:mellow: I have been sitting here staring at the comment window for a very long time…wondering what to write…wondering if I should write anything. But I have learned since being here that writing helps, so here I go. I used to get by, ignore it all. Lie to myself, to others, and just exist. its impossible to get back to that place, now. Yet I must somehow live in a world of lies, wearing a deceivers crown, this mask of lies. I can't tell anyone anymore how I'm truly feeling. A simple question, "how are you?", it's just a greeting. No one wants to know the truth. I lie. Everyday. To some, I mention how I am feeling. "Why?" "How come?" accusatory tones. As if I'm at fault or did something wrong, or worse, they might have. or conversely, they disappear, back away, close off. I lie now, too. To them. It makes it easier. Perhaps, if I do this long enough, I can begin to believe this lie again, find that place I've allowed myself to hide for so many years alone. Because I don't think I have much courage left to continue like this. I feel as if I'm in a dark place right now. And I'm trying to laugh to keep from crying.