Wearing the Crown

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by UpForAbbey, Jun 28, 2008.

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  1. UpForAbbey

    UpForAbbey Guest

    :mellow:

    I have been sitting here staring at the comment window for a very long time…wondering what to write…wondering if I should write anything. But I have learned since being here that writing helps, so here I go.

    I used to get by, ignore it all. Lie to myself, to others, and just exist. its impossible to get back to that place, now.

    Yet I must somehow live in a world of lies, wearing a deceivers crown, this mask of lies. I can't tell anyone anymore how I'm truly feeling. A simple question, "how are you?", it's just a greeting. No one wants to know the truth. I lie. Everyday.

    To some, I mention how I am feeling. "Why?" "How come?" accusatory tones. As if I'm at fault or did something wrong, or worse, they might have. or conversely, they disappear, back away, close off. I lie now, too. To them. It makes it easier.

    Perhaps, if I do this long enough, I can begin to believe this lie again, find that place I've allowed myself to hide for so many years alone. Because I don't think I have much courage left to continue like this.

    I feel as if I'm in a dark place right now. And I'm trying to laugh to keep from crying.
     
  2. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    I as well lie about how I'm feeling.
    To those whom I am extremly close to, however, I give them the truth

    Have you gone to a counsler and talked to her about this?
     
  3. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i'm so sorry you feel you need to resort to lieing. i am most certainly interested in how you are doing. i totally could see how you would be feeling like you are living in a dark place right now. i've been there, and i can certainly relate to it. all i guess i feel like i can do is to encourage you to start telling the truth(personally i don't think it matters what people think).myself and this guy i work with tell the truth constantly. he even admitted to me maybe too much sometimes, but we wouldn't change a thing. it takes too much work to lie and remember the lie and that sort of thing. this can change things for the better by tellin' the truth, but it just might take some time. with the most sincerity please please hang on and stay safe. please take care too
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2008
  4. Rachael41

    Rachael41 Well-Known Member

    i think sometimes, that lyin is necessary. I lie to, to everyone/ family / friends. i know how u feel. im sure ur have heard this a million times from ppl on here, but i understand.

    I feel ashtough when ppl ask "hw r u" they r jst bein polite..they dont really care about us, they dnt wnt 2 hear our shit :( and wen we reply saying "fine" .....they feel better for asking and we jst perfect out knack for lying even more :(

    I really think its easier to lie than to confess "all"..

    I think if lying is easier u should continue ....thats the way i feel. but its upto u? jst no that i understand hw u feel....we all do :) and u can pm me at any time if u need to chat :)

    if u really feel asthough lying is eating u up inside and u might hurt urself or do something, then i think u should talk to some1 u trust and care about :)
     
  5. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    honesty is hard to come by.

    everyday conversation is so dis-honest I think. fake, scripted.

    hi, how are you, good, howve you been, oh great, heard we're supposed to have a storm this weekend, oh yea, but its supposed to be nice on thursday, oh yes i heard that too.

    empty empty empty empty.


    Anyway, I've felt for a long time that I've been dishonest with myself and people around me. But ever since I had serious thoughts of suicide, I figured why not be honest, what have I got to lose? I let nothing but honesty come out of my mouth, and I stopped hanging out with a couple friends that I used to hang out with, but it felt good. Not to say that I'm at a better point in my life right now or anything, just that it feels good to be honesty even if those around you don't appreciate it.

    Everyone's got masks up so it's hard to know what honesty really is even. But no matter how long you have been dishonest, true feelings will shine through again someday, it might feel scary but relieving.

    If you feel like you don't want to share everything on the forum, pm me anytime. Seriously. Honestly :laugh:

    :hug:
     
  6. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    im afraid to be honest
    it makes me nervous and i end up hurt everytime
    someone always turns their back on me
    and i end up cutting
     
  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    you know where i am if you need to talk. You know you can talk to me about anything and trust me :hug:
     
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    In real life you wear a mask but i'm sure as you make more friends on SF, you can slowly start taking that mask off.
     
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I think many of us put on that mask when facing the outside world. We are afraid to be honest because they just don't understand. SF is a place to come where you can take off the mask and just be you. It has actually helped me to be a little more honest with some people in RL. You have to choose carefully though. Take care Abbey. :hug:
     
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