Well Fuck

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Anthony, Jan 12, 2011.

  1. Anthony

    Anthony Active Member

    It's been a while since I've been on this forum. I've tried to dedicate all my time to trying to improve my life. So far it's just gotten worse. I can honestly say, I have the exact same thing now as I did when I was 12, right down to the same twin size bed. The only thing that has really changed is the fact that I actually feel worse every day.

    I just recently got lead on, lied to, and fucked over by my "best friend." I'm used to girls doing that to me though, doesn't fix the way I feel, but at least it's not a new experience.

    I can't find a job, which doesn't really matter, because I just can't handle the stress of one anymore, it breaks me down even faster.

    I can't get along with my family. They don't understand anything I try to say. I tell them what's bothering me, and they just wait for me to finish and then tell me to tell them what's bothering me. It's like I've slipped into a big fucking game with them.

    I don't have any friends left. I have people that like to come around, but only if they need something from me.

    I've tried now to kill myself 3 times in the past 2 days. And the fact that I'm even a failure at that, might possibly be the worst feeling.

    So far I've gone as far as to try to sell my soul to the devil for just one thing in my life to not fuck up. Then I realized it's a lost cause there due to the existence of such a being that would give me that sort of divine intervention, is a little too far fetched for me.

    I don't know what to do anymore, and thinking about what to do doesn't get me anywhere. I've lost all the care I had left for anyone, and anything at this point. Everyone I've ever known has hurt me in the worst ways they could possibly hurt me, and I wish like hell I was exaggerating.

    I'm angry, sad, depressed, I wanna kill myself, confused, lonely, numb, shut down, jumbled, and just fucking sick of it all at one time.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dam i am sorry life has kicked you down so much I do hope you go into hospital and get some help okay reach out and get some support YOU deserve okay. With helpl you can get rid of some of that internal pain. Each hour each day one doesn not know what door will open i hope a more positve one opens for you real soon hugs
  3. Anthony

    Anthony Active Member

    I've gone to the hospital for it, and I've also tried to get help from the local mental health organization. The hospital says I'm just crazy, and the other place just wants as much money as they can get so I can talk to a stranger about my problems. I've gone down the therapy road before, and it actually made everything worse by drudging up old memories I had finally repressed to the point they didn't bother me.

    That's why I ended up here, the same reason I came in the first place. It really seems to be the only place where people actually understand the feelings, and don't just write me off as needing to be locked away.