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Weird things are happening to me, and I don't know what it is.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Clockwork Reality, Jun 1, 2008.

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  1. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    Just for note: I'm a twenty-five year old male. I have a history of depression and suicidal ideation, which has presisted for at least four years. There is a history of mental disorders in my family, with my grandmother and mother both suffering from anxiety disorders, my father being bipolar, and a few members of my family who are autistic or psychotic.

    Recently, for the past year and a half, I have been having strange experiences. When I sleep, I dream of the world ending. Last night was the stangest of them. I was completely alone in the world, existing in a painfully bright room by myself. During the day, I would put on a biohazard suit and search for water in a barren, grey wasteland with heavy clouds that blocked out the sky. I would have to return to my room when night fell, otherwise I would be crushed by the blackness that night brought. But even sleep could not bring me comfort, as there was no way to extinguish the white light in my chamber.

    But my problems do not rest purely with my sleep. I have been having periods in which I feel that I assume a different guise; that a madman has entered my body. During these periods, I am prone to breaking things, to screaming obscenities, and boughts of self-harm. I punch walls, I throw things, I shatter glasses. I have a hard time remembering these periods after I calm down.

    I also have distinct impressions that people are listening to me in my apartment, that people are plotting to kill me, or that a demon has entered my head and is directing my actions. I occasionally hear voices calling my name, or see shapes moving in my perpheral vision. When this first started, they were simply shapes; but as this has progressed, more and more detail is becoming apparant. These "visitors" look human. I know that these are not rational thoughts or beliefs; and yet I have them, regardless.

    Most worrysome, I am now having perceptions that time is skipping, much like a record on a faulty record player. There are simply brief periods of time that I cannot account for.

    This is affecting my job performance. I have been counseled three times over the past month over my work-related demeanor. My boss attributes it to stress and I've been given a few days off to "calm down."

    But I am worried that I am losing my mind. I feel as if my sense of self has been stripped away, laid bare, and that another man that I cannot recognize is standing in my place.

    I accidentally referred to me as "we" the other day, which drew some strange looks. I have no idea what's happening to me. Quite frankly, I'm scarred shitless.

    Does anybody else have these, or similar delusions? Or have an advice?
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You need to see your doc asap. With the family history you have I would feel strongly to suggest that you are suffering from one or more of the same as those of your family. Please dont put that visit off. With proper counseling and medical help you can and will regain "yourself" again soon. Good luck hun.
  3. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    That's part of the problem. I absolutely hate psychologists. I don't trust them at all. How do I know that they're not trying to program me somehow? I know that sounds unreasonable, but I always viewed my psyciatric sessions as a power struggle, with me trying to hold onto my self-identity as he tried to implant somebody elses's ideas in my head. I realize that I must sound like some lunatic who lines his hats with tinfoil to keep out the CIA thoughtwaves but that's how I really feel about head docs!

    So now I'm stuck in a hard place. I know that my behavior has not been rational, and I want to change. But fear of psycologists is keeping me from taking that step. Does anybody know any alteratives? Like an e-doctor or something? I can't stand to go back to the head doctor, that's just one thing that I will never allow myself to do again.
  4. unbearable

    unbearable Well-Known Member

    Hi stupid hat,
    you really need to speak to someone sooner rather than later, It must be frightening to experience what you are going through. But without medical help things dont stand much chance of getting better. I understand its a real dilemma for you, but im sure the doctors dont have any hidden agenda and that they would like to help you. I dont know if you can, but could you try taking someone you trust with you? maybe its something worth looking into.
  5. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    I've tried to talk to my pastor about it but every single time I lose my nerve. But there's really not all that much that he can do, anyway. Pastors are bound by privacy laws so unless I threaten to hurt myself or somebody else the best he can do is pray for me. But he's also my best friend and I don't want to burden him with this, or risk losing his friendship. :sad:
  6. unbearable

    unbearable Well-Known Member

    Its great that you have someone that you trust. Im sure that he would not want you to go through this alone though and feel as if you would be a burden, with the position he is in im sure he is all about wanting to help guide people with any problems they might have. if you imagine telling him what do you think he might say? maybe he will advise you to seek medical help.
  7. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am sorry you are going through such hard times.
    I believe the world IS ending. I have been going through weird things as well that no one can explain to me.
    Feel free to PM me anytime :hug:
  8. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean, for a time I became someone different.

    I self-harmed during that time and I was happy about it, it felt so good. I didn't exist there at that time, I just wanted to hurt myself.

    I wasn't depressed per se, I was quite ecstatic but I didn't really know who I was. The person in the mirror wasn't me. I could sit there and have conversations with this other self.

    Even when I'm not actively in that state, sometimes I can still feel him and still talk to him. I try not to let him have the satisfaction as the only name I really have for him is Death.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Even though you do not feel you can trust psychologists, this can be a part of your illness. Your mind leads you to believe evryone is out to get you, in a way.Maybe you can start with a therapist. They cannot prescribe meds to help you get this under control, but they may be able to help you work through some of the thoughts that will not allow you to see someone in the position to provide what you need. It will not get better on its own. You do need to seek help immediately. Your pastor is a wonderful person to talk with, but they are not trained in handling mental illness. They can be a good support person for you. Maybe he would agree to go with you to an appointment. If you really feel you can trust him, you could trust him to tell you if he feels the psych is doing something he shouldn't. Things can change for you, but you have to be willing to let them. Take care and stay safe. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to be helped. :hug:
  10. StangerInAStrangeLand

    StangerInAStrangeLand Well-Known Member

    I've had somewhat similar experiences, I am 24 years old. I still have feelings like people are following me or watching me, but they have been reduced greatly since I found a medication that clams that part of my mind down. Before I got help I was sure people were out to kill me, and shadows wreaked havoc on my mind. I'm on a medication now that greatly reduces my bad feelings/visions and has few side effects (the best side effect is the sleep I'm able to get now). I know I suffer from psychosis now, but it's not easy to pick out when your feeling that way.

    I know you said you are not open to talking with a counselor about your feelings/visions, they might be able to help and are also bound by privacy laws (unless of course you present a danger to yourself or others). You said your pastor is someone you are close to, I doubt he would stop being your friend if you told him what was going on. He might be concerned about whats happening, but he also might be able to help you work through the symbolic aspect of what your experiencing; I doubt he would stop being your friend if he knew what was going on (it might even be a relief to him).

    In the depths of my psychosis, I was afraid of everyone and everything; it's not easy to see that there are people around who can help (your pastor, or someone trained to help). I try to avoid psychologists and psychiatrists, I'm getting my medication from my regular doctor now (since things have settled down now); it's helped me reduce the stress (and my breaks from reality that I don't remember).

    If you need to vent or want someone to listen, feel free to PM me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2008
  11. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    I got together with my pastor this weekend for a BBQ, and we were watching music videos. One of the videos had a theme of a young woman committing suicide.

    He got up and said, "we can't watch this, this is not good."

    So much for him being able to understand. There's no point in even trying to talk to him now.
  12. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    He's a pastor, what do you expect :blink: Religion and our feelings never went hand in hand hun.
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