Life. Something that i have long hated since i was a young kid. Well to be in fact it all happened after my mom got rid of my only dog that was ever really mine. He was a best friend. Even tho i have a best friend that ive known for over 13 years.(since i was 4) But now a days i dont see him or talk to him. Hes in Germany im in US. But back to the story. The dog was my best friend, I always talked to him when i came home. He would wait for me at the door every time i came home. i could here his collar ringing back in forth as he came shuffling outta my room. I would talk to him when i was at home, tell him how my day was, pretend he could talk back. Tell him my crushes ask him like what should i do. And of course being about 12 or 13, made it seem as if he said a real answer and told me how to handle it. But after my mom got rid of him. i cried my eyes out, tried to hide him in a cardboard fort i made outta my science project in the corner. I slept in there with him hiding. But my mom sent me and my sister to my grandparents. i come home not hearing any jingaling from his collar. I looked all over couldnt find him and cried. My mom said he had to go. Since then ive been depressed, i stayed to my self in my room since i was 13. sucluded from everyone else. never talking to anyone really in the family. started to hurt my self every now and then when i couldnt handle it. Had marks up and down my arms. then stopped that. just stayed to my self. Alone. thinking about life, how come im here, why does this happen to me. why am i alive. things i still ask to my self now being 17. i still think my life is meaningless. my dad telling me as i grown up that im just a failure and that ill never amount to anything. i decieded to just agree. realized i was gonna be anything. just a no body and die in a ditch somewhere. or take my own life in my room. Im always depressed, even with friends i get depressed. i think of past relationships. think about it all. always being alone doesnt seem to help, just eggs me on on how i wont to die. Damn the other day the only reason why i found this site was because i typed in on google the least painful way to kill your self. Came across some interesting ones. Still dont know if i can do it. i have the chance, a shotgun in my closet from my big brother. i kno where he hid the shells. i know how to use a gun in everyway, strip, clean it. i could kill my self if i really wanted to. but i dont think im man enough to do it. i hate the fact that ill most likely go to hell and burn forever. if there is a hell or heaven. or if its just a black void with nothing in it. Depression sucks ass. and ive been deprssed since i was lil. Kinda think that life for everyone would be better if i was dead and gone.