well my story

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by drow21, Sep 8, 2009.

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  1. drow21

    drow21 Active Member

    ive survived suicide at least 3 times, i honestly cant remember how many there are off hand

    i have massive scar on my wrist from knives

    i tried pills n booze and all that happened was well i was hyper upset and i passed out, and woke up 2 days later, i got bitched at by work, and well they tried "doping me to pick me up" i subsequently passed out again

    i jumped out a window and landed from a tree to land on a van, with only minor injuries

    i tried hanging myself but the thing i used broke and all i ended up doing was pulling some huge wooden thing on myself

    i know that that doing it is stupid n pointless, i just feel really low, i hate myself and i ether hurt myself or yell at ppl n push them away

    usually after a couple of days im happy im ok but really atm i can feel myself wanting to try
  2. blueman

    blueman Well-Known Member

    Wow, even in your depths of despair you've had some really 'bad' luck? I say 'bad' in quotes because, really it could've been a whole lot worse, such as brain damage from the pills and booze, paralysis from jumping out of a window or having some large wooden structuring dropping on you.
    Deep within you, you've no real desire to actually carry out this act, as if you did you would've taken more pills, jumped from a higher height, you certainly wouldn't be here seeking help as we all are now.
    I don't pretend for one minute I know exactly what you are going through, but I think I have experienced similar feelings, thoughts and right in the pit of my stomach there's a tiny speck of life, telling me to hang on. I'm sure you have that too. I hope you do.
    I wish you well.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey hope you have a therapist that can help you or a doctor who can prescribe you some antidepressants. I am glad you are here because people are supportive here. Best thing for the pain inside is to vent it out here. Write it out scream it out but don't let it stay inside okay. Let us know how we can help take care
  4. drow21

    drow21 Active Member

    my therapists well that's another tale in itself, one of them said i had deep emotional shock from an attack (i prefer not to say what happened but lets say i have never recovered) gave me tranquillizers and i was a zombie for about 3 years, my therapy ended up with my hanging attempt, i was kinda put into a hospital for a night and released (no beds, plus they just gave me another appointment to somebody else, which isn't really helping because i become imune to pills after a while (just after there taking effect really)

    id rather just talk to somebody who understands the low place ive been in anonymously thats why i joined here

    oh i stoped cutting myself becase i have to cut so deep now that it requires stitches
  5. blueman

    blueman Well-Known Member

    So you see, it's your natural instinct that you don't want to go so far as to succeed in committing suicide, otherwise it would've happened by now, considering the amount of times you've attempted.
    It may well be a cry for help, not 'attention' as some people put it. You desperately need help, as I did.
    I'm still receiving help in the form of antidepressants and deep-rooted counselling. The last thing I want is 'attention', I'll bet the same applies for a great many people here.
    I am happy to hear that you stopped harming yourself...
  6. drow21

    drow21 Active Member

    in reality i just want sth nice to happen to me

    im just sick of being rejected , for my beliefs, for work, for other things,, i used to be really into cutting so much in fact one of my legs is practically scar-tissue, , the trouble is its addictive

    ive been quite ill recently though i guess that's not helping
  7. drow21

    drow21 Active Member

    though that time i landed in the tree that was lucky , if it wasn't for the tree i probably would end up in hospital with broken bones
    i can actually smile about the idiocy of that one
  8. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    you must be a legend.

    Definition of a legend, someone who seems to keep surviving.

    I ended up in hospital, with OD, and I hear "with the amount you took I am surprised my heart rate is not higher", I was told I can';t be helped.
  9. drow21

    drow21 Active Member

    the word a nurse used once was cockroach

    yeah ive met real nice people
  10. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    That is horrible. There are real creeps working in hospitals.

    You sound like you want to live.

    Those damn trees getting in the way.:dry:
  11. bremer1990

    bremer1990 Member

    i currently work at a hospital as a nursing assistant. and i do notice that some people can be a little rude or just downright mean. sorry that happened to you. i hope they didnt get to you.
  12. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    Hey sweets,

    All I can say is that something is keeping you here. With my own inner pain, I don't know why I haven't wanted to kill myself. I guess because I've had two people I know commit suicide and it hurt so much and I have my kids. Even though I don't have many friends, most of what I say gets ignored in other forums and most people think I'm weird, it doesn't stop me from wanting to help someone else. I came here because I know I can be open and honest about how I feel without people telling me to "get over it," "you're too negative," or my favorite line "you just need to think more positive." I'd rather spend my time helping someone who appreciates it than people who think they're above it all and pass judgment on other people.

    I think you can be a big help to those who have attempted to take their life and failed. You've been down in the trenches so you know what it's like.

  13. drow21

    drow21 Active Member

    no ive learned that mostly people suck even people who claim that they love you , so at the time it felt kinda sore but now i just expect most people to be well in a word ***BEEP***
  14. UnderAchiever

    UnderAchiever New Member

    I wish I was at the stage.. your stage.. where I could just fucking do it!
  15. drow21

    drow21 Active Member

    believe me you don't, you know that you dont care, you even think of starting fights just so somebody can split your skull open

    you have no regard for yourself , you stop eating, barley sleep, you live a half life , a shadow life

    you don't want it
    ill never be better , i have come to terms with this i hate myself but really , you shouldn't you must have something your good at, i cannot do anything , i fail at everything , ok ot but im sorry i feel bad today
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