Well, here goes.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Accord, Nov 4, 2009.

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  1. Accord

    Accord New Member

    I'm a 19-year-old from Sweden and I have fallen into a deep depression. Yet again. I've been contemplating suicide since I was 8, mainly because my family was abusive, but I'll get to that later. For almost 12 years, I've been asking myself if I should suicide, and how. Since I'm ridiculously afraid of self-inflicted pain (I can't even stick a needle in my own skin) I've ended up with very little options <mod edit: helena>methods
    I could explain my life in detail, but it's packed with one agonizing event after another, I'm sure people would think I'm exaggerating. I'll just do a fast recap. In elementary school, I was bullied by just about every other guy in my class, going from the casual name-calling to even physical assault. After trying to resort it in a peaceful manner by telling teachers and my parents; which, at best, made one of the bullies go up to me and apologize, I effectively went physical back at them. Of course, I didn't do this offensively, I only attacked when an attack was upon me and I never caused any bleeding wounds, quite contrary to what my adversaries did as I remember distinctively coming from school with gravel wounds on my face, crying my eyes out, on my birthday nonetheless. The teacher proceeded to call the police. On me. Then my own mother jumped on the bandwagon, called me a liar and completely turned her back on me. She regret it later, but I'll never forgive her for it.

    Skip ahead until 6th grade, where I switched school. I finally made some real, non-abusive friends (Didn't mention that before) and got my thinking straight. Then about half of my family died along with most of my pets which I had had for most of my life. I got extremely depressed, barely ate and my grades dropped completely. I fell in love with a high-grade girl in the last semester of the 8th grade, whereafter I worked extremely hard and finished school with an average of what would be B+. Unfortunently, I didn't know jack-all about making a girl fall in love with me, so I ended up being branded as a stalker in my school (Was nothing outside of school, may I add). So I gave up on that.

    I then entered upper middle-school in a natural science programme. As much of an idiot I am, I chose a programme with the least amount of courses I found enjoyable, why? Because I wanted to be flexible. After the first math test, I was deemed to be 'a bit slower than most students' which basically translates into 'sucks at learning'. I forgot to mention that I was in a similar group in elementary school and past that. Yes, always a tad worse than everyone else. I had a series of stressful breakdowns past elementary, but those are insignificant in relation. After upper middle-school, I got a job programming cash registers and that's where I am today. I'll probably study more after a year of working, but right now, I'm too tired of school.

    As far as girlfriends go, well, I had two back when I was too young to realize what love was, then one when I did. Only problem was that she lived in the UK, I had never seen her and she was a total hussie. Also, I met her through World of Warcraft. Pathetic and desperate? Yes, but it was the best love I've ever had. This also means that I've never been intimate and I've barely even kissed a girl, not out of love anyway.

    The presence of video games in my life was big. Very big. I used to escape into them to avoid reality when things got too rough, wasn't good at all in the long run but I didn't know any better back then. I can't blame my mistakes on video games though, I know they made me feel better and saved me multiple times from insanity.

    What is going on now? Just about every friend I have is in a stabile long-term relationship. Then there's me, who hasn't had a relationship in his entire life, serious or not. Lately, my friend revealed that he's planning to get engaged with his girlfriend soon. They've even planned for children and the whole thing. Now I've fallen under the pressure to the point where I can't feel happy for them, only pure bitterness. I was bitter before, but now it's everything I feel when I picture them in my head. Yes, I'm rediculously jealous. The worst part is that I used to see him as a total sucker for women, always offering to pay even what would be hundreds of dollars just to try to please them in some way, then this girl drops in, literally. They end up in the same class together, find out they share a common interest and they're together after meeting but a few times. It's like he won the lottery without even buying a ticket.

    You may have guessed it by now, but I'm socially inept. Drastically so. I've always been neglected, always. I've never had a best friend (My friend's girlfriend said once that I was her 'best male non-boyfriend friend', but she took it back and refuses to tell me why). I don't recognize the social mistakes I do, I never know what I do wrong, but it still gets me in trouble. I've always been a bit behind, but the ineptness is what's killing me. All my friends make me feel distanced, like they're dealing with a freak. I've also told them how I've felt, contemplating suicide and so on. They say the usual "Don't do that" and all that, but they don't seem to think about helping with the source of my suicidal state of mind, they only seem to want to prevent me from killing myself, simply prolonging my perpetual torment. I don't want to be socially inept, I want to be and have a best friend, I want to be able to approach people, I want to be loved for once. I'd ask if it'd be too much, but I don't want to hear the answer.

    So what am I looking for on these forums? I want to break that barrier of social incompetence and nothing else. I want to be a normal person and be able to talk like one. I don't want to hear 'you have so much to live for' or 'your friends will be hurt' and I especially don't want to hear 'suicide is selfish' because I know you think it is. In my opinion, it's just as selfish to tell someone not to commit suicide, nobody else can judge a persons pain. "You suffer internally, I do not, please don't kill yourself", how ridiclous doesn't that sound? Don't worry about those close to me, believe me, they'll do just fine.

    Anything will be appreciated.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2009
  2. KirstyMissJimBob

    KirstyMissJimBob Well-Known Member

    *hugs* im always here if u need to talk. my msn is in my sig below u can add me to that anytime
     
  3. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    :hug:
     
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