well, it happened

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by strange_crusade, Mar 21, 2014.

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  1. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    I cut myself yesterday while alone in the house. Haven't told anyone other than here and don't intend to.
    I could tell my therapist but what's the point? oh and she's not really a therapist, more like a free counselor at a DVC

    It's the first time I've done it at all in months, and the worst episode in over a year. The funny thing is I don't even know why it happened that day, of all days. I wasn't particularly upset, at least consciously. I was even in a good enough mood to sing to myself a bit. It felt like a ritual, like it was just suddenly the 'right time' to be doing such a violent thing to myself.

    I must have been dissociating, at least a little bit. I don't even remember making the decision, just that I picked up the blade.
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    .... but you don't like the results of what you did.....am I right?

    You know that it isn't the answer - but it is a cry for help, an expression of something inside that wants to come out and not be there any more.

    Try to see it s_c as an opportunity to look for your deeper motivations. If you Google "Healing our Violence" - it will show you that there are people out there who understand about this sort of things, and can give explanations. I promise you it is a far less painful way to go. You are Precious :)
  3. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    I'm mostly surprised. Worried. I've put a significant amount of effort into stopping this behavior and was very proud when I reached a full year without any SI at all back in October. Then I relapsed around December, but somehow managed to keep from a full return to the habit. I thought maybe it was over and I could get through without any further incident. Then just seemingly out of the blue I rip my thighs up BIGTIME after a shower. The only thing that struck me as unusual that day was waking up from some strange dreams.

    Interesting book, I'll see if I can find it at the library. I was re-reading a book titled Home with God by Neale Donald Walsch earlier yesterday, and found myself frustrated and disappointed by the message, as though I had been expecting some major comfort or hope from it, and instead I was met with only confusion and rage when it said all circumstances were totally perfect and right. I threw the book hard on the floor and haven't picked it up since.

    No, I don't think SI is an 'answer', but it serves as a powerful drug.

    Thanks for what you've said. I don't feel precious very often, but it's good of you to say that.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well, it's TRUE! We don't go by our feelings, we can learn another standard other than our feelings. That's rubbish to say that all circumstances are totally perfect and right - what a lot of poppycock, it is obvious that they are not, just trying to candyfloss over stuff that's not right, good for you for throwing the book on the floor! "Healing our Violence" is a set of C.Ds I've been listening to - I didn't know that they've done a book on it - the C.Ds are very much worth a listen - over and over until the message gets through - the first time tends to go over one's head somewhat (if it's anything like mine) - but they do explain heaps about what is wrong.

    Interesting you remark upon your dreams, dreams are our unconscious working things out for us and throwing up images. If you can remember their contents, write them down - some images are archetypal and give us meanings we can use to grow and heal :)

    p.s. my childhood/teenage years were quite dysfunctional (now looking back from +40 years I can understand more the reasons why) - and I still have the faint scar of attacking my thigh once - it was peculiar, back then in the early '70's, there was zilch in the way of public recognition of this activity, but I do understand about that pull to do it. I also know that when the mind has reasons it can make sense of, the feelings and urges dissipate. Try to look upon it as your invitation to gain insights you've not met yet. There is always a deeper truth that can medicate inwardly and set free :)
  5. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    Sorry, I meant audiobook. Bad habit - shortening audiobook to 'book'. I didn't see any other versions out there but the disc set.

    I am being pulled away from the computer right now, but I want to reply to what you said fully. I'll be back with more of a response in a few hours or tomorrow.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    ok will look forward to it :)
  7. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    all right, I'm back. :) Forgive me if some of this comes out awkwardly, as I am very confused about what I believe or even want to believe these days. I've already 'replied' a few times and just erased the whole thing. Heh.

    First off, thanks so much for the suggestion of Healing our Violence. I listened to the sample on amazon and I like his cadence :p Soothing voice. And yeah, just someone with a soothing voice can be helpful during crisis for me. I've thought I need something more than just music to listen to, a good audiobook. It doesn't look like it's at my library, and I'm broke, so it may take a while to get my hands on it. I have some major wounds with Christianity, thanks to abuse by family members within that framework. It's been very hard growing up with an abusive parent claiming devotion to God, the way he used it against me. It's hard to make spirituality my own, so I've tended to just reject it all together in the past.

    It is hard to accept the idea that everything that ever happens to anyone is perfect. Obviously, it doesn't look that way. I don't think it meant we shouldn't try to improve things or 'fix' what we think is wrong..more like there's so much more going on than what we can perceive. It still angers me if I think of it in reference to starving babies, victims in war etc, or even some of the things that have happened to me. Anyway, that Conversations with God series has really helped me in the past and opened my eyes to so many new ways to look at things. I'd say at certain points it even saved my life. It sure wasn't hitting the spot earlier when I read that, though. I just wanted to give up on them altogether. Yeah, sure it's just PERFECT when a father molests his daughter and totally screws up her mind and body for the rest of her life. I was thinking if this is really God's message here I want to punch him..

    I woke myself up that morning spitting into my pillow, then fell back asleep. (I know, weird). The dream involved a conversation with my sister, but I don't remember what she was doing in the dream or what we had been talking about. In waking life, I don't speak to her anymore and for good reason, so I can only imagine whatever she said to me in the dream was distasteful and I was spitting out my disgust. I used to write my dreams down every morning, but the past year or so they've been so disturbing I really don't want to remember them. I'd rather them fade away. I agree with what you say about our unconscious working things out in images...I'd just honestly rather not relive them when I wake up too. It used to be different! But sadly I find I'm not as eager to delve into my unconscious when it's filled with nightmares and sadness as when I was mainly experiencing fantastic scenarios and whimsical characters. I think there was a time in my life when I was much happier, and that's reflected in my dreams.

    Some scars seem to last forever. Sorry you've been through this, too.
    Yeah, I self-injured before I knew it was a 'thing', but not cutting. I have to say the sudden explosion of 'cutting' into popular awareness did affect me, though I was already sick with my own forms of SI. I remember having the compulsion to make myself bleed as early as nine years old, and have been doing it on and off since then. I didn't think to actually cut myself with a razor until I heard about it from something on TV, though..Tbh I think the main reason I was drawn to it at first was aesthetic. It seemed more appealing visually than just beating myself or some other things I won't mention here that I used to do. Too bad it wasn't any safer, because IMO it's worse and easier to really cause irreparable damage with such a sharp object.

    Yeah, about insights healing the behavior..I have a major block there, as I've been through some traumatic experiences and I can't even remember them fully, let alone gain insight into what happened. Most of my childhood is a blank. Everything feels wrong and there's so much unfinished 'business' from my past that doesn't seem resolvable.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2014
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Thanks S_C - just read the first para, and will reply to all the paras separately, if that's OK (brain can only concentrate on one point at a time!) I am glad you got to hear Fr. Keating's voice, I agree, it is very soothing and very loving - like you say, hearing such can really help our insides......... I could write out the gist of it for you, if you really would like to know (without it costing you anything) - but of course, that would be a slow process - however, I had planned to transcribe it into Word, so this would be a great opportunity (although there is a warning on the C.Ds. about reproductions in any form not being permitted, so I wouldn't do it precisely). I totally understand about wounds with Xianity - join the club!! I grew up with a Pentecostal single mother who would not let me know my father "for your own protection" - imagine what that did to my ability to trust Father! - but because of it, I've come to some understanding of the dynamics about family soul-tie wounds now because I've worked on them big time - it was a case of having to get it all sorted for my own health's sake. I may be able to help you here, PM if you'd like. I do agree, it is hard to make spirituality our own when we inherit only the "do as I say, not as I do" version...
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    It's hard to accept the idea S_C, because that isn't reality, so of course you can't accept it. I don't know anything about the Conversations with God book, but not all books with 'God' in the title are going to be full of real truth even though they may purport to be. Some stuff might be helpful, some not - we can swallow the wholesome bits and spit out the bones, like eating fish, lol! Abuse is never good, and God isn't the cause of it. OK then, why doesn't He stop it, like everyone would like Him to? It has to do with what He bestowed on humanity right at the beginning, our freewill. God doesn't and will not violate it. Otherwise we would be puppets, not capable of moral free, willing choice. Look at what they did to Jesus - God has suffered the greatest abuse that mankind chose to do a person, and yet because of the Resurrection, legally it has all been turned around. It does take time to come into the understanding of all that this means, but conversion and transformation is a slow and gradual process in many respects, not all of us get blessed with the instant light-bulb turn-on sort of thing, and that's really OK:pray2:
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    As far as the dreams go, if you don't want to dwell on them that's totally fine of course. We are always in control about what we do with them or how we think of them. My mentor says that "Trying to navigate our lives by listening to dreams is like trying to sail the Atlantic using seagulls as navigation beacons" (I quite like that analogy!) Although I will tell you a dream I had about a year ago because it is an instance of a really helpful one:

    I was away from home, and reading a novel, which had nothing about dreams in it at all, but I dreamed one night of a supernatural hand reaching into my brain and taking something out of it! The next day I started reading the novel again and after a page or two, read the following piece of discourse between 2 characters: "Well, God reached his hand into my head and re-arranged a few things".... I thought that was pretty spot-on in confirming my dream - but the most wonderful part was that on arriving home, we watched an episode of Red Dwarf where the mechanoid Kryten had his head opened by Lister, who then proceeded to take out Kryten's guilt chip! This was so God speaking to me, I could not deny it, and it all kicked off with that dream - which actually wasn't a warm fuzzy dream at all, in fact the hand had a sinister feel about it, or maybe that was telling me about my subconscious view of God, that something within me considers he is sinister - but I know it helped over a particular burden I was carrying then......
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I am sure S.H-ing is our soul crying out for more knowledge than doesn't seem to be readily available. We know that there is plenty that doesn't seem right for us, and don't think we've got what it takes to withstand the pressures we feel. It's a way of trying to do something, but with the obvious result that we know before hand that the end result will be very much the opposite. However, acknowledging that it's a problem is the first step. What to do about the next is where we're at. Being open to learning how to gain insights is the key. I know that listening to really good stuff like Fr. Keating is food for our soul and spirit - anything that furthers our connection with the One Who Loves us the Absolute Most is the wisest thing to consider, even though we know we have blocks on our side, they are no obstacles to Him (objectively) - it's our feelings that won't let us believe this, most of the time. But this can be resolvable S_C, I promise you. Even though you may feel estranged, we can always tell him that we're willing to start over, and begin the journey into freedom, and we can take on board the concepts that produce this. It's a bit like growing carrots from seed - we put the seeds in the ground and cover them over and trust that a crop will eventually happen - but we don't rush out every morning and dig the seeds up to see what's happening....
  12. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    Hey, no worries on seperate replies, Precious. I will likely do the same here. If you are going to transcribe his words anyway, and don't feel uncomfortable sharing, I would love to read it. But, don't do it on my behalf and please respect the copyright, though from the sound of it you would anyway.

    Yes, it is only recently that I have had strong thoughts about these wounds, that it is a real shame I'm allowing other people's warped beliefs and hypocrisies to dictate what I will actually believe myself! Too many here to count, but yes father issues are definitely included, as well as some very pushy (well-meaning or not) peers in highschool etc. I knew a girl I considered a very close friend give me a present for Christmas. It was a cute teddy bear with a 'secret message' inside. I thought this was so sweet and thoughtful of her until I opened up the letter that proclaimed, 'tongue-in-cheek': "This teddy bear is sad because you are going to hell. Remember, Jesus loves you!"

    And that's just a very minor incident in a long list of grievances and sorrows...

    I know what you mean about having to sort it out for the sake of your health. I might need to PM you about that part, heh
  13. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend


    Am going to be stretched time-wise over the next few days as we have visitors, - perhaps it would be best to PM anything I'm able to transcribe from Keating - unless others post that they'd like to see it.
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