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Things are feeling very hard at the moment, and I am struggling to cope. I am doing on the job training in an incredibly demanding profession. It is becoming too much, I am not coping with it. It is taking over my life, I feel like my knowledge is lacking, and there are serious consequences if I mess up. That scares me every day. At the moment I am finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning and go, some days I phone in sick, but I can’t keep doing that. I get what I suppose you would term social anxiety, and that is made all the harder with the nature of what I do. My childhood was somewhat different to norm, I was kept in a lot of isolation from the outside world, and now I find it very hard to interact with others with ease. I don’t feel normal, I have never felt normal. I know normal is a subjective term, and there is no such thing really. What I mean is, for once I would like to be able to see some similarities between me and other people, to not always feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, that I can just blend in a bit. The further I get through my training and the more that is expected of me, the harder I am finding it to deliver, and the more I am starting to hate it. I know that I can’t do it. And yet at the same time, it is my life. And hating it scares me to the core. When I was growing up and things were so very hard, I clung onto working towards this, being able to get onto this training was my ticket away from a life that I could no longer deal with. I thought, in my naivety, that it would solve everything, that getting away from things would make my life ok again. But of course it didn’t. Just before Christmas, part of my training pointed out that divide between ‘me’ and ‘them’ in a black and white that I have known before but… well, which hasn’t been voiced in quite that way before I them. It is something I have always felt, but which I could always say to myself, “well, maybe not…” until now, there it is in black and white in front of me – some things are mutually exclusive with no overlap, and ‘me’ and ‘my career’ are one of those things.

I am tired and weary of this life. I want to be able to ‘live’, for it to be easy for a change, for it not to be a daily struggle and fight. I have been fighting too long now. And the fight is overwhelming me. I am fighting physical health issues as well which may put an end to my career before it’s even begun even if I did manage to continue with it. And since Christmas, an idea has been growing ever stronger. I am going abroad soon, for a while, to a very rural, underdeveloped area of the world. It is what I had always wanted to do long term, but the physical health issues mean that this will be my last ever chance to do it, if I come back, that’s it, that chapter of my life is closed forever. But I am thinking now that I don’t want to come back. About disappearing at the end of the trip and ending things. I am travelling alone, it would be easy enough. I watched a film a while ago, I hadn’t seen it in a while and I had forgotten the ending, until I watched it again. It is a not entirely dissimilar setting to what I will be going away to do. And the ending sort of… concreted what I had been thinking for a while. It sounds stupid, talking about a film like that, and I don’t mean that I intend to copy a film, I mean, this was something I had been thinking more and more for a while and then watching that film, it almost made it seem more real, the situation. I’m sorry if all that sounds horribly jumbled and cryptic, and I’m sorry it’s so long. I am always paranoid that someone somewhere will spot details and recognise me from it. And even though it may not make sense, I have needed to write that down for a while, and just get it out, somewhere where I am not known, where it is ok to say it. And I think it helped
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