Well, I WAS feeling better, but ha ha

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kiria, Jan 10, 2015.

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  1. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    This is an email from my aunt re: the social worker crap for mom. I got the gist of the situation from my brother the day it happened, but I wasn't able to access my email before now. This is- I don't have control over anything. She always does this, always, just does crap and doesn't consult us. I mean, wtf is the crap about routine showers? She acts like mom's living in her own filth! She takes a shower every friggin' day. Sometimes twice if she has an accident. The skin issue thing? Back in September when mom was in the hospital for a week, they found a little rash on her back. That's long since been taken care of. Unless my aunt's whining about the one instance of diaper rash, which was also resolved in a timely manner. My aunt acts like my brother and I are both incompetent idiots, and today was a bad day regarding mom. I got so upset I left her in my brother's care and stormed out of the house. Wanted to walk in front of traffic, but ended up sitting on the side of the house while I debated whether to head out to the main street or not. Then all the damn stray cats showed up, literally one after the other, and meowed at me and purred and loved me silly until I calmed down. The stupid cats literally saved my life, 'cause if it wasn't for them distracting me, I think I would've gone through with it today.

    I came back inside about a half hour after that, feeling a little better. I was able to handle things for a few more hours, and now I feel like killing myself again. This stupid email sure as hell didn't help. What's the point of going on? Really, what's the point? If I knew for sure I'd be okay financially, that I had somewhere to go when my aunt gets her way, and you know she's going to, she always does, then I'd be dealing better. At least I'd have something to catch me.

    But I don't. There's nothing to catch me and no one to do it. I can't even slow my own fall, let alone catch myself.

    Also, the grant mentioned at the bottom? Yeah, that's what I was busy trying to fill out. Don't see the point now. I need a friend nearby to hang out with. Spend a night with, or a day or two. 150 mg of Lithium a day for five days isn't gonna cut it, but I can't increase the dosage any faster 'cause it makes me sick. I'm so tired and lonely and worn out and goddamn it, why can't my aunt just go away. Why can't that whole side of the family just drop dead.

    If I'm somehow still breathing when this is all over and done with, and mom's gone - that's gonna kill me, losing her, even if we never had the best relationship, she's still my mom and I still love her - when it's over, I'm disappearing. Changing my name and disowning myself, even from my brother. I'm not doing this anymore.

    **** and ****,

    Sorry to hear about the surgery postponement.
    You are welcome regarding recent scan.

    I wanted to let you and **** know that I went ahead and hired a company called **** **** **** who will be contacting either you and or **** to set up a time that the (Case Manager and owner) **** will come to the house for an initial 1 hour assessment. She will bring a nurse to check on your mom's general condition and evaluate her skin issue.
    The purpose of the service is to have a professional available locally to offer insight, resources for **** and family as her situation declines and or progresses.

    I spoke with **** about this as well as your uncle ****.
    I am advocating for an aid to come in possibly bimonthly to offer education about bathing your mom and providing routine showers. This will be addressed further once the nurse and case manager have done their initial assessment.

    I am going to have the case manager visit 1 time monthly to give additional support.

    If you both want to explore more about this opportunity feel free to call me. I do not have her full name in front of me but her partner's name is **** ****. The company was referred to me from the Alzheimer's Association. We may also be eligible for a 1,000 dollar grant to pay for the nurse's aid.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: for you. It must be really hard seeing your mum in this way, I know I wouldn't be able to cope with my mum having alzeihmer's, I can also understand you being frustrated with your aunt, it's like she is bossing you around...good or bad intentions I don't know, hopefully good. It's really lovely to see you say that you love your mum, I don't know what I'd do if I lost mine. I just want to wrap her up in cotton wool and keep her here forever.

    Am really sorry this is stressing you out so much, I hope you can get some kind of mutual agreement.

    hugs xx
  3. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    Thanks for the hugs, I really need some right now. Yeah, this is just a great big cluster**** all around, it's early-onset dementia so it's rapidly progressing. She's only 63, and she was fine before Oct 2013. Someone whose dad suffered from it told me it's a blessing that she's going so fast 'cause of how terrible it is watching it draw itself out, but at least we'd have time to get our balance. No hope on the aunt front, she's a bully and whatever intentions she has seem to run along the lines of seeing my brother and I out on the street while she says the opposite. "I'm just doing what's best for your mother." Yeah, right.

    I hope nothing like this ever happens to you, no one deserves to go through this.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I don't know much about the actual illness, I have seen people with it in the psych ward and it looks terrifying. I couldn't see my mom go through it ever, so you are a very strong person, stronger than you give yourself credit for. I am glad it's better than it might not have been! 63 is not old these days, bless her heart!
    Try and ignore your aunt or politely tell her to butt out that you can handle things from here.

    Good luck to you!
  5. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    With a family member sick everyone wants to help and most go about it the wrong way. I hope you find some peace soon.
  6. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    It really is, you remember her one way and then it's like taking care of a seven year old who wakes up two weeks later as a five year old, then maybe a month later you're dealing with a three year old. Some of her behavior really is like dealing with a small child, and other times she seems closer to normal. Tonight, she started saying 'No' when she meant yes, and 'No' when she meant no. Add on her tendency to slur her words and mumble, and I'm trying not to freak out. I don't feel very strong at all, just panicked and scared and frustrated, and half-tempted to let my aunt win. Then I remember how much she hates it when I stand up to her, and I decide to keep being a pain in her butt for as long as possible.

    Ugh, unfortunately neither of those is an option. She's on both the Power of Attorney and the Advanced Healthcare Directive, along with my brother and I, and mom's twin brother (Who's just as much of a pain). That mistake was made when this mess first started and she was doing a better job of pretending to help. I'm not sure how we can get rid of her now short of hiring a lawyer. (Which we're looking into.)

    Thanks. :hug:
  7. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    If my aunt genuinely wants to help anyone besides herself, I'll sell my Kingdom Hearts figures. Forget I said that.

    Thank you.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    God, that's awful. It must be like talking to and seeing a complete different person. I think you should stand up to your aunt if you really do not believe she has your mom and your best interests at heart. Fight your way in this, I'm sure if your mom could think clearly that is what she would have wanted.

    It sounds so tough what you're going through, I just hope you can get through this, we're here for you anytime :)
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