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Weird to think that I'm desirable

Butterfly

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#1
I allegedly have low self esteem which I'm slowly learning is true. I just don't believe I deserve anything because I'm not good enough. But I've never had a shortage of admirers. I am overweight but I don't think that I am ugly. I'm not too fussed about my appearance. I'll happily go out without any makeup etc. I've never been single long and even when in a relationship I've had guys ask me out. I just find it weird that people want to be with me or date me. I just don't see what makes me so desirable to others.
 

Raven

That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger
#2
I allegedly have low self esteem which I'm slowly learning is true. I just don't believe I deserve anything because I'm not good enough. But I've never had a shortage of admirers. I am overweight but I don't think that I am ugly. I'm not too fussed about my appearance. I'll happily go out without any makeup etc. I've never been single long and even when in a relationship I've had guys ask me out. I just find it weird that people want to be with me or date me. I just don't see what makes me so desirable to others.
Hi butterfly! In fact I think it's cool if someone not fussed about their appearance, and it's more than cool that go out without any makeup. This will make you look more confident? But I think it's good *hug sorry you feel weird about it
 

extraterrestrialone

stifled yet undaunted
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#3
I allegedly have low self esteem which I'm slowly learning is true. I just don't believe I deserve anything because I'm not good enough. But I've never had a shortage of admirers. I am overweight but I don't think that I am ugly. I'm not too fussed about my appearance. I'll happily go out without any makeup etc. I've never been single long and even when in a relationship I've had guys ask me out. I just find it weird that people want to be with me or date me. I just don't see what makes me so desirable to others.
Just my opinion but no makeup looks way better on many women than when worn. No makeup allows the real to shine - as I see it.
 

JMG

Well-Known Member
#4
Hey just wanted to say I read what you wrote & am sorry you struggle with low self-esteem and feeling like you don't deserve anything and aren't good enough. I don't understand why that's the case if you've always had lots of admirers like that. I can only imagine what that is like since it's never been the case for me at all (quite the opposite, pretty sure I repulse most people or at least the opposite gender anyway but whatever could be worse I know) but I would think to have lots of admirers like that would really help a person to feel like they must be desirable or else they wouldn't have admirers like that. It's definitely what has caused me to believe that must be true (that I'm undesirable that is) ugh god ok I thought I could type this out without getting emo about it but this is not going anywhere good sorry.

I hate that I feel any envy of you for being desirable but I guess I do so sorry for that too but I am happy for you that you have it, try to enjoy it as much as you possibly can, if for no other reason than for those of us where that is the complete opposite of how it is. It is a most depressing thing to feel so undesired & I can't really imagine a much worse psychological misery I would not wish such a level of hell on even the most evil possible person.
 

Gonz

Well-Known & Loved by SF
#5
I allegedly have low self esteem which I'm slowly learning is true. I just don't believe I deserve anything because I'm not good enough. But I've never had a shortage of admirers. I am overweight but I don't think that I am ugly. I'm not too fussed about my appearance. I'll happily go out without any makeup etc. I've never been single long and even when in a relationship I've had guys ask me out. I just find it weird that people want to be with me or date me. I just don't see what makes me so desirable to others.
I gotta be honest; any time anyone has shown any interest in me, my first thought is always "What? Why? Is there something the matter with you?"

Which at least is an improvement over when I was younger and I'd just assume it was part of a cruel prank or something.
 

Bergerac

Well-Known Member
#6
I think you are probably the 'complete package', from what I've read here, over time. You seem very bubbly, pleasant, empathetic and intelligent. You are right: you are pretty, as well, from your blog pictures. Why wouldn't men like you? Some people just have an aura that attracts people and are naturally warm, and people sense this.

You've also overcome a lot, and that has given you more insight and wisdom - so you can obviously relate and come across well, to a whole range of people, in different age groups. People like strong characters, too.

I wouldn't over-analyse why and just enjoy it. It's backed-up by people's actions towards you, as you wrote above - which means it's based on proof, not just people's opinion(s). Just be proud of yourself and all you've overcome.
 

Butterfly

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#7
I think you are probably the 'complete package', from what I've read here, over time. You seem very bubbly, pleasant, empathetic and intelligent. You are right: you are pretty, as well, from your blog pictures. Why wouldn't men like you? Some people just have an aura that attracts people and are naturally warm, and people sense this.

You've also overcome a lot, and that has given you more insight and wisdom - so you can obviously relate and come across well, to a whole range of people, in different age groups. People like strong characters, too.

I wouldn't over-analyse why and just enjoy it. It's backed-up by people's actions towards you, as you wrote above - which means it's based on proof, not just people's opinion(s). Just be proud of yourself and all you've overcome.
That post is really lovely, thank you.

I just find it weird. My current bf said he waited for me. He waited for over a year since we met for me. And I'm thinking, am I really worth it? I had an admirer at work when I was still working. I just think wow, what do they see that I dont??
 

Bergerac

Well-Known Member
#8
That post is really lovely, thank you.

I just find it weird. My current bf said he waited for me. He waited for over a year since we met for me. And I'm thinking, am I really worth it? I had an admirer at work when I was still working. I just think wow, what do they see that I dont??

If we're honest, there are very few decent people around, full stop. When you meet someone lovely, with no hidden depths, you are going to try and hang onto them. And, if you have to let go for a period of time, you are going to look around (hoping to find their counterpart) but find the reality is, that is rarely successful.

Sometimes you know that instinctively at the time, sometimes it comes with experience. Depending on past relationships and age, I guess. Your current boyfriend clearly knew a good thing when he saw it, intuitively. I wouldn't let that go, either. Once that connection is made, with someone of high calibre, it can never be undone by the usual trash one meets on a daily basis. His longing clearly continued. And his wait was rewarded.

I am genuinely pleased you've found a good man, and he's extremely lucky, too. It's great he's been given the chance to be with you - for both your sakes. He sounds ideal for you, and clearly respects and appreciates you on a deep level. I think things have happened here for a reason, for you both. Very good luck.

You're just a very nice person. And in today's society, that is a great thing. As I said before, it's the whole package that endears these people on a longer-term basis. Obviously you're very unassuming with it, too.
 
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Butterfly

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#9
If we're honest, there are very few decent people around, full stop. When you meet someone lovely, with no hidden depths, you are going to try and hang onto them. And, if you have to let go for a period of time, you are going to look around (hoping to find their counterpart) but find the reality is, that is rarely successful.

Sometimes you know that instinctively at the time, sometimes it comes with experience. Depending on past relationships and age, I guess. Your current boyfriend clearly knew a good thing when he saw it, intuitively. I wouldn't let that go, either. Once that connection is made, with someone of high calibre, it can never be undone by the usual trash one meets on a daily basis. His longing clearly continued. And his wait was rewarded.

I am genuinely pleased you've found a good man, and he's extremely lucky, too. It's great he's been given the chance to be with you - for both your sakes. He sounds ideal for you, and clearly respects and appreciates you on a deep level. I think things have happened here for a reason, for you both. Very good luck.

You're just a very nice person. And in today's society, that is a great thing. As I said before, it's the whole package that endears these people on a longer-term basis. Obviously you're very unassuming with it, too.
That is really kind of you to say. Really kind. I'm told I have a lot going for me. I'm smart, attractive, funny, kind, compassionate, caring, ambitious etc. Or so I'm told lol. I just need to try and see that. I feel I've wasted my 20's due to my mental health so I don't see all the good things. But I've also been in abusive relationships. So that doesn't help.
 

Bergerac

Well-Known Member
#10
That is really kind of you to say. Really kind. I'm told I have a lot going for me. I'm smart, attractive, funny, kind, compassionate, caring, ambitious etc. Or so I'm told lol. I just need to try and see that. I feel I've wasted my 20's due to my mental health so I don't see all the good things. But I've also been in abusive relationships. So that doesn't help.

Yes, I completely understand what you're saying there. I have also done the same, throughout my twenties (I am 28). Naturally, the more mistakes you feel you've made, the less respect you have for yourself and the less trust you have in applying your judgement in making future decisions. Seems like these past relationships have therefore taken your confidence. I actually believe they sound largely responsible for this lack of self-esteem. I don't believe you originally thought this about yourself, but they have changed your thinking. We start off fine and then people chip away at your confidence, for their own ends. By that, I mean that they clearly felt insecure because they knew you were above them, so panicked, and realised the only course of action was to try and bring you down to their level, to prevent you leaving. Of course, that could never realistically happen, not fully, so they created a 'smoke-screen' through manipulating you into believing you in fact had very little to offer and I suspect that they were doing you a 'favour'. Anything but, and that was their concern. They should have praised you, and sought to learn and grow from you, and become a better person. They rarely see that though.

If you accept that statement above, you'll realise the way they treated you was something of a warped compliment. I am so glad you're out that. Awful for you.

You said people often give you positive feedback. Again, people are rarely generous and hardly ever hand out ill-deserved compliments, so it must be true. I would absorb all of these by actively observing all the little acts of kindness I performed and really internalising them. I also think one of the reasons you don't notice all your positive qualities, is because you are only demonstrating them on other people and improving their lives - very few times turning them on yourself and using them to help you, so you don't fully appreciate their effect. With the ambition, I suppose that may be perfectionism creeping in. Many intelligent people never feel they've got anywhere, but they inevitably feel there is always 'further to go'. But, every achievement is a step closer.

You are likely more intelligent than most, too, as battling and winning over mental illness seems to activate parts of the brain that others aren't privy to. I have found.

Of course it'll take a while to build your confidence back up, but with some of these suggestions, to gradually introduce, and the unconditional support of a lovely partner, I have every faith you'll get there. He is great reinforcement and has nothing to gain in a nasty sense. Just seems to really love you. I know you'll get there.
 

Auri

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#11
Hi @Butterfly . From my observation you don't have to be the most beautiful girl in the world (according to beauty standards) to have a lot of admirers if you have everything that you need in your personality, which you seem to have. Plus I've seen you, and I think you're pretty and look like a fun and kind person to hang out with, which is usually more appealing than being a top model who looks mean or distant, if you know what I mean. ;) Also, even if you have low self-esteem, perhaps you actually project some confidence and only good things. :) We're our worst critics, but people see more than that and they don't expect perfection from us like we do.
That being said, I totally relate. I usually think they deserve better, so I better let them find it. ^^

I gotta be honest; any time anyone has shown any interest in me, my first thought is always "What? Why? Is there something the matter with you?"
haha I'm laughing because I think the same. Perhaps I assume they're desperate, which is not very nice for them though.
 

Tana

Well-Known Member
#12
Hey. I know what you mean. I'm puzzled too since I'm average. At least guys seem to be into me, which is ironic since I'm gay.

But studies show repeatedly it's familiarity. In which case, the average is "great". This is only as far as looks go though, I don't know about your personality. Some have a very charming personality, others less so...It depends. Maybe you radiate something special, as well.

Either way, if you're straight (or bi/pan), should be a blessing.
 

Aurelia

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#13
I gotta be honest; any time anyone has shown any interest in me, my first thought is always "What? Why? Is there something the matter with you?"

Which at least is an improvement over when I was younger and I'd just assume it was part of a cruel prank or something.
Gonzie, you're a catch, brains and looks wise. And don't you dare say that your mental shit or money situation makes you not a catch, because it doesn't.
 

Butterfly

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#14
Thanks for the lovely comments guys. I do think my past relationships have seriously hindered my self confidence and blown my self esteem something chronic. Which is why I don't feel good enough for my new bf, even though he has waited since the first time I met him to start dating me. He said he just knew when he met me that he wanted me and was sorry that I was with such a dickhead at the time. He said everything about me was just amazing. It was ironic because it was only a couple of weeks before I got hospitalised for depression and I almost cancelled this social gathering at the last minute. I just don't feel good enough or worthy enough of such attention. Maybe I should but would that make me big headed? I feel like my life is back on track and my confidence is coming back slowly but I still have self esteem issues. I just find it weird that people are genuinely interested in me and my company.
 

Bergerac

Well-Known Member
#15
No, it wouldn't be big-headed at all, it would lighten your burden significantly and allow you just to enjoy the good luck you are now receiving. Self-confidence and arrogance are two totally different things, after all. In terms of the way you project yourself though, that is clearly spot-on, so please never change that. Just the internal dialogue needs to be a little kinder, I think. For your own comfort. It clearly doesn't prevent anyone else taking to you.

I would also focus less on making yourself believe you're worth something and just live in the moment and outside of yourself, otherwise it just wastes time. It will get there, naturally, if you do that.

As always, please take care and just relax and enjoy nurturing this new relationship and planning for the future, above all else. Don't give anymore credence to these past men.

Don't worry about things seeming 'too good to be true' either. You have gone through a lot and it's now your turn. Something won't go wrong as soon as you take a step back and rest on your laurels, so to speak, don't worry. It's more likely to go wrong if you worry.

All sounds good to me, so far. ;)


Also, sounds incredibly like fate to me, as you nearly cancelled the gathering but didn't. He would not have waited for you if he thought you weren't worth it. There would have been no point. He thinks the world of you, from what you've described. You're a blessing to each other.

Please don't think anything more of it. You're more than a match.
 
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Butterfly

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#16
@Bergerac I think what you say makes perfect sense. I do need to be kinder to myself. I think you are right in saying I just need to enjoy the moment. I have been enjoying the moments up until the UK lockdown and having to self isolate for a week as I had mild symptoms of the CV but I think were more like a cold. I had been out every single day with friends and my bf. I have been with my new bf for a month and we are having the best time. It hurts being away from him with this lockdown but we have been video calling several times a day.
 

Bergerac

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#17
That all sounds very positive then and you seem to already be making lots of progress, in terms of this commitment. Maybe with this lockdown period, it's just given you a little time to think, over-analyse and panic/wonder about things and envisage some possible worse case scenarios, that it may not continue. Often happens when you pause for a moment (forced in this case) and there's a lot of spare time, and you start to recall the past and mix it in with the present. Adding previous endings to this new adventure. It's an interruption to the lovely, positive flow of things, but they will re-start, where they left off. Glad you're keeping in frequent contact, too. Not that the connection would fizzle otherwise. This really sounds like the long haul to me. He's also not there directly to reassure, in that natural way. I understand that.
 

Butterfly

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#18
@Bergerac you are right again! Before this lockdown I had been going out every day, I never stopped! So now I have extra time on my hands I'm ruminating a little bit. Thank god for modern technology and that we can video call each other. I really hope this is the one this time!!
 

Auri

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#19
Maybe I should but would that make me big headed?
Absolutely not. You gotta know what you're worth, girl. You don't need to tell everyone how fabulous you are, but know who you are, your value and that you're a perfectly good person with beautiful qualities. You're no less than anyone else, and that's a healthy attitude to have. Also, it allows you to have healthy boundaries and not to accept toxic people into your life. *hug

Also, I'm not sure if I've ever asked you, but with a relationship that seems so fairytale'ish very fast and you communicate a lot... I hope you're being careful and know about how covert narcissists work. I'm just saying this because I'm overly worried about this and I wouldn't like for you to get hurt, but it's possible it's not the first time I tell you about it and you're all good. x) Hope I'm not too much. *facepalm Take good care of yourself anyway. ^^
 
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Bergerac

Well-Known Member
#20
Absolutely! I really hope he is, too. There is nothing worse than the continual emotional upheaval of break-ups. At the very least, I certainly think you are building a solid foundation - based on all the essentials of a relationship. This should mean you can face anything together, whatever comes your way. Far better than something based on more superficial qualities. His persistence and determination shows he's willing to fight for things, so that's already been tested.

Whatever happens, please remember that it doesn't in way way diminish your constancy. You are who you are, regardless.
 
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