dont suppose this really belongs here, but its not fair my friends to have to listen to it all, so im hoping this will help. just a rant about my nan going to the hospital on wednesday for some test result...feel free to ignore :hug:
i still remember it. april 3rd 2006. sitting in that room in leicester hospital with my mum, hearing that they couldnt do anything for my nan, and that tey were saying she was going to die. i can still feel my mum CRUSHING my hand, crying, asking for a timescale etc. i can see the spot on the wall i had to concentrate on in order not to cry. i remember it all.
i remember being in the hosital here, them telling her how bad it was. again holding her hand and supporting everyone.
all along all ive tried to do is support them, and i did it fine for a while. then, once the initial shock etc had gone down, i flipped out. lost it, that was when my od's started etc. it was almost like, all those months of not being aloowed a weak moment..they all came at once, and then i couldnt stop it.
we have to go back on wednesday. im scared, so scared. i have been having flashbacks tonight already. i KNOW its gonna be bad news....just dont know HOW bad. and i know what will happen. ill sit in there, holding my nans hand.comforting her and my mum. come home and do the same with the rest of my family, be the strong one. be the one that holds us all together.
THEN...im gonna loose it. im not strong enough for this at the moment, ask anyone thats spoken to me in the last few days..im not coping with anything. i cant do that too.
and i hate myself. how many MILLIONS of people go through this, and manage to deal with it???????? my nan is fucking DYING and shes clinging onto every second she has. me, im cutting and trying to kill myselfr. how pathetic, selfish, stupid and weak can u get eh
i still remember it. april 3rd 2006. sitting in that room in leicester hospital with my mum, hearing that they couldnt do anything for my nan, and that tey were saying she was going to die. i can still feel my mum CRUSHING my hand, crying, asking for a timescale etc. i can see the spot on the wall i had to concentrate on in order not to cry. i remember it all.
i remember being in the hosital here, them telling her how bad it was. again holding her hand and supporting everyone.
all along all ive tried to do is support them, and i did it fine for a while. then, once the initial shock etc had gone down, i flipped out. lost it, that was when my od's started etc. it was almost like, all those months of not being aloowed a weak moment..they all came at once, and then i couldnt stop it.
we have to go back on wednesday. im scared, so scared. i have been having flashbacks tonight already. i KNOW its gonna be bad news....just dont know HOW bad. and i know what will happen. ill sit in there, holding my nans hand.comforting her and my mum. come home and do the same with the rest of my family, be the strong one. be the one that holds us all together.
THEN...im gonna loose it. im not strong enough for this at the moment, ask anyone thats spoken to me in the last few days..im not coping with anything. i cant do that too.
and i hate myself. how many MILLIONS of people go through this, and manage to deal with it???????? my nan is fucking DYING and shes clinging onto every second she has. me, im cutting and trying to kill myselfr. how pathetic, selfish, stupid and weak can u get eh
