need to talk to someone I'm here as well. Take care. :smile:
     
  9. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I can understand the feelings your having... I'm here if you need to talk.
    I saw you weren't having a good night in chat last night, im sorry I was taking up everyones time...
    Are you okay?
     
  10. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member

    Adam,

    I am sorry that your in so much pain! It is painful to not be yourself and to feel like you have to hide behind a mask and keep a silly grin on your face when you're in so much pain on the inside.

    I'm glad you feel safe enough here to take your mask off and be yourself. This is a safe place to do that. I encourage you to take your mask off and post as often as you need/want to. You can be yourself here.

    It is difficult and frustrating to feel like life is one agonizing cycle. Inside you want the madness to stop. You want the futility of life to end. And living this way is so exhausting.

    But, you still have options. You still have choices. Your life can turn around. You know some of the greatest and most successful people did not initially find success in their lives. Some failed 1,000's of times. But, they got back up again. They did not focus on their failures; they focused on what they wanted to achieve.

    Adam, what is it that you want? What do you want your life to be about? Its time to push "delete" on your past cycles...and look ahead and focus on what you want your life to be about! There's so much good in front of you. Its not behind you. Its in front of you! So, press delete on the past. Rest. Breathe. Relax. And take some time to think about what you want your life to be about?

    God bless,
     
  11. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    This is a terrible agony, I just exist for the sake of my father and that is all. I so want him to understand and let me go, but I know he won’t. I nearly succeeded in killing myself seven months ago, in that time nothing has improved and I doubt it ever will. Because I am all out of any will now to even try. I just want to say goodbye to my dad and that be it, but I can’t even do that because he will just ring the police. So I have got to endure, or just go quietly.
    I don’t know what t do any more and am entirely lost and feel like I cant breathe.
     
  12. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

    Adam,

    Im sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed right now and helpless. I am glad you have your dad in your life, he sounds to be an important part of your life and you dont want to hurt him. What are some of the things going on that have gotten you feeling so suicidal? Im so glad that you have come to this forum, this is a great place for support and you'll find many people who can relate to exactly how your feeling. I hope you can lean on us for awhile and open up about some of the things that are causing you this distress. Please know that you are a worthy person and a special person and you deserve to be happy and enjoy life. I hope you feel free to PM me or any of the wonderfull staff members here on the site, we really do care and want to help you get through this. I do hope you take good care of yourself...I look forward to hearing more from you....I'll be thinking of you.....-Jodi
     
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