Well, looks like I'm living to see another day after all.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Nov 9, 2011.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Right when I finished all of my letters to everybody and was going to attempt to kill myself, my husband texted me that he was coming home for lunch from work. And his work is only 10 minutes from the house, so obviously, I couldn't do what I wanted to do right then. But it's okay I thought, I'll do it when he goes back to work. But when he came home, he said the most shocking thing that I've ever heard him say. He said "I found like 5 extra bags of heroin from before in my car, and I don't want them all, will you take a few from me?" I was like "You? Extra bags? You actually found more bags, and you DON'T want to do them?" He said "No...after today, I really want to quit. I want to be done with the stuff. I want to go to the NA meeting with you tomorrow and I want to get better, get our lives back in order." I was so proud of him and shocked at the same time. It gave me some extra hope that maybe...just maybe...things may get better and he'll stop using. At least for a while. I know that there's a very big chance he'll still relapse in the future, but he's been doing it every single day lately...so if he stays clean for at least a few months, that's a lot of progress in my eyes.

    So after that happened, I thought twice about what I was going to do. And he could tell that I was extremely down and depressed so he told me that I should probably do the extras he was giving me, just to help lift my mood. He said that he'd rather I do that than come home from work and find me dead. So, I did it, and I don't feel depressed or suicidal anymore...and that, plus the hope I now feel that perhaps we can help control his addiction better makes me not want to kill myself today after all.

    So I just wanted to let you guys know that I'll be alright today.

    Also, I understand that some people will probably say that regardless of the circumstances I shouldn't have done heroin, but today I feel like it was better than the alternative and I just want to make it clear that I'm not proud of resorting to using it, but I'm not a full-blown addict like my husband. I have addictive behavior because I have Borderline PD. I use different drugs every now and then, but I am not addicted to any of them. I have never went out and bought heroin myself, was never the first to suggest to use it, and I don't get high for no reason, only if my emotions and suicidal thoughts get out of control. I can also stop using and stay clean whenever I want to, and I have for many months after every time I've used. I just felt like I needed to say that and clear things up to some people...but hopefully we both will stop using completely!
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 9, 2011
  2. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Wow you must be rich people,I've never heard of junkies having like 5 extra bags of gear laying about in their car. More power to you both tho if you can clean up.
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what size bags you think I'm talking about. They're just small baggies. Each one is worth 10 bucks on the street. And we're totally not rich at all. I have no job, and he gets paid $10 an hour. We barely make enough to get by.

    But thanks for the support on getting clean.
  4. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Sorry it's just that my brother has been down that road and I don't think he ever had spare. Your partner showed real strength in bringing those baggies into the house and saying what he did tho. I really do wish you both well and hope you can stay strong together.
  5. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Yeah trust me, my husband has never had any "spare" heroin before either. There was no such thing for him. That's why I was so shocked. But, again, thank you for the support :) I really am very proud of him for what he did and I hope everything turns out okay too.
  6. Degenerate Escapist

    Degenerate Escapist Well-Known Member

    I'm very happy for you. Reading this actually put a smile on my face. ^-^ I hope that things turn out better for the both of you.
  7. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you are feeling better and I won't lecture u on the drug use because you have already admitted that it was not a wise choice but it helped u get through today. I'm glad that you were given the gift of hope today and don't let go of it. You may find in the days to come, you or your husband stumble backwards, but that's ok. We all fall when learning to walk, the important thing is to keep getting up :)
  8. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Oh wow, I didn't realize this topic was here. When I read it, I assumed that you actually did try.

    I'm am very glad that you're okay and that might be an understatement. The fact that you're alive and well gives my face a reason to smile. You're well-being means a lot to me. I mean it. :)

    Please don't do heroin again. I realize that you realize it was a wrong thing to do, but I feel I have to say it anyway. Forgive me. :)
  9. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    I'm very happy to hear that you feel better, this is definitely very important.

    Keep us updated on how the NA meeting goes!
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