Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Apr 17, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Imagine you are in John Lewis on the 3rd floor in the TV and Audio department. You have about 100 different TVs and also 100 different CD/Audio players. Each one is playing a different thing. I am managing to hear each one at the same time. Each sound is crisp and clear.

    When it is not like this the suicidal thoughts come and stay and is all I can concentrate on. Now I have so much going through that I don't have control.

    I don't know what is going off in my head but it scares me.

    I went a bit mad on the shopping over the weekend. I don't plan on taking any of it back and I plan on going to out of town Matalan tomorrow to get some tops. I am near by in the afternoon so I may as well right?

    I've got quite a busy week this week. I am actually going to a psychiatric hospital tomorrow for work/placement. I am quite worried. In my stupid paranoid head I think everyone is in on the game and by people saying can I go as my views and experience will help it's really all just a ploy to get me to the hospital.

    Yeh. I am mad!

    I am trying to rationalise it all saying that if they are going to section me then they will just turn up with the police, restrain me and drag me there. Why would they go to all that effort? But. I can't help but still think these things and worry about them. So what can I do?

    It gets harder and harder to rationalise with myself. I know I need to. I know I need to keep talking to myself to tell myself that is not how it works. I need to tell myself that I am not being followed, there are not hidden cameras in my house/car/room. The whole idea of it is preposterous. I mean I have worked in psych hospitals. I know they can't do that. But why the hell am I so paranoid about it? Why when I rationalise or try to there is still seeds of doubt that is going on. Also. If I am so paranoid...why is my blog a safe place where I can say what I want? A blog I have given electronic extracts to Sam of (and if you copy and paste it it comes up with the blog in it's full detail....yeh I didn't think that one out), a blog about 6 people other than me reads. Why can I still do that. Surly this would say a lot more than following me around. Yet why am I not paranoid about this? I am weird!
  2. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Judging from this, your symptoms are atypical for a mood disorder. You have thoughts of suicide when you're not totally distracted, you suggested. That's unusual by itself for a manic-depression diagnosis. I'm sure you see perfectly well that your spending is extravagant.

    Sounds to me like racing thoughts, thoughts that rush through your head at such a speed that it's difficult keeping up with them. I would guess the amount and rapidity of your speech is increased. You're likely familiar with all of this.

    If you don't mind, I'd like to cut to the chase and pay less attention to the symptoms of paranoia you describe and more attention to the fact that what you describe is essentially the beginnings of mania. You seem to know that. And you're also having progressively more trouble hiding it.

    If what you're experiencing is hypomania turned to mania (you were definitely hypomanic before), then caution is definitely in order. Find someone you can trust and give them your credit cards. You have the insight to know you're spending much more than usual, and it could rapidly get out of control. You're in dire need of the right medication to control this to bring you back to normal before you seriously hurt yourself. Antipsychotics are quick to sedate, but they are rather uncomfortable. Are you still taking Seroquel? If it's not helping, you probably need more of it; your dosage was very low, essentially an introductory dosage. Lithium is also a first-line treatment of choice.

    Whatever you choose to do, good luck. I hope this passes quickly for you.
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I kinda like the way I am feeling at the moment. Why would I want to change that and end up so low again I can't do anything.

    No one seems to have noticed how I am at the moment as I am managing to hide the spending and also I can make sure it looks as though I am paying attention to what's going on if I'm not.

    I don't have an appointment with Dr T until 9th May now as he is on holiday so nothing I can do there.
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    So. My thoughts still racing. But now my mood has dipped. Fucking brilliant!
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