Well Here Goes

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by imscared, Nov 29, 2015.

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  1. imscared

    imscared New Member

    I guess I’m actually trying this out, well I guess I should start from the beginning: I am 14 and I started feeling suicidal at age 11 at first it wasn’t very serious, more of a promise I made to myself that if it ever got so bad that I couldn’t bear the pain anymore that I would kill myself but as I got older it became less of a promise and more of an ongoing plan. In 7th grade it got pretty serious, I stopped eating and decided that I would starve myself to death, this worked for a week until my friends found out and made me stop but this helped me continue for a while but soon after these feelings that I had of killing myself came back I considered jumping off a building, drowning myself almost every possibility under the sun I was in so much pain that I decided that I should either try again or make some changes to my life at the time my grandpa had alzheimer's and was slowly disappearing before my eyes I promised myself that I wouldn’t kill myself until he was gone and for a while that worked. But then in 8th grade he did die, his death affected everyone in my family people sent flowers to my house and made us cookies my teachers told me that if I ever needed to talk to someone about it that they were there everyone expected me to be falling to pieces but I wasn’t I didn’t feel sad or angry even I didn’t feel anything it was as if my great reason for staying alive had suddenly disappeared and now I had nothing keeping me here I didn’t cry, not at the funeral and not while they were burring him I remember thinking while thats it theres nothing holding me here anymore but then I remember looking at my family at my mother as the tears streamed down her face at my sister as she stood there shaking trying to be strong for the sake of everyone else and I realized that they were the reason I couldn’t leave they were the ones keeping me here. my family and I have never been too close most of the time I spent in middle school was locked away in my room marathon watching television anything to keep the dark thoughts from coming for the rest of 8th grade I was fine now Im in 9th grade my relationship with my family is better, and I’m not constantly in my bedroom the dark thoughts still come but now I have new friends I’m on medication although not for depression and I still find myself wanting to kill myself I looked it up and it would take 18 of my pills to kill me 20 just to be safe I find myself almost hypnotized with the idea of death there are days even now where I take out the pill I would need write a note to my family and friends and try desperately to conjure up the courage to kill myself I know every fact out there and I know the odds I don’t really want to kill myself but Im scared I will if pushed to that point I don’t know what to do

    If anyone has any ideas please let me know
     
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  2. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi imscared, Thank you for your message and I’m sorry this post was not sooner. It sounds like your Grandfather meant so much to you and that you have experienced incredible hardship in your life.

    I can understand why you would be emotionless at your Grandfather’s funeral because that’s what trauma can do and I suspect this is what may be happening. I really hope you don’t go through with any plans though because I want you to live and I want you to be happy.

    Have you thought about speaking with a health professional, teacher or family member about this? Also, there must be something which has kept you going so there is hope within you. What is this hope? I mean why have you been planning for so long but putting it off. There must be a reason and whatever it is, I would keep holding onto it.

    I hope you’re feeling better and please take comfort that even though you’re terrified, there are people who care and want to help you. Just don’t be afraid to ask for the help because that’s what such people like health professionals, teachers and family members are there to do. Please take care of yourself and I hope today is a good day for you. Husky
     
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