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Well im still here...

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#1
Only just :rolleyes:

Feel differently to how i did in my last post. I have my up days and my down days, at the moment i now feel that feeling suicidal is stupid, and that i dont actually want to die i just want the people i love to know that i just want some help. I'm so good at hiding it no one knows.

I would say im on the up at the moment, general things in my life have improved. I took it upon myself to do somthing about my unbelieveable lack of self esteem.

I constantly think my boyfriend is cheating, that he doesnt love me etc but im learning to shut out the voices that make me think those things. I cant explain it but ill think somthing terrible, then this voice comes in my head and says 'now come on, you know your being stupid so just stop it. now.' which works most of the time but there are times i cant listen to my logical self. I hope this will get better with time, well i prey it does if i ever want to have any kind of 'normal' relationship.

My heart goes out to the people who feel how i used to (and still sometimes still do) there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, you have to work and work for it but when it comes it makes up for all the heartache and pain.

Some nights when i was at an all time low i would sit there with a knife and mentally dare myself to do it. But by preoccuping myself it would go and go, untill i hadnt done it for ages. Then one day i had a fight with my man and just slammed the door on him and walked away. I didnt go into the bathroom and cry my eyes out and contemplate killing myself.

I know some of you probably dont understand what im writing, but imagine being stood in a fog for a very long time and no matter what way you ran the fog didnt clear. Then one day when your at your lowest a hand comes out of the fog and leads you away, you feel safe and like somthing has been lifted from you. You turn and look and the person leading you away from the fog is you. Well thats about it :smile:

Anyone contemplating taking their life, step out of your body and really look hard at yourself, why leave when there is so much out there waiting for you?

xx
 

helena

Staff Alumni
#5
:) that's great to hear, wonderfull that things are getting even better, and I hope they'll keep on going forwards.
I'm glad you're here as well and bringing hope for those still in the fog :) (loved the metaphor)
Take care,
:hug:
helena
 
#6
Still here, i am taking prozac atm after having a lapse last year. Feeling better - but they have increased my appetite hundredfold. Put on 28lbs in 2 months :(

Ill get there, eventually.... and hopefully before im 100 :blink:
 
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