I am highly intoxicated, I am probably what most people would consider an alcoholic. I really do not know how to explain the situation that I am in. I have a girlfriend that has a baby. I knew from the very beginning that there was a definite chance that it was not my baby. Everybody including her made me believe that it was, whether it was her saying the dr.s saying that the date conceived was such and such, or even after he was born everyone coming into the room telling me that there was no way that he wasn't my baby because of resemblance. I love both of them with everything I have. I would love to be there for both of them for my whole life and give them everything they've ever wanted. However I am also an asshole, I do not mean to be, but I do not want to be alive and I sometimes forget that I should when I am talking to my girlfriend. I have a tendency to start fights that are not really worth starting just because I am an asshole and hate myself to the extent that I need to justify it by putting someone else into the wrong. I hate to blame this on the way I was brought up, but my parents never had a good relationship. To this day my father's adopted parent's can bring tears to my eye's with the things that they say. I do know the difference between a bad parent and a good one, but I have had to deal with both. My grandparents tell me that I do not deserve their family name because, their adopted son, my father, is not actually their family. I feel so bad for my Dad because I know he has dealt with this his whole life. I know they hate me and my mom for whatever reason, but I wish they wouldn't treat my father the way they do. He acts like it doesn't bother him, but I know that it really does. I can't even describe the life I have dealt with, my Dad is not the most open with his feelings and has been known on occasion to attack my mom. I have never felt that I have ever been a highlight of his life. I do feel the need to tell you that I am not an emo, I am quite the opposite. I unfortunately have been the bully. I am usually the one that would win the fight. I am not proud of that however, I would much rather be the one that can understand the other person's feelings. All I have left to say is, I need some words that really stick. I honestly have my mind made up, I never live my life past today. If I have no reason to get through tomorrow, which nobody here can give me, then I can not wait to get my 9mm and end all of this. For the last year I have had my mind stuck on this decision but I have never acted upon it, in hopes that my mind would change. Now I know the whole truth, I have nothing left to keep pushing forward towards too.