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Well, I Made It

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Godsdrummer, Jul 31, 2012.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I didnt think I would be here today. Not that I have been suicidal lately because I havent.

    But looking back on these past 4 years I am amazed and yet saddened at all that has transpired.

    Today I turn 46 years old. I wonder, when I turn 50, if this forum will still be here, or if I will come here to post how I made it thru another 4 years.

    So far 2012 has been rough for me, healthwise. I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and hypertension. At one point I really thought that the high blood pressure thing was gonna take me out.

    I have been finding myself thinking of the past lately.

    I know my life in a lot of ways is better today than it was then, but in some aspects it's worse. And I find myself seriously wondering where me and my family will end up by this time next year.

    Anyway...so it's my birthday...no one seems to notice..oh I do get those happy birthday comments on FB from friends that would otherwise not post on my page. So that's something.
  2. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Happy Birthday Bill!! I am glad you have made it, i hope you have a great day.:birthday:
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Yes, you have made it - so Happy Birthday! :party:
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really glad you've made it. Happy Birthday!
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Happy birthday to you. I am sorry about your health and worries, and the feeling that nobody notices. But it is good that you aren't feeling suicidal... life can be bittersweet at times. I wasn't sure if you intended this to be a positive post or a negative one - perhaps a bit of both. All I can really offer is congratulations on your successes and condolences for those things that continue to bother you.
  6. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    Happy birthday, Bill. I'm new to the forum, but I'm glad you're still here too. I hope you can have a fantastic day.
  7. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Everything you have said, I think about whether or not I will still be in that place when I reach your age too. It's so emotionally traumatizing to wonder about the future, and think that it will be like our past; especially when we have a very solid past to back up the idea that the future doesn't look so damn fantastic either.

    Part of my fear that drives me to feel suicidal, which sounds like yours as well, is thinking that my future will be like this. Imaging another 5 years of this, another 10 years, gosh, imagining the "what if" I were still in this place (or much worse), even 20 years from now. Does it mean it's just all suffering and impossible expectations and dreams for endless years?

    I get that anxiety, and the anger, one can feel thinking that they have to put up with this crap longer than they already have. I get the very strong feeling one may have to really want to get out, but nothing they try never really quite does the trick.

    Having a family around too, is absolutely pressuring, because they depend on you. It's crippling at best.

    Sometimes I feel like just trying to find a way to run away. Sometimes that idea appears as just leaving my city, or even country... the idea of relocating pops into my head to get away from it all. I wonder if you have a place that you often think of, that in your head, feels and seems as though it could be your escape. I wonder if you can go there, when you need....

    I don't mean death, by the way, I mean just a place that maybe you imagine where things would be better. A place created by you, for you... where it seems to all work out. At any rate, I have found that also thinking about what you want, in a different way... a sort of "this is not how I wanted it to be way", can at least train you to stop problems in their track, so that it doesn't at least get any worse. It also communicates to your family, that you were not trying to fail or hurt them, or be someone who disappoints them etc...

    Maybe that could help you in this next year.... sort of maybe confronting where you really want to be and finding that haven. I probably could have explained it better.

    For me, that sort of haven comes from the comfort another person offers, if that helps. Sometimes the comfort comes from thinking that I can leave, or can get away, physically, and just go to some other country.
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