I just need to ramble a bit... I started out oversleeping. (not all that dramatic as I'm still jobless) But I know my LDR boyfriend might get worried if he couldn't reach me. I usually get up at 7:45... and I woke up at 10! I must have completely ignored the alarm... Probably because I have been going to bed at 2 in the night or later lately... I woke up in a sort of weird haze... I don't take any psychopharmica, only pain relief... my morning coffee didn't help either... After having some good talks and laughs with the boyfriend I went out shopping... I still felt that weird haze... like I wasn't awake yet... but I got my shopping done, even went to the art supply store... I like putting their brushes back in order (yes, OCD). Leaving the grocery store a bunch of teenage boys were blocking the exit, and my heart immediately started racing. The fear of being attacked again just set in... I guess I'll always have that fear maybe... On my way home I was chatting with my boyfriend over the phone, I didn't tell him about the boys... but I needed help to calm down. And I realized we have been together for exactly 18 months now, today... we joked a bit about that... I am happy to have him... but in a way this date has me thinking of who I was 18 months ago... My abusive ex had completely destroyed me... I wasn't even human really... I was just his slave. He had forced me into prostitution like the way he treated me wasn't damaging enough... I was so numb back then... I wouldn't sleep for days... and I was actively trying to end my life. I actually had a plan to end it when I met my boyfriend. I am trying to focus on the positive, trying to remember our first 'meeting' in that chatroom... He made me laugh so hard... and I hadn't laughed for so long. We had this long joke roleplay about him trying to kiss my cheek, and my dog biting his behind... it was so stupid. But he's got a lame sense of humour like that, and I need that... I'm just struck with the 'what if'... what if I hadn't met him and he hadn't given me the strength to walk away from my ex... and that part of my life... would I be alive today? Would I still be with that horrible man? And maybe the fact that I mention this last says a lot about me as a person... the last 10 years most of my family has died... Last night we lost another. A very old man (I can't remember exactly how the relation goes) but he was such a lovely man the few times I visited him as a little girl. He's had Alzheimer for the last many many years... he finally found peace after having been weak for a long while now. The funeral is Saturday, and I'm not going this time either. I stopped going to funerals some years ago... I just couldn't.