I am back at that place again where a grinning lunatic that’s so angry and frustrated is held back behind a smile that wants to rip free and shred apart the universe in an orgy of violence and destruction. But this side of me is tempered by a crushing sense of hopelessness and apathy that is robbing me of the will to even move much.
This is not the first time I have felt this way and now I am slipping down into a dangerous place which I have near fatally visited before. So being a responsible person I tried telling my Psychiatrist but I guess I wasn’t emotional enough or forthright enough. I explained things like I was reading off a shopping list I doubt that did me any favors. But its not like me to let slip my mask of ‘I am Fine’ I have kept on for so long its almost become second nature to dumb down how I truly feel or out and out lie and say yeah things are good. Just to not upset those people around me.
I can’t seem to just let it all out and breakdown in a big emotional outburst but my god do I want too. I think the outcome of seeing my Psychiatrist would then have been very different. I did not tell her I have the means and they are here with me now. I feel like I am a complete waste of their time any way and am just too far gone. Don’t see a point any more.
Just going round in agonizing circles don’t even know what I want anymore. Ambition has gone out the window along with the will to even try. What am I trying for any way? Every time I rebuild and get a life it all turns to shit again in an endless cycle. I feel like I am in rapid decline and am out of phase with myself. Worst of all my headspace is moving to an, ‘I don’t care attitude’ that is finding everything hysterical for no reason. Or it leads to such numbness I don’t even feel real and I am just a flat and hollow thing going through the motions of existing.
I kind of want some one to take away my choices just because I don’t trust myself any more. But another part of me is so weary and just wants to say why bother just do it now and rest, sleep end the cycle stop trying when time and time again it has all proven to be futile.
So very exhausted, but I have the option of getting some one else to explain how I am because I am too retarded to do so for myself. But then I think the result would be hospital, but what will that achieve?
My experience of inpatient ‘care’ and I use the term ‘care’ lightly was not all that helpful.
I just feel I am just out of options again…
This is not the first time I have felt this way and now I am slipping down into a dangerous place which I have near fatally visited before. So being a responsible person I tried telling my Psychiatrist but I guess I wasn’t emotional enough or forthright enough. I explained things like I was reading off a shopping list I doubt that did me any favors. But its not like me to let slip my mask of ‘I am Fine’ I have kept on for so long its almost become second nature to dumb down how I truly feel or out and out lie and say yeah things are good. Just to not upset those people around me.
I can’t seem to just let it all out and breakdown in a big emotional outburst but my god do I want too. I think the outcome of seeing my Psychiatrist would then have been very different. I did not tell her I have the means and they are here with me now. I feel like I am a complete waste of their time any way and am just too far gone. Don’t see a point any more.
Just going round in agonizing circles don’t even know what I want anymore. Ambition has gone out the window along with the will to even try. What am I trying for any way? Every time I rebuild and get a life it all turns to shit again in an endless cycle. I feel like I am in rapid decline and am out of phase with myself. Worst of all my headspace is moving to an, ‘I don’t care attitude’ that is finding everything hysterical for no reason. Or it leads to such numbness I don’t even feel real and I am just a flat and hollow thing going through the motions of existing.
I kind of want some one to take away my choices just because I don’t trust myself any more. But another part of me is so weary and just wants to say why bother just do it now and rest, sleep end the cycle stop trying when time and time again it has all proven to be futile.
So very exhausted, but I have the option of getting some one else to explain how I am because I am too retarded to do so for myself. But then I think the result would be hospital, but what will that achieve?
My experience of inpatient ‘care’ and I use the term ‘care’ lightly was not all that helpful.
I just feel I am just out of options again…