Well I definitely want to do it

I'm torn between asking people not to tell me not to and alienating anyone that might otherwise have replied. I'd like replies, just so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself, I have livejournal for that.

I live in one town where I'm supposed to be being a mature student but I don't feel too comfortable in my own house for various reasons. While I'm waiting for doctors and diagnosises and treatments and to find out if I'm even going back to uni this year every day feels like a week and my housemate is so normal I feel guilty for putting this in front of him. We will never be close, he will never get over my overdose several weeks ago, the irony is it was suicide it was a badly mistaken attempt to self medicate but I was in a massively distracted obsessive or manic state that made me make a lot of mistakes. So he seems kind of scared of me as he doesn't know what mood I'll be in at any given time. He met me at the worst time, I used to be able to predict my moods, they had a pattern but all of that has blown out of the window so even I don't know. But it's weird that he thinks the abnormal things like sleeping a lot are the norm and was surprised to find me awake at 2am. I've been an insomniac all my life, it was the meds I was on at the time making me sleep so much.

So I've done what I do often and run away for a bit to my Mum's place, I feel safer here. Unfortunately, the first two nights I couldn't sleep and had suicide notes going round and round in my head. I got hold of some grey area anti anxiety med that helped me in the past but it isn't helping this time. It tends to give me the motivation I need to do the tasks I can't do but the task at the top of my list is killing myself so I'm scared of that so I've stayed in bed all day where it's safe, away from all the knives and pills and things. It did allow me to put my suicide note to paper which I've never done before. Apparently this is creepy but if it's on paper it won't be rattling around in my head anymore. I also texted a couple of people a bad relationship theory so that won't be rattling around in my head anymore so I think those are positive things.

I still don't want to leave my bed though because the urge to hurt myself badly is too strong and there's too many dangerous things especially in the kitchen.

 

I don't want to say the wrong thing, and I hate giving advice these days, but if you ever need someone to just talk to and talk back, I'm here.. Going to college myself, don't leave for another week though.. Feel free to PM me if you choose.. Hope you stick around.

 

If staying in bed is giving you comfort at this time, then stay in bed.

I wish I knew the words to give you comfort. Just time passing does change how we feel. Are you able to focus on school work? Is there any topic that you feel passion when you read? Are there types of shows you watch that give you relief from the pain?

You are young and with age thoughts and feelings do change.

Does your mother know what you are feeling? Does she know it all?

 

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

If you need a helping hand, a listening ear, or just a friend, please, by any and all means, drop me a private message.

<3