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Well, I'm gonna introduce myself, right?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Cooki, May 3, 2014.

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  1. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Well, hey :)
    At first, I want to explain my username. When I was a kid, I used to replace every bad word with "Keks", which is the German word for "cookie". After a while, my brother began using words like "earthcooki", "angelcooki", "firecooki" and so on as his usernames for different things. By that time I already knew that the English word for keks is cookie, but I couldn't spell it, so I thought my brother probably spelled it correctly. And ever since, my nickname was "Cooki", because it simply sounds better than "Keks".
    So, yeah, that's why I am Cooki. I should probably tell you why I'm here, huh?
    Well, it all began when I was 5 and got to elementary school. In kindergarten, I had had a lot of friends, at least I thought so. When I had to go to first grade, I lost all of them. In third grade, I finally found new friends, but after fourth grade, when I was ten, I had to go to secondary school and lost all of them again. My new classmates were really friendly to me, I even made friends with a girl that seemed nice. But just a few weeks later, they all started throwing things at me during lessons. Rubbers, pieces of paper, nails, tiny crosses, sometimes even liquids like coke or applejuice. I'm a worthless, soulless ginger, they said. I shall stop eating souls. It got worse with every single day, for the next year. And then, nobody seemed to see me for the next two years. I felt like a ghost. In sixth grade, my brother kinda coupled me with a guy I knew from the fight/self-defence club my parents had put me in when I was 5. It turned out that this guy would only hurt me. My parents and my brother would never get to know what he did to me. Some day, I was at his place, he longed for me to show him that I belonged to him. I needed him, because he gave me the attention I had always wanted. So I did what he wanted me to. I always did. When I was in seventh grade, that guy moved away, so he couldn't hurt me anymore. By then, I was already suicidal as whatever. I set up a deadline for one year, if nothing changed drastically to the better, I would kill myself that year later. When I came to 8th grade, I felt kinda comfortable being a loner. I finally got myself to be happy that I don't have "friends" that make my school-motivation lower. I could focus on working and getting good marks. And then, just before fall-break, I met that girl that changed my life. That saved my life. My year was almost over. But she made me smile for the first time ever since 3 years. She was the first person I ever hugged in my whole life. She took me to the school library, where all the sad and depressed and scene-people are. Then she left me alone, moved out of the country, back to where she came from half a year before that. I've only known her for three months, but she saved me. And I got to know a nice guy in library. When I told him that I kinda fell for him, he first said he didn't want to do that to anyone anymore. But after a while we were a couple, and I enjoyed having someone to look forward to meeting at school. But after two months, he left me alone too. My depressions came back, all I wanted was to die. I had been writing kind of a diary since the girl that saved me moved away. I only write in there when I'm really sad or really happy. The negative things were getting more and more the majority. But in the summerholidays, I got together with another guy. And now I'm in nineth grade, still with this guy, but I'm not quite over the last one, and my life is kinda messed up... And again I long to die...
    So well, now I'm here....
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Cooki nice to meet you Sorry you are so sad hun but here is a good place to let go of some of that sadness ok. You will meet many many people in your life hun they come and go but when the right one comes he will stay and you will be happy again you will hugs to you
  3. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    There are so many people that have told me they won't leave me alone, but I always ended up alone. My boyfriend says the same, but I somehow believe him. I mean, he knows kinda everything about me, and when I was really up to kill myself lately, he told me about the future I will miss then... He told me one thing that I wish so hard, but I never thought that he would even think about it..
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry you have had so much pain in your life. You keep posting here, Cooki. For years if you need to. As much as you want. We will be here. This is a place where lots of people who are in pain come to write. You can come here and write what you are feeling. And there are even diaries here. You can have a diary here if you want. People here understand. And together we stay alive
  5. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    :) it feels good to know that there are people out there that understand ^^
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