Welcome back, ready to stop?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sofie, May 11, 2016.

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  1. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    Here I am again....setting a plan in action and hoping that I can follow through. The cycle of depression, anxiety, suicide ideation, depression, anxiety, suicide ideation is unrelenting. The thing that sucks the MOST out of being ready to move forward with a plan is the immediate isolation that it creates. Suddenly, I cannot tell people something that will constantly be in my head until the end. I am focusing on enjoying this time when I am spending time with loved ones and trying to not let it cloud my enjoyment of the moment. I want my husband in particular to really enjoy the next few weeks and to have that memory. But I am stuck with this sadness and some fear that I have no one to talk to about it. I wish there were a different system set up. One were people could sign an agreement where the other party is NOT liable at all and that would allow you to talk through some of this stuff. It is just a low blow to deal to people already in a tough time.
     
  2. Bee

    Bee Active Member

    I am in the same boat, but I also have a son. I am still trying to fight the urge. We need to find the will to live. Try talking to him about how u feel. I bend to talk to my boyfriend tonight. The first step is asking for help. Your life is important no matter how much it doesn't seem like it now it is. I need to take my own advice on remembering this . but if you need to talk this Is a great site with people who understand I just found it last night and it has already some what helped.
     
  3. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    I cannot tell my husband, I cannot tell anyone because they will just stop me from doing it NOW and then I have to start this cycle again. I am actually very at peace with it this time just some sadness, grief I suppose is the correct term. In many ways it is like accepting that I have a terminal illness, so there is sadness but also a knowledge that I will not be sad much longer.
     
  4. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    Bee, I hope you focus on your son in times like this -- he needs you so much. I have such a huge respect for parents because you have this piece of you running around outside your body all the time and you spend your life protecting it as best you can. That is hugely important for him.
     
  5. Bee

    Bee Active Member

    It would be easier to focus on him if he were with me more... His father is trying to take him away from me, I am doing everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen but on days like today when I have no idea when the next time I'll see him it makes it hard... But I'm going to force myself to make it through itll get better... It has to
     
  6. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    The people closest to you will remember pain, guilt, and be left with questions that tear their hearts apart.

    You need to find compassion for yourself. Say as many times as you need "I love you Sophie". Don't stop even when the tears come.

    Telling someone can lift this terrible burden you are carrying. It may allow you the time you need to find a much better alternative to live with your suffering and eventually to achieve healing.
     
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  7. Bee

    Bee Active Member

    I told my boyfriend and even though it didn't fix it it made me feel not alone and wanted even if he is the only one that's one person that would have to suffer after I'm gone because of my decision. Your decision could impact someone so much that they choose to do the same thing
     
  8. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    Up and down and up and down.....I am on a roller coaster with no end. I will have a couple days where I can keep the desire for suicide at bay and then it comes roaring back as though it were never gone. Surely life is not meant to be like this.....life should not be easy or fun but at least be tolerable.

    I asked my family doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist....problem is the only psychiatrists in my town are in the practice my mom works and she has snooped in my main medical records so I know she would snoop in records for a visit to a psychiatrist if I went there. So, they are trying to figure out what to 'do' with me....lol....my options are very limited and it has been a week since I asked for the referral so my hopes are getting less that a referral will be possible.

    Slowly, but surely, options are being eliminated left and right. In many ways it makes things easier but also scarier. And being alone with it all makes me want to end it sooner than later.
     
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