Well I did it again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ed., Feb 4, 2008.

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  1. Ed.

    Ed. Well-Known Member

    I don't know if this is the right place to post this.

    Well yeah I did it again, I don't know why, I just felt like shit, or did I? I don't know, part of me enjoyed it, is that sick? I now have some rather bad scars on the top of my arm, to add to the collection it seems, although this time they're from burns, I just don't know why I did it though, I remember feeling hate towards myself, but it went, I remember almost enjoying it, I really wasn't myself that night, havent been since, I think I've lost it, I'm losing my mind in this place, I often feel the need to relieve the pressure in my head, probably pressure from society, I feel the need to put a bullet in there, guns are so controlled in this country, a good thing i guess. Am i sick? Is there something wrong with me? I just don't know what to do sometimes, i stare in the mirror and just wonder, "what the hell has happened to you?"
  2. kitai16

    kitai16 Well-Known Member

    I've had thoughts of cutting myself kinda recently... they started after I came out of hospital... I feel like I deserve the pain... I'm sure I can cut myself like, maybe the tops of my legs coz then no one will see coz I always wear jeans.

    I'm being punished... and I don't know why... but I must've done something real bad for me to be tortoured like this through-out my life... and I know it's my fault my boyfriend left me... I hurt so much... and it's all my fault... I want to cut... I want to hurt myself because I deserve it...

    Part of the reason I overdosed on pills was because I knew it would hurt so bad... I deserved that pain...

    I know what you mean about the mirror thing... everytime I see myself in a mirror now... I hardly reconise myself... I'm losing myself... I really am...
  3. Ed.

    Ed. Well-Known Member

    Yeah, ive punished myself before, was different this time though.
    Now that you've mentioned it, I dont reconise myself either, I couldn't really understand or explain it before, it's almost a physical difference, my face looks so tired, so exhausted, but it's still that cheeky babyface from 8 years ago, just looks like he's had a really shit time, and seems vacant, numb, and dangerous...
  4. Cutting yourself is a way of confirming that you exist, you cut yourself to feel 'real', as with the mirror thing, its a way of you trying to fit what you see to what you feel...if what you see is not what you want to see, then you are succeeding in your task of matching the outer with the inner...

  5. Ed.

    Ed. Well-Known Member

    Kinda confused about the last bit, outer inner...
    I dont feel myself when it happens...
  6. sorry to confuse you...Cutting yourself is an extreme way of confirming that you are real,(you probably at the moment feel un-real) obviously at the time your not saying to yourself that this is confirming me, its kind of a subconcious event, the mild form of this is a bit like when you see someone in the street touch things as they go along, they may touch a lampost as they pass it, scrape the hand along a wall, or glance at there reflexion in a shop window, may even mutter to themselves. All done in the subconcious. meaning that you are aware of what your doing but not totally aware of the reason, concious meaning you are totally aware of what your doing and what your doing it for, unconcious meaning doing something but totally un-aware of a reason anyway...the mirror thing is a little more complicated, its a third person kind of thing, you know its your reflextion, but what is reflexted isn't how you have imagined or constructed your original image...something has changed, something is different, there is another dimension to what you see, something has been added...its as if your viewing yourself threw a third eye, which is all critical, nothing passes its scrutiny, and the outcome of all the mind games you have with it is always negative.

    PM me if you wish, be it positive or negative.
  7. New-Hope

    New-Hope Well-Known Member


    Ed, you're not sick. I can understand the way you're feeling.

    I cut for the first time the other day... and I've done it every day since.
    My wrists are vile... I've had to wear long sleeved shirts ever since to cover them up.
    BUT my mum's seen them and she's hidden every freaking sharp object in the house :dry:

    I do that at least once per day...
  8. Ed.

    Ed. Well-Known Member

    thanks :)
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