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Weak-willed and Weary

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Zueri

Well-Known Member
#1
Hey!

Still kinda new here...

I thank everybody for the warm welcomes I received earlier...Probably didn't deserve them, though.

Anyways...let me get to the point.

I'm getting worse. I started cutting again and can't get to sleep. When I do, I just don't want to get out of bed. I feel like I can just stay there forever...drifting...lost in time.
I can't eat. Food makes me nauseous. I try to, but I end up throwing it all up. I don't understand why...Does depression do that to you?
I think I'm going insane too...Sometimes, when I look at certain people (even those who I've never met before), I can practically hear their disapproval in my head...Kind of like "Why the hell do you even bother? You know that nobody cares about you...It's your own fault that your mom died" voices.
Then there's that little annoying voice in my head that's telling me I'm a failure. I know I'm a burden to my dad...and I bet he would do anything to exchange my place with my mom's...so that I had died and she had lived. I'm beginning to wish so myself.
I've also recently been burying myself in books. I stay up the whole night reading them, despite the fact that I should be sleeping...They're mainly philosophy and religion...but I can't find any answers in them.

I'm going crazy, aren't I? I'm a miserable failure. I know it. So why do I bother sticking around? I want to kill myself, but I just can't do it. Am I afraid of the pain, or is it something else? Maybe that I might end up in eternal flame in hell? Does that even exist? Hell, do I even exist?
 

bipolarkitty

Well-Known Member
#2
syiah, I understand what you're feeling. I wish I could help. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that you're not alone. If you ever want to talk, you can reach me on my msn. It's in my signature.
 

Zueri

Well-Known Member
#3
hey, bipolarkitty! Thanks for the kind words...In a way, they DO help. Many people refuse to acknowledge my existance anymore...
 

Zueri

Well-Known Member
#4
One thing that occurred to me just now that I neglected to mention...

I developed this strange fear of being around people and leaving the house...
Why could that be?

I wish I could just be the happy old me that I once was...What happened to that me?
 

sunshinesunny

Well-Known Member
#5
it might e some sort of a psychoses or schizophereia . sorry some of my leys are ot workig so its hard to type. you should see a psychiatrist. I got udersterstadig of psychology my self ad i have helped some people here ad they felt much etter after talkig to me. you ca talk to me if you like
 

Ruby

Well-Known Member
#6
These symptoms could indicate a psychosis. Or it could be severe depression.

I find it really difficult to sleep too, I guess it doesn't help that I don't wake up until the afternoon :blink:

Have you been feeling stressed recently?
 

Zueri

Well-Known Member
#7
Thanks, sunshinesunny and Ruby!

I honestly don't know. I may be a schiz, I am probably depressed. Maybe in a psychotic episode.

I'm just scared of myself right now. My thoughts are jumbled and revolve around one thing: death...my mom's death and everything that came with it.
It sounds sick, but I'm mad at her for leaving! She was getting better when she died...
The unjustifiable anger makes me mad at myself cause I shouldn't be mad at my mom...etc etc. Ramble Ramble.

My sanity is slipping away slowly...
 

Right U R Ken

Well-Known Member
#9
syiah have you gotten any therapy about your mother's death? This is obviously a major trauma for anyone. And clearly you've taken it hard. You shouldn't be made at either your mother or yourself. You know that. You need to remind yourself of that all the time. It's not your fault. It's not your mother's fault. It's not anyone's fault. It happened and it's very sad. Grieve but don't blame.
 

Zueri

Well-Known Member
#10
I dunno.

About seeing a therapist...
I live under my dad's military dictatorship in the house.
I told him I probably needed help. A lot of people I know told him too.
I specifically told him how I felt. That I felt like I wanted to kill myself or stay hidden in my room forever. He told me I was being selfish and wanted attention.
 

Right U R Ken

Well-Known Member
#11
How old are you syiah? If you're still in school tell the counselor there. See if they can help. You really do need to see someone. It's clear you're taking it hard and it may only get worse. Forget what your dad said. He sounds like as big a jerk as my neighbors boyfriend. We both need to ignore those people.
 
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Zueri

Well-Known Member
#12
I'm still in HS, so there is a counselor there.

I just don't want to put up with stuff at school though. If I talk to him, he will talk to my dean, who in turn will talk to my teachers, who in turn will make a big deal of it...which in turn will result in a lot of fake kindness and friendship, which I can't stand.

It's sad...When my mom died I thought that things couldn't get worse...they did.

People say that when you fall down far enough, the only way you can go is up. That's not true...You can still go into the ground.
 
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