I promised myself that I wouldn't come on this site unless I'm feeling really down. I guess now is one of those times. It's been a long while since I've felt down enough to actually get on here and write something, and while good things happened, like me graduating from high school, getting a huge scholarship to the college of my choice, getting my drivers licsence and a job, I feel detached from the people around me and misunderstood. I often feel anxious, less than productive, and every little thing I do is wrong. I also am plagued with extreme feelings of guilt. I'm still fighting with my dad. He's tried to stop his drinking, but he's on and off with it. He tried to pit my mother and myself against my two sisters. Our relationship has been getting steadily better. They've stopped ganging up on me, two on one, but rather, if me and the one try to fight, the other tries to step in and break us apart. We've reached a mutual agreement that this fight against my dad is something that we must fight together, so we(meaning my mom, my sisters, and myself) try to stay united on that front. It's weird, how I feel. I've been having my really, really up days, and they've been steadily getting better, and then it just all came crashing down in a matter of a week. First and foremost, a very good friend of mine pretty much rejected me in front of all his friends. His grad party was over the weekend, and of course, I was invited. Not to sound conceited or entitled, but pretty much everyone thinks we're a couple because we kind of, well, act like a couple. I hoped we could be a couple, since we hold a value for each other and don't see each other as pointless objects to make the other look better. So when one of our friends pushed him a little to far with questions, he said he's rather be my friend for a couple years than my boyfriend for a year. I don't know if I was receiving his signals wrong, and while I appreciate the value he has on our friendship, it still stung. A day after that, there was a huge fight with my dad... It got really bad because I ate a cookie that my sister made after a ten hour shift at McDonalds(and I'm going to say right now, I'm not "lovin' it"), and she flipped her lid. My dad, taking the chance to further spread the gap between us, told me that he heard her say which cookies I could and could not eat and how I ate the cookie on purpose and blah blah blah. But the main thing that got me was that he was mad because she worked 'so hard' on frosting them. Yeah. Like those notebooks of mine that I've filled with rough drafts of manga that he purposefully spilled coffee on. I confronted him on that and he said that my drawings weren't important because they were 'pointless' and 'nonproductive'. This escalated to a very long and violent fight between not only my dad and I, but my sisters and mom as well. My other sister, who weightlifts, tried to get between a fight that I was having with the cookie sister, and it got so bad between the three of us that my mom ended up tackling the two of them. The weightlifting sister twisted her foot bad(it was only bruised, thank god). This led to everyone saying I ruined her career and her future scholarship that she could have gotten. The lines that I were told by my father: "None of this never would have happened if she wasn't around." "She just finds a way to ruin everything." "All this depression sh*t is a ploy for attention." "She's just jealous that she'll never be as talented as her sisters." "You're destined to be a ghetto prostitute, you white trash c*nt. Have fun in your trailer." "You think you can act however you want because you're tired from work? Your job is pointless compared to what I do. I could *insert something vulgar* and they'd make you clean it up because that's all you'll ever be. A sh*tty McDonalds worker." This was also mixed in with every name you could think of, a few punches to the face, and being told my parents married out of obligation. And when I say that, I mean my Mom had me a few months before she got married to my Dad. They felt obligated to be married because they didn't use protection. And I KNOW he went after her the same way he comes after me before I turned about ten or so. And I was also reminded that I was 'just like him' so I'm destined to treat my kids the same way. He also made a point that the only reason any guy would want me was because he would be desperate for sex, and me getting pregnant would be an accident. AFTER all that, I basically sat in my room crying for a good hour with my vile of humalog in one hand and a needle in another. I know that if I overdose on humalog, as a diabetic, it could kill me. My Mom managed to calm me down enough and told me she'd take me to my grandparents(her parents) in another state, so of course, that didn't happen. And the kicker of it all was that my Dad's family(my grandparents, aunt, uncle, cousins...) STILL came that night for dinner, and I was forced to act like everything was fine(even though it really, really wasn't). And the next day I had to go into work on another eight hour shift at McDonalds, where I basically went through the day in a daze since I couldn't think straight. I'm gonna note he's been heavily drinking all day while I was at work, and he felt horrible about it the next day, but that doesn't really excuse it. What's the point of you feeling sorry now when I've been dealing with this for eight years? Aaaaaaand to top it all off, I got into a little fenderbender today while backing out of country fair. It was a minor thing, an accident, but the car isn't on my insurance, it's on my Mom's, and she was PISSED. Like, so mad that she refused to talk to me until about nine at night(this happened at two). I understand her anger, but the silent treatment does NOT help my anxiety. Plus on this situation: My parents decided it was fair enough that I only pay the deductable. We can't determine if this was my fault or the other persons fault, since I suspiciously have the huge dent in my car while the lady I hit has a few scratches. So depending on what the insurance companies investigation says, I might have to pay a $250 deductable instead of a $500 one. Minus: My parents don't trust me anymore. I was supposed to be driving to my aunts to babysit, and I stopped at country fair to pick up a soda because it was HOT today. Now they're going around timing my rout to and from work, as well as to common places they send me on errands like the grocery store and such. I'm technically eighteen and an adult, but I feel even more controlled than ever before. Plus the pressure from having to do well at college, while working is getting to me. I've felt unmotivated to write or draw, things I love to do, and I'm basically at the point where if I'm not watching TV, I feel incredibly bored and useless. I'm at the point where all I feel motivated to do is channel surf, maybe log onto youtube. My thoughts are constantly laced with reminders of how useless I am, and of course, I'm hearing the words of every mean thing anyone has ever said to me. But on the flipside, I hate talking about it because I've been told by both my parents that I "love playing the victim". This makes me wonder if I really am just pitying myself or if I have a serious problem. Or if my apparently constant pity party is a problem in and of itself. And my Mom also promised me on countless occasions that she would take me to therapy, take me to some children of abusive alcoholics clinic, take me SOMEWHERE to get help, but she hasn't. I would like some form of help, and at this point, I probably need it.