Well, I'm still here.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mert, Aug 31, 2007.

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  1. Mert

    Mert Member

    I shall start by responding to the latest replys to my previous post.

    First of all is hecte. You had made a list of reasons for me not to kill myself. As far as your first reason goes, I agree. I am too young to really have experienced enough. But this wasn't enough of a reason for me, and it still isn't; the only experiences I can go by in making my decisions are my own experiences, regardless of their youth. For your second reason, I have actually found it to be incredibly helpful to be close friends with this girl, and this is partially because I value a friend relationship over a girlfriend relationship. Friend relationships are deeper, last longer, and offer the most hope in my situation. Your third reason... You are fully correct. I feel misunderstood. It is easy to drown yourself, regarding your fourth note. You go underwater and you breathe it in. You don't have to make yourself pass out underwater, you simply have to purposely breathe the water. Most philosophers are full of shit. And I know my suicide would pain many people, but that's a line I was willing to draw on Monday.

    Trip the dark fantastic, I understand what you are saying. But my life has been getting nothing but worse from the start. Many people speak of life as an emotional rollercoaster, with ups and downs. But my life is just one big downhill, with a few teasers/bumps here and there.

    meh... This girl does indeed recognize how great I am. But you must understand, she is quite completely that great herself. She is actually somewhat younger than me, and while she is not quite up to my level philosophically, she is very intelligent, possibly more so than me in an academic sense. So she's not impressed out of her mind by my writings.

    TwilightHours: This fails to give life meaning because of history. Nobody, nothing, has ever solved the riddles of truth in life, and I don't think anybody ever will. It's fun to think about, but it is a problem nonetheless.

    TranceAngel and Sue... My family loves me very much. What you said applies, Sue. I know that your pain would be their pain if I did it. Just read my story below. Thanks for the emails, guys. Sorry.

    So here is my story. I posted here late on sunday/monday night, talking about my plans to kill myself. At about the time I posted, I sent an email to the girl I love (her name is Flannery) saying goodbye, I'm sorry, I love you, things like that. I told her about how I planned to kill myself, and that I was going to do it. I felt absolutely terrible on Sunday, it was unbearable. And then came Monday, and I felt nothing. Apathy, maybe. That was my last day alive! I didn't care anymore; I was seriously going to kill myself, and I would have. But Flannery check's her email more often than I thought. Her father contacted my father and said that I needed immediate help, due to the nature of my email. Flannery was worried sick (literally; she was actually throwing up, I heard). So my dad took me to the emergency room, and they put me in the mental hospital for the week. I just got out today, Friday, in the afternoon.

    The hospital did nothing to solve my problems, and I am still very depressed. However, it did get me back on my feet, and it sorta stabilized me. I talked to several psychiatrists about my problems. They didn't tell me anything new regarding the girl; just let things happen as they will happen, there's nothing more you can do about it. But one of the psychiatrists was something of a deep thinker and was able to help me somewhat with my deep thinking problem. First of all, he said that it mildly resembles obsessive compulsive disorder. I'm going to continue recieving counseling from him in the coming months, and he will try some of the methods used for patients with OCD. Secondly, he said that I have to learn to accept the human condition. My problem is that I can't accept things that I experience because they are experienced from the limited human perception. It would be conceited and foolish to pretend that you were something more than human, no matter how deep a thinker you are. So, while I can continue to gripe about it and philosophize about it, I must accept that this is my perspective, and that I must trust it, since there is nothing else to stand on. But this will continue to bother me, since I will have second thoughts about any causes I join in the future, not to mention my environmentalism. I can second-guess myself at anything.

    I was also put on Prozac, a popular anti-depressant for adolescents. I am optimistic that it will be able to help me feel better, maybe. At any rate, while I'm still depressed, I'm not having organized suicidal thoughts anymore. I will continue to talk here on the forum, to keep you all updated. Thank you all.

  2. TwilightHours

    TwilightHours Active Member

    Well, perhaps nobody will ever succeed in this, perhaps someone will. I suppose you could just see it as making a goal to find reason to live. Find something you truly desire, and strive to attain it.

    Nice to hear you're ok. I'm currently on Prozac, and although it works no miracles, it helps.
  3. Mert

    Mert Member

    Prozac will hopefully give me another method of coping with my problems. Suicidal feelings result when pain outweighs resources for coping with pain, after all.

    My goal has always been to find a reason to live. When I told this to my psychiatrist, he said to set a more realistic goal. Lol. Anyway, it's good to hear from you.
  4. TranceAngel

    TranceAngel Well-Known Member

    :biggrin: mert! you have no idea how happy i am to see you around! i know things aren't easy, but you're taking steps and that's a big deal. i will let sue know also. she will be equally happy. my friend you are loved. we're here if you ever need us.
  5. sorghin

    sorghin New Member

    Good to see you're still around man!

    Good luck with everything! :smile:
  6. Mert

    Mert Member

    Good to hear from all of you. Listen, I'm going on a family vacation for Labor Day, so I won't be posting for a couple of days. Just letting you know, so you won't get worried or anything!
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