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Weary,bored, unfunctioned

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cloudsgazer, Jun 27, 2016.

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  1. Cloudsgazer

    Cloudsgazer New Member

    The book I read today really concludes well of my situation. Since when I'm in this morbid state of mind? Since when I became so isolated? It probably would be considered a drastic behaviour by others that I cut connections with all the so-called friends ,classmates, relatives and acquaintances. I'm so sick of people's names displaying in my phone book when I couldn't find one to dial and tell him/her how wretched a soul I have. I'm so irritated by people's posts on social apps when I have absolutely no interest of knowing their tedious lives. I'm extremely bored and offended by people's comment and advises on how to lead a productive and positive way of life. It seems their life is a life and mine is a bloody mess. If all men want to be happy, what the difference is it for a man who wants die from a man who wants to live? It doesn't mean dying is not scaring; it's the alternative that is impossible to bear.

    When will I finally have the guts?

    Wittgenstein's nephew, a friendship
    “For before I met my friend there had been a period when I was prey to a morbid melancholy, if not depression, when I really believed I was lost, when for years I did no proper work but spent most of my days in a state of total apathy and often came close to putting an end to my life by my own hand. For years I had taken refuge in a terrible suicidal brooding, which deadened my mind and made everything unendurable, above all myself—brooding on the utter futility all around me, into which I had been plunged by my general weakness, but above all my weakness of character. For a long time I could not imagine being able to go on living, or even existing. I was no longer capable of seizing upon any purpose in life that would have given me control over myself. Every morning on waking I was inevitably caught up in this mechanism of suicidal brooding, and I remained in its grip throughout the day. And I was deserted by everyone because I had deserted everyone—that is the truth—because I no longer wanted anyone. I no longer wanted anything, but I was too much of a coward to make an end of it all. It was probably at the height of my despair—a word that I am not ashamed to use, as I no longer intend to deceive myself or gloss over anything, since nothing can be glossed over in a society and a world that perpetually seeks to gloss over everything in the most sickening manner—that Paul appeared on the scene at Irina’s apartment in the Blumenstockgasse.”
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 27, 2016
  2. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    No time to write that much right now, but that's similar to my own circumstances and motivations, or lack there of..
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Cloudsgazer (and OCDNihilism!), suicide is a permanent option. Many times we can feel bummed out by life or a bad situation, but in life, things gradually improve. Maybe not to our most wonderful ideal, but they do get "better." It is sad to think that anyone might off him/herself in a moment of transitory unhappiness, boredom, despair. Life is an opportunity to use whatever time we have here to make things as good as we can for ourselves, and maybe for other people and animals, and the planet. We can enjoy things as much as possible, make things as good as possible, try to be as "good" as possible - that is, "live as well as we can." Or one could say that nothing is ever worthwhile so it's better to just give up. And in giving up, one determines that life CANNOT offer anything because one is now dead. That seems very sad to me.

    Maybe you have no interest in social media and other people's "tedious lives." I sort of understand what you mean...That much of the "ooh, aah" in life these days can be superficial. It doesn't have to be superficial. Life is made up of lots of little moments both good and bad, and the good can be meaningful if we seek to make sure that what we do ourselves has deep meaning on our own terms. So, what would make your life less boring and more meaningful? How could you get involved in things that would inspire you to live rather than die? I'm asking because I hope there are things that mean something to you...love, beauty, art, helping people, helping the environment, being kind, teaching, communicating...(There's lots out there that might interest a deep thinker like yourself. :) )
  4. Cloudsgazer

    Cloudsgazer New Member

    Hi Acy, thanks for ur good intentions. I could understand your perspective and approach for a "better" life. But maybe it's a bit tough for u to be in my shoes and give a go. I really lack of the interest for "things" whatever they are seemingly "good" or "bad". (Precisely speaking, I believe no good and bad, but only dull and charming) If there should be a thing that I could be addicted to, that would be detaching myself from the things I might get attached to. I put no values on things in this world. How come offering myself and dedicating myself to others' wellbeing would actually help me feel more " meaningful " ? Aren't people doing things to make themselves feel good either physically or psychologically? That should be applyied to " not doing as well. It's not like I haven't tried or done what you just mentioned in order to bring myself out of the infinite mind cycle. Nothing helped. Nothing could stir a feeling of enjoyment. I'm bitter about the fact that I could not taste the pleasures of "things or doing things". And now, I'm tired of even think about them.

    I'm not certain about the nihilistic character I might share, but I see the world an empty one. I see myself an absurd creature living in vain. If there's a point in this life to those who proclaim it, it also make no sense to those who deny it.

    I don't know about others who are in a similar state of mind, honestly, I find it's meaningless to even try to explain things. If something needs to be explained , it's very likely it still would not be understood afterwards.

    Anyways. To be conformed in this world , I have to be polite and gratitude to your advises even though I have already stated I would be offended and bored to such idea enforcement.
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