Well I screwed up - No food, no money. Depressed.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cie, Apr 8, 2012.

  1. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Had a really really bad time this week... I know I should tell my psychiatrist about what's been going on and give medication another go (at least another family of antipsychotics) but... if she turned up during a crisis I would be able to tell her, of course that wont ever happen, instead I go to planned appointments and by the time those come I just can't talk about it anymore. There's no power in the universe that could make me.

    And I'm in a real bad way at the moment, I don't have much if any food in the house, and I have about a dollar in my bank account because due to the severe depression I've suffered this week I've been binge eating to make myself feel better, and if I ask for a food grant they'll view it as if I just wasted my money on fast food. And I did, but for legitimate reasons that people who aren't health professionals wont understand.

    And of course I can't go to food banks or anything because all of them require reasons; my reason is that I got so depressed that I wanted to kill myself and used fast food to distract and comfort myself. I can't tell anyone that. I'm not even in the right frame of mind to be able to think up an adequate lie - I would generally feel bad, but I think it's fair in this case because any reason I give them would have less requirement for food and it protects me.

    But yeah. I get paid in five days and haven't eaten today.

    Can anyone think of a solution?

  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, cie. Sorry to hear you're in a tough spot. That's not easy. :hug:

    You will need food before you are paid in five days. I'm assuming that there's no family or close friends who might help. So, maybe it's time to try for a small grant or to go to a food bank; and, maybe tell them truth - that due to your depression, you have no money and no food right now. They might not ask for a lot of details. Another idea is to go to a shelter that offers meals. Or if you belong to a religious group or church/synagogue/temple, perhaps you could talk to the priest/rabbi to see if they could tide you over with a little food or money to buy staples...?

    Then, when it is appointment time with your doc, I hope you try to talk with her about how you're really doing. I know it can be really hard to talk - especially if the rough moment has passed. Perhaps you could write out how hard things are and how close to crisis you keep feeling, and show what you've written to the doc. It will open the conversation, and you don't have to be "in crisis" when you to her. She will be able to help you more if she knows what is really going on with you.

    I hope things work out OK for you. Let us know how you are doing. Be safe, cie.
  3. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Hi Acy,

    Thanks for responding - I live alone in this city, I don't know anyone but my two flatmates, been here a month or maybe two, obviously can't tell them about it. My Dad would help but I have trouble asking people I know for anything, especially money, regardless he's in Australia and it would take too long for the money to arrive in my account and then clear. Rest of my family have no money they can spare and if they did it would be a really big inconvenience to them.

    I think I might have to call my therapist, get her to call me back on my cell phone (landline isn't private and cell phone has no credit), and tell her and she'll be able to organize food from a food bank without them being invasive... But it's just so emotionally taxing. I almost think not eating is easier?

    I'm not sure what you mean by 'staples' sorry :/ - Is that some kind of food?

    I have no religion and have been negatively affected by it's existence time and time again in my life, I feel heavily pressured and out of place even talking to religious people when it comes to anything more than casual conversation, it's worse than I'm making it sound I just really don't know how to explain it. Religion makes me angry and I hate being angry and hateful like that, but it really just wakens something bad in me.

    I've tried writing out things before, but it's no easier than just talking about it because at least then you can ease into it instead of waiting for them to read it while the dread builds up in your stomach; I mean, I know nothing bad will come of it, but being the way I am - I expect the worst. Even then, if I had the things I wrote down with me, I'd just never show it. It's almost like non-crisis me is out to destroy crisis me. Did that make sense?

    Well.. I suppose I'll figure something out :(
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, cie. Sounds so tough for you right now. I feel for you. :hug: Yes, calling your therapist to arrange things is a good idea...even if it's emotionally draining. It's better for you physically and emotionally to take care of yourself than to neglect yourself.

    "Staples" are milk, tea/coffee, sugar, flour, butter/oil, eggs, peanut butter, pasta and pasta sauce. (Seems my age might be showing if I'm using outdated terms. :eek:ld:)

    Only threw out the religion idea in case it was part of your life. Many people do not especially like organized religion, church, etc. so I understand your feelings.

    Yes, I know what you mean about non-crisis being bad in some ways. Once the crisis is over, why bother talking about it?...Except that something throws us off course again, and we end up mucked up again. If it's not easy writing about things, how about if you show your therapist this thread - or a copy and paste of your posts into a Word document that you print to show her? Or if you have her email addy, you might email it to her. Once you have opened the topic with her, it will probably be easier to start talking. :smile:

    Please do care of yourself. When there is no one else around to help us, the least we can do is be as good to ourselves as we would be to other friends. Be kind and gentle with yourself, cie. Be safe. I'm thinking of you and sending good wishes your way. Let us know how things are going.
  5. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Okay well I tried but I can't even call. If they aren't available during crisis which only seems to be at night I wont be able to tell anyone. It's not just hard, it's literally impossible - something in me just wont let me share my problems. And that's pretty much all there is to it, so I don't eat this week and I don't get treatment. There is no way around this :/

    I am really really really sick of this.
  6. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Idk.. you need food.. That's for sure. If you can contact your dad, he can pay for your food via online. Like either from a grocery that delivers or from a fast food place that places orders online.
    Or try to get a few dollars together and get some cheap noodles/rice and veg. There are food drives, and if you explain something to them, they shouldnt knock you. Also if you're feeling off you can visit a hospital, and when they're doing the check up bring it up. Im sure theyll be willing to spare you a meal tray. But yeah.. acys got some good points too. Churches will help.. but that's veering into a place that may be off if youre not religious.
    Even a call to yor therapist.. who might know of a route to help you for the next 5 days.
    But yeah.. if you can boil water and have tea bags, have some tea occasionally. It'll help in some regard. Keep your head up. If you don't get food,... dont be too active. But if it really gets to that point I would suggest addressing the fact that you are justified in going to food drives and the hospital.
  7. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Hi Sblake, thanks for your response.

    The problem is telling anyone... I just can't! Something in my head is working against my well-being and it is really bothering me.

    I've been to hospital twice a few weeks ago due to a viral flu that's still affecting me - so I definitely wont be too active. Had the physical pain from it for a month now and it really hurts when I move. But it has improved immensely.

    Going to hospital means waiting for hours - 6+ , and just for something like this means probably 12 hours. Got no tea bags either.

    I will try to make myself walk to the Salvation Army at 10am in the morning. Is 3.15am now and I'm awake because I only slept a few hours, I thought I just fixed my insomnia too :( Probably lack of food doing this. Anyway, I'll tell the Salvation Army that I've had medical issues I don't feel comfortable sharing drain my money and it's not something I can tell social welfare workers - they treat you like dirt, even on an invalids benefit, as if you're taking money from THEIR pockets and you have to make them feel superior just to get the help you're entitled to. Also the receptionist is a pacific islander and is racist against white people.
  8. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    If you think the SA will be able to help, maybe that'd be a good idea. Atleast to get some food in you.

    Try and sleep.. you need to conserve your energy, and if you do think of something to do, you need to be awake during daylight hours :)

    I know what you mean about asking for help, atleast I have issues doing it myself. . idk you're gonna have to judge this one. But I do hope something happens tomorrow.
    But really, try to get some sleep. Dont think too much about anything, just let your body relax. or try to atleast.
    Best wishes cie
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    This seems to be quite common at welfare offices in a lot of countries. Where I live, advocacy agencies have suggested that the government officials and programs are not really meant to offer assistance, but to find ways to disqualify applicants from receiving help. The amount the provide is below the poverty line. However, if you earn a wee bit of money from anything else (or even receive a gift of a bit extra), the government doesn't allow you to have the extra money. They take the extra amount you got off your next payment - or they stop their payments altogether. :dunno:

    Salvation Army sounds like an option. As SBlake says, you need to eat and keep your energy reserves. I hope you go to the SA and get some food. Then rest, so you can be ready for your next scheduled appointment with your doc.

    Know that I'm thinking of you. :hug:
  10. cie

    cie Banned Member


    I went to the huge Salvation Army building near me. They said their food bank is in another part of town - took me 40 mins to walk there and then 40 mins to walk back - without food. They wont help me.

    He asked me if I had any special needs grant left with WINZ (our social welfare) and I said I had a bit but I can't explain to them why I need it and they wont give it to me, he insisted I was entitled to it which is a load of crap because they can deny or approve it, and they'll deny if I don't give them legitimate reasons - which I can't do. I also mentioned that same day appointment's don't happen due to overload even if it's an emergency so I still wont have food, and he just repeated himself.

    So, I walked for 80 minutes, I feel like I'd throw up if I had anything in me and I'm sweating way more than normal - about 3x as much. So much for not exerting myself -.-

    I feel really sick. And I'm skipping my therapist appointment and rescheduling because I wont be up to it tomorrow, and I just can't explain to her what I've been going through... so what's the point? She'll know I don't look well and she'll badger me and I'll feel really shit.

    Starting to feel feverish actually :/
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 9, 2012
  11. cie

    cie Banned Member

    I feel constantly like I'm about to vomit. I walked past a mirror and I've gone completely white. I went to the bathroom, and I know no one wants to hear (or say) these things but it was not solid, it was almost liquid, and it was green not brown.
  12. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Just threw up a whole lot of green liquid :(
  13. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Mate if it's something that's concerning you call for an ambulance or make your way down to the hospital. Was it bile you puked up? How long has it been since your last meal?
    You "technically" should be "ok" for 5 days without food, but that's with a decently fit body to begin with, and not going cold turkey on food all of a sudden. If you feel your body is under too much strain make your way to the doctors. But as far as your feces go, well you've not been putting in anything to give it substance. But that's the workings of dehydration, among other things. .. You really need food. I suggest a call to your dad or ask your flat mates if you can borrow 10 pounds till you get some money. This isn't exactly something you want to get your body used to.. I really dont know about our bodies to advise you beyond sorting out a way to get some food down you. I really think you need to ask someone for a favor, just until you can get yourself sorted again

    Sorry to hear about the SA :( keep your head up though :)
  14. cie

    cie Banned Member

    hi there, i called healthline and they said they think i have another strand of the virus that caused my viral flu, i haven't been completely starving myself, so they might be right. they said drink a lot of water, take panadol if i get feverish + shivers, and if i'm about to pass out call an ambulance
  15. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Hmm.. did you explain that you have no source of food atm? That's sorta dancing on a fine line. Hmm, well atleast that's...something. I strongly recommend you get some food or make your way to the hospital. That is very weak of them to just leave you to it. Virtually your body is fighting off starvation aswell as a virus.

    How many more days are you reckoning you have to go until you can get some food?
  16. cie

    cie Banned Member

    I have a therapist appointment for tomorrow - I will tell her I'm sick and have no food left. If I can't explain the depression and eating away my money then I'll just leave it out and hope she doesn't pick up on it - which might even be a good thing if she does :/

    She will at least know how to get food for the day.

    The day after tomorrow I have money - but I don't trust myself not to just eat it all away, anyone have any ideas? Budgeting doesn't work for me; seems money related things are my way of coping sigh.
  17. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, cie. You sure are having a rough time of things, and I'm sorry to hear it. :arms:

    Throwing up on an empty tummy is not nice. Please, even if you are out of food, drink lots of water - especially if you have a virus and might be feverish. You sure don't need to get dehydrated into the bargain. So lots of water, in little sips. If you've got ice, maybe suck on some broken cubes. And if you feel really lousy, head to the A&E/ER/hospital.

    I hope you're able to keep the appointment with your therapist. Feel better soon. Let us know what happens and how you're doing.
  18. cie

    cie Banned Member

    hi there

    i got some food, and now i've been paid so hopefully things should be ok - found a place that was willing to give me a food parcel with a recommendation from my therapist and it was outside their opening hours and food bank hours :D

    thanks both of you for your support, i really needed it :)
  19. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    cie, I'm so happy to hear that! Please keep taking good care of yourself. Drop me a line anytime, OK? :arms:
  20. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Oh that's brilliant Cie. Atleast now you have another resource incase things get hairy.

    Can I ask how you gather you food? Do you get paid in bulk? Cause if you wanted, you could create a list of essential foods that you can store in the cupboard and fridge/freezor that you can space out over that time period. Like healthy foods that if you set a system up, will last you and keep your nurished. It might help you create a foundation of for yourself that you maintain and adhere too. So if you have food cravings that go beyond that, it also puts you in the situation where you have a choice to humor them or resist them. The thing is to create your own stability that you can work off of and trust in it's own way.
    I hope things are going alot better and you're feeling alot stronger now :)