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Wednesday *trigger*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by *dilligaf*, Apr 29, 2007.

  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    dont suppose this really belongs here, but its not fair my friends to have to listen to it all, so im hoping this will help. just a rant about my nan going to the hospital on wednesday for some test result...feel free to ignore :hug:

    i still remember it. april 3rd 2006. sitting in that room in leicester hospital with my mum, hearing that they couldnt do anything for my nan, and that tey were saying she was going to die. i can still feel my mum CRUSHING my hand, crying, asking for a timescale etc. i can see the spot on the wall i had to concentrate on in order not to cry. i remember it all.
    i remember being in the hosital here, them telling her how bad it was. again holding her hand and supporting everyone.
    all along all ive tried to do is support them, and i did it fine for a while. then, once the initial shock etc had gone down, i flipped out. lost it, that was when my od's started etc. it was almost like, all those months of not being aloowed a weak moment..they all came at once, and then i couldnt stop it.
    we have to go back on wednesday. im scared, so scared. i have been having flashbacks tonight already. i KNOW its gonna be bad news....just dont know HOW bad. and i know what will happen. ill sit in there, holding my nans hand.comforting her and my mum. come home and do the same with the rest of my family, be the strong one. be the one that holds us all together.
    THEN...im gonna loose it. im not strong enough for this at the moment, ask anyone thats spoken to me in the last few days..im not coping with anything. i cant do that too.
    and i hate myself. how many MILLIONS of people go through this, and manage to deal with it???????? my nan is fucking DYING and shes clinging onto every second she has. me, im cutting and trying to kill myselfr. how pathetic, selfish, stupid and weak can u get eh :mad:
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug: Sam
  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni


    Your not pathetic, selfish, stupid and weak. People deal with shock in many ways. Everyone has their own coping methods. Im gonna be here on wednesday and im gonna do EVERYTHING i can to help you out. You know if i haven't heard by you from that time ima ring ya.

    ima MAKE sure im here.

    Loves u

  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    thanks est :hug:

    vikki honey,
    i dont know where i would be without u. loves u. ur so very special, remember that :hug:
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    im going mad.
    i cant deal with hearing it all agian.
    i know its gotten worse. i just know it. and i dont wanna be there to hear it. but i have no choice.
    must find my mask. must be strong. must not cry....
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    You can cry to me any time u like sweetheart. Am here if u wanna talk.

    Loves ya x
  7. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    ty bu i cant
    must not cry
    i loose people when i cry
    when i start i cant stop
    must be strong for nan
    she needs me...
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Darling, ur no gonna loose me and u know that. Am here forever and always. xx
  9. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    thanks :smile:

    we are just back. the cancer has grown, but not spread. the best news is that they ARE going to give her 5 more lots of radiotherapy. :smile:
  10. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni


    glad it went ok sweetie :hug:
  11. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    Im really glad it went ok this morning, im sory that i havent been that good on helpind. But i know you understand why and want to say thank you for the support you have given me over the past couple days :hug:
  12. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    thank you both. and starlight, your more than welcome x