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Weird happiness...

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Lately I've begun to feel like my life is good, I've already accomplished all the major things I've wanted to do at minimum, and I don't feel necessarily hopeless or suicidal anymore. Instead, I've been having this weird dreamy feeling where I just think "it doesn't matter, there's no sense in being sad or upset about ___ because one day you'll be dead." It's a really weird joy in knowing I'm mortal, and although I don't necessarily want to hurt myself I do find myself wishing it were my time.

Personally, it makes me really hope there's some really nice afterlife, but if there's not then I guess I won't be conscious to worry about it!

Anyone else ever feel this way? Like...life is good but it's just not your cup of tea?

Mr Stewart

Well-Known Member
Yes, I feel like that during my better times. I know it's not real happiness but it is something approaching contentment, and for that I am grateful when it comes.
Thanks for the response, Tyler. It's good to know I'm not alone, because I've been starting to feel crazy for thinking it. I recently half-joked to a friend about something that I sort of believe (it's sort of a personal/spiritual thing, otherwise I'd share) and then I chickened out and said "no, just kidding," and she said "good, because that would technically be delusional." She would know, too, in her line of work. So I've been feeling like I'm losing my grip on reality. This sense that I might have been "born to die," in a way, has felt a little delusional on my part. I know, she can't diagnose me on the spot as delusional and it was probably just an offhand exaggeration, but it still freaked me out. My mom is pretty batshit crazy, so I fear my genetics.

Anyway... do you think people like us will ever experience "real" happiness, at least in some subjective way? Or do you tend to feel that we're incapable? I guess that's kind of a nature vs. nurture question, but I'm sure we all have a little of both brain chemistry and experience issues.

Mr Stewart

Well-Known Member
There was a time when I was happy. Genuinely happy. That was a very long time ago but, well, what once was could perhaps be again. I don't think my brain is broken beyond repair.

I know how you feel about worrying over genetic predispositions to mental illness. My dad... well, it's a long story. Suffice to say there is a family history for me too and I can sympathize.


Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
I can relate.. My mom is in LahLah Land all the time.. You talk to her and she just stares at you for a few minutes and then realises you said something..Then I have a neice who is as crazy as me..I feel sorry for her because she has four young ones that demand her attentiuon all the time..She doesn't have time to see her therapist since the new baby came along..She doesn't talk to me about her feelings.. I guess she knows I am the crazy uncle and doesn't want to compare her problems with mine..I'm rambling..I don't know if what I wrote has anything to do with what you were talking about.. So I will Shut up now..
That's exactly how I've been feeling since my attempt on Monday...
Like...life is good but it's just not your cup of tea?

I'm not attempting again because I don't want a repeat of the hell that I went through to survive it, but I'm still not amazingly happy about the fact I'm alive. But, since I'm too scared to try anything again, then I guess alive is how I'll have to stay, for now at least.

I've felt guilty for feeling like that this week... partly because my friends are doing so much to try and help and support me, which is really awesome of them, and I feel like feeling the above is really rude and ungrateful. I have had moments this week where I've laughed or whatever, but mostly... I just feel really, BLAH. Kind of... flat line.
I don't know if what I wrote has anything to do with what you were talking about..
It definitely did. I think one of the hardest things is that nobody talks about the mental issues that are there in our families and everyone just judges one or two people, failing to realize everyone plays a part and some people have stranger symptoms than others.
I feel like feeling the above is really rude and ungrateful.
I feel exactly the same way. My friends have been so good to me and by all rights I have fewer problems than they do, but I continue to feel like life just isn't my thing and worry that they'll call me ungrateful for all that I have.
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