Well. I'm not Going to Lie.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mlc3520, Oct 31, 2012.

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  1. Mlc3520

    Mlc3520 New Member

    I've felt this way for a long time. Years, to be honest with you. Of course some nights this burden is easier, but on nights live tonight, it's much more difficult to bear. But I'll tell you now a little bit more of how I'm feeling.

    I'm a cutter, I have been for 4-5 years, really. I'm a junior in high school now, and I started cutting in middle school. Every day I wake up and all I want to do is to live on, but I find it so difficult because in the back of my mind there's always the thought that I want to kill myself, I want to die, and I want it to effect all of those who are around me.

    I guess you wouldn't call it so much bullying, really. I am sexually harassed, every day. I have been since middle school. At one point in time it receded when I had my first boyfriend, but that's a different painful story on its own. To be brief, I've told people and told people and it won't be stopped.

    What gets me the most, really, is everywhere I go I can't get rid of this damn reputation. I don't know why I came to have it or how such rumors started, maybe own self negligence? Or someone who really just wants to watch me fall? I am not quite sure but all I know is that I am treated like a *****. And I'll be honest right here, I don't have anything to hide. I slept with a boy once, and we were engaged at the time, but the rumors hailed in long before that, that incident only made things much worse. Either way, I can't stand it. I was just sitting in my shower today, cutting myself and thinking about how it will never escape me. No matter where I go, and if I manage to catch those amazing goals I once set for myself in my life while I was happy, there will always be this black cloud above my name. And it is my name. I cannot have another, or I would.

    I guess my point is that I'm thinking of suicide constantly. At this current point in time I have honestly only kept myself alive out of the guilt of my best friend when I told him. He told me he'd probably kill himself if any of his close friends did. My problem is that I don't want to come off crazy, or my parents will find out. I don't like when my parents find out, because the last time they found out I was depressed they yelled and yelled at me and threatened to send me off. I'm not that crazy I'm really not... I don't think so anyway. I can't tell anyone anymore. I've shown too much "positive" steps for them to realize that I am still greatly lacking in the ability to move on, ever.

    And another thing I really miss is writing. You see, I'm in the marching band. I play clarinet... But I hate it. It takes up all of my time but I do it to make my parents proud... and they're not proud. But they won't let me stop. I guess I do just about anything my parents ask of me (which is too damn much, it puts so much stress on my plate that I barely have the room to breathe.)

    I don't know. I just want someone to help me help myself. Or just listen and to stop writing me off the second I get a point or two across. (Because even know, I have a lot more points I'd like to say, but I feel like they're so pointless...)
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello Megan,
    I see where you are coming from now. School is well.....school. And the best advice I can give you is to go to Penn Foster. They have an awesome HS program. It affordable and you can work at your own pace and everything. A part time job can pay for it. Its $1 dollar down and 48.00 a month and they give you 2 yrs per grade to complete it. I had dropped out years ago, and now and going through Penn Foster for my HSD. I am terrible in math so I cannot get my GED for the life of me. They messed me up with adding algebra. If you are good in algebra get your GED it's cheaper and it will be over and done.

    Oh yeah back to the school thing. Kids are getting worse by the minute. You wanna know why? Because parents slave away for money and shove them off to strangers from day one. No one hardly disciplines anymore. Some people call it abuse if you spank your kid! Yeah crazy for sure. I spank. Anyways the great news for you is that life outside of school is not like life in it. Phew right? School is hell, and will be that a way till you either get your GED or HSD with a long distance learning program.

    You shouldn't punish yourself for these attitudes and this terrible reputation that people have put on you. Its not your fault. I woun't write you off either. I know exactly what you are going through. I was bothered my whole school year for one thing or another and it drove me to do the same thing and want the same thing. Once I was out of school though I found it wasn't like that hell hole and it was much more tolerable. :hug: hang in there girl!
  3. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Sadly people can be so cruel :hug: anyone can be picked on/bullied for any reason :hug:

    Hang in there and keep talking here :hug:
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It does not matter how it is dressed up - if people are doing or saying things to upset you intentionally it is bullying. I am glad you found us and hope you can find some support and a safe place here....

    Take Care and Be Safe

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