Well shit. i just had an epiphany that I DON'T want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ToHelp, Aug 27, 2008.

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  1. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Hello Constant Reader,

    My primary, abiding problems in life right now--and they are MAJOR by any measure--amount to a protracted major depression that has become enmeshed with an addiction to unbelievable amounts of Klonopin. I won't even say. i scared :hiding:

    Oh, and Soma, lol. Always winds up as an afterthought because I didn't believe it could become such a consuming part of my day.

    The depression, I'd swear, was been on me for months now and get this--of an anlalytical, lucid (or conscious) nature. The past 44 years of my life has been craptacular and I really didn't to do any longer.

    A MERCIFUL CUT TO THE CHASE FOR YOU :)
    i dunno wha-? happened everyone, but something just occurred to me about an hour ago. It seems I am too attached to life-MY life!--and damnit you know, these are FIXABLE problems. All of 'em!

    I realized the "way out" (my exit pills)I've have stored for a short while now is just NOT WHAT I WANT.

    You can call me a gutton for punishment (it won't be simple or easy), but hell I can kick all this dope and find the right AD that will restore an air of "ok"-ness. I've this before, this time's just worse.

    MY PROBLEMS ARE FIXABLE; RESOLVABLE!!!!!!!!

    Listen--and this just applies to me, I would never for a nanosecond presume to know to your pain--I fig're like this--, if I die then baby that's IT.

    Barring some spiritual afterlife and the soul moving onward and the rest--there ain't no problems to solve, to work through, to live through.

    I WANT to solve, work through, overcome, and especially live through all this. Hate to resort to cliche. (LOL honestly. I do.) But everything you have just read about me is temporary and can be worked through. DEATH is 'all she wrote'; end of the line; opportunities, good fortunes, and unexpected solutions, mayhap even a special someone, never ever realized.

    [DAMN, EVEN 'THE CHASE' WAS LONG - sorry!]

    So...

    It becomes,

    "John, how bad do you want to live?"
    [answer] "Not all that bad really."
    "Well then when are we get around to this final exit?"
    [answer] "Uhhh, you don't understand see; things need to get unbearable first."
    "John? How bad do you want to just DIE? Can't we just get to it and do this thing?"
    [answer] "Oh! Uhm, uh. Well, hehehe, see I just- I mean I was-"
    "WHAT?"
    [answer]
    "i have promises to keep and miles to go before i sleep" ?


    * * * * * * * * *

    And so it goes my SF friends. There are too much darned many things to get done, experiences to be had, potentials to grow into, my writing. My writing! Ain't half bad right now; how much further can this be honed??

    Also got to see if I can finesse my way back into my recent, part-time job (Talk about self-confidence, that'd be super!)

    John
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2008
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you realized you have too much living left to do to die. I hope you do resolve your problems so you can see that your struggles were not wasted. Take care and good luck in securing your job back. :hug:
     
  3. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    good point, i've experienced moments where the fog lifts & i see clearly that
    it's about what's yet to be known & that we never know when/what the defining events of life will b or go. the mystery may b what keeps me going.
    off-topic & probably noted elsewhere, the guy who wrote "100 Things to do Before You Die" died recently at age 47 from a fall at home. he only got to do about half of them. ya never know. tc
     
  4. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    I've a major rehabilitation before me though, and I'd like to document it here. (If anything, to show it can be done.) First to be attacked must be this, this daily routine, that has all but become entrenched into a daily way of living:

    -I avoid going out (BAD).

    -I am dependent HEAVILY on some dangerously addicting drugs (far worse).

    So I figure those two tasks first. After that will come a return to a healthy diet and regaining of my strength. (On some days, in my depression, I have eaten nothing at all. (Yes, 'BAD'.)

    After 14 years of 'sobriety'--from alcohol--I finally can see that the disease-like aspect of it NEVER leaves you. Iow, you can be sober all your life, but the Beast, he waits. Silent. Deadly. Deep. Real.

    Getting into the Klonopin (and Xanax) re-ignited the whole process, and I now ALMOST as crippled in mind and body as during my worst days of drinking. That's amazing to me. Depression + addiction = death, EtOH or no.

    So some things, we just have to live through and experience to ever actually learn. (The cardinal rule is that an alky cannot toy with benzos.)

    IF it comes to worst, I'll admit myself into the hospital. But gawd I hate even the idea. Uninsured in America, I'd come away easily from $6,000 to $10,000 in debt--and at present I'm debt-free.

    That BITES.

    But I've got an ace in the hole. I -[.... I was distracted for 15 minutes and lost my train my train of thought. lol :eek:]

    But I'm hell I ain't KILL myself over it. Reckon that's the most significant thing, what say guys?

    :) John
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 28, 2008
  5. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    On waking up

    Good morning fellow sui-cui's. :) [Note, if you actually have a problem with that euphemism whose purpose is to lighten things anyway, would pls just PM me? We can talk about it! :)]

    I chose this forum btw b/c of the high traffic; doesn't really belong here and I'm aware of the fact. But I'd really like to have people's input and replies.

    So. I am making this entry because I'm just waking up. Normally waking when I'm in active addiction is] a really terrifying process. The hell of it is it can't be avoided. lol!

    I mean. You have to sleep. In order to sleep, one was must awaken. (... Well, if I one hasn't that 'final exit' step. Then, you NEVER have to awaken!! Weeee! No more life! No more problems... Hell, you stop aging. Sui is a miracle cure for life.)

    Fuck that shit.

    I still have WAY too much fight and desire. C'mon mates & lassies, you heard the convo up there in the first post. John, when really pushed, just doesn't want to die. I've said before, the willful act itself truly seems to be an abomination to nature--the rejection of something perhaps, just perhaps put upon one's shoulders for a reason.

    I dunno, these are just the candid reactions, shared neither to instill guilt nor shame. But a man can be honest right? Well it's just my automatic response--though I'll agrue it with myself often. Pls make no mistake there.

    * * * * * * *

    Well anyway the first thing I normally do is go STRAIGHTAWAY to my Klonopin and/or Xanax. This morning I've not yet done that; I want to document this recovery in the raw as well, see--not just with my Klonopin fix. (It's been about 90 minutes now that I have put it off.)

    If I'm depressed, the first moments are an amalgamation of some kind of... ewe, like waking into a bad dream that you realize IS YOUR LIFE, your lousy life.

    It ain't fun.

    * * * * * * *

    I'll note here that I have begun taking the Wellbutrin 300 XL + Zoloft 100 cocktail again and you know? It's... hey, at least i have my libido back. And that's... you know. Ahem, uplifting. :biggrin:

    It's only been about a week thus far.

    Well, I'll let you go. I really need and appreciate any acknowledgement of these entries, everyone. After all, that's the whole idea, is to have interaction, else i'd just post all this into the Diary section.

    I NEED your company. i REALLY need connections.

    John
     
  6. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    On awakening (waking up daily)

    Good morning fellow sui-cui's. :) [Note, if you actually have a problem with my use of this euphemism whose purpose is to lighten things anyway, would you pls just PM me? We can talk! :)]

    I chose this forum btw b/c of the high traffic; doesn't really belong here and I'm aware of the fact. But I'd really like to have people's input and replies.

    So. I am making this entry because I'm just waking up. Normally, awakening when I'm in active addiction is a really terrifying process.

    The hell of it is it can't be avoided (you must awake lol!) To live, you have to sleep. In order to sleep, one was must awaken. (Assuming of course one hasn't taken that final exit step.)

    Then, you NEVER have to awaken!! Weeee! No more life! No more problems... Hell, you stop aging. Think! Sui is the miracle cure for life, which is the slow process of dying from birth onward anyway. Oh, it's just incredible, the its solution to problems.

    Meh, I'm taking the piss of course, because FUCK that shit.

    I still have WAY too much fight and desire. C'mon mates & lassies, you heard the convo up there in the first post. John, when really pushed, just doesn't want to die of his own volition. Get it? Not like that.

    I've said before, the willful act truly seems an abomination to nature--the rejection of something perhaps, just perhaps put upon our shoulders for an important reason.

    I dunno, these are just candid thoughts, ok? Shared neither to instill guilt nor shame. But a man can be honest on here. Right? Well it's just my automatic response--though I'll argue it with myself often. Pls make no mistake there.

    * * * * * * *

    Well anyway the first thing I normally do is go STRAIGHTAWAY to my Klonopin and/or Xanax. I've got to put down the terror. This morning I've not yet done that; I want to document this recovery in the raw--not just with my Klonopin fix.

    It's been about 90 minutes now that I have put it off.

    If I'm depressed as well, the first moments an like waking into a bad dream that you realize IS YOUR LIFE, your lousy life.

    It ain't fun.

    But see. There is the promise of light for me. When I am not in active addiction or depression, waking up can be the most natural thing--as you remember from childhood.

    Refreshing, you'll stretch, you have plans and hop out of bed and get the coffee going and feed the pet (pets are awesome--I need to get a damned pet).

    * * * * * * *

    I'll note here that I have begun taking the Wellbutrin 300 XL + Zoloft 100 cocktail again and you know, it's... Well hey, at least i have my libido back. :blink: And that's... you know, ahem. Uplifting. :biggrin:

    It's only been about a week thus far on the cocktail.

    Well, I'll let you go. I really need and appreciate any acknowledgement of these entries, everyone. After all, that's the whole idea, is to have interaction, else i'd just post all this into the Diary section.

    I NEED your company. i REALLY need connections.

    John
     
  7. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    Congrats bro I'm happy to hear you've decided to face your demons. That can be a hard thing to overcome. You seem to have some enthusiasm for life what are some of your goals and aspirations?

    ahh how I miss that when I was smoking pot and dexedrin I felt that way now I am clean. And I have some TBD illness that has me incredbily ill, extremely fatigued etc, and just miserable.

    I should have quit at home or in a facility instead things just went insanely bad, and now I have an illness, not an addiction that can just be stoped( I'm not talking about depression physical symptoms here)
     
  8. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Hi Fargo and thanks for connecting with me (posting), eh?

    "Congrats bro I'm happy to hear you've decided to face your demons. That can be a hard thing to overcome. You seem to have some enthusiasm for life what are some of your goals and aspirations?"

    WHOAH there little doggie. Slow WAY down. lol Likely all I'm feeling are the effects of the added Wellbutrin 300 XL starting to come (it was added to the Zoloft 100 that I've been on for years).

    My goals are to get back a normal, healthy consistent mood and get my daily walks started again. Nothing loftier than that.

    "ahh how I miss that when I was smoking pot and dexedrin I felt that way now I am clean. And I have some TBD illness that has me incredbily ill, extremely fatigued etc, and just miserable."

    Is TBD "To Be Determined," as in idiopathic? You know, some doctors to this day still believe fibromyalgia is a concocted or psychopathological illness and nothing more. From the sound of it your illness is identical except you don't have the pain.

    (Note I'm NOT agreeing with the skeptics. Just found it interesting as both fibro and your unknown cannot measured or seen.)

    Have you a doctor about this?

    Fargo I would definitely not link it to the way you detoxed. There is no tangible reason for a correllation for doing so.

    How long have been clean?

    John
     
  9. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Oye, there fellow SF'ers. It's 9 p.m. and I'm just awakening.

    I had one hell of an experience today. Though I'm confident recovery (from depression) is happening, still I'm staying in far too much and being a the consummate recluse.

    I have this disconcerting ability to actually wake up from a fair night's rest, eat, then nod right back off. I much prefer to sleep than have to be awake.

    This is a cardinal sign of my depression and I'm REALLY hoping my meds will give me back some motivation to get out; to do. And I need to be getting out every day. We can start out small (my walks) and make a recovery to normal.

    But wow, my addictions are a BITCH. This morning--twelve hours ago--I started my day off with a nice snack and coffee. By noon I'd decided the day was going to be a wash because it was Labor Day, all banks closed and stuff.

    That was all I needed--a bullshit excuse, and before I had my heapng bowl of oatmeal I went and took a few Somas.

    God, what a terrible (dumb) addict I am. Halfway through the oatmeal, the Soma hit me like a ton and I was staggering and stuff.

    Then the worst happened. I spilled half my oatmeal--oatmeal, mind you!!! On me, on the carpet.

    Weeeeee! Lord, a penultimate mess to clean. So I did the best I could in my condition--then went right the fuck back to bed and slept all day.

    Depression is a bitch. Depression + addicton = Queen Bitch from Hell, y'all. :laugh:

    But as you can see, my spirits are up and I still have bountiful fight left in me. One thing at a time I keep telling myself. One thing at a time, John. Get off the rot (drugs), or get out of the depression, one.

    Meh. Even as I write this, I am not of a depressed mood. I'm convinced the meds are kicking in.

    [Yes, you can beat depression, then kick drugs. I've done it in all orders before, even simultaneously.]

    Thanks for reading everybody. Hope you had a tolerable day. Me, I... I wouldn't know. I slept.

    :laugh: John

    (Now, to go and finish cleaning up my mess, that spill. Oh joy.]
     
  10. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Oye. More solilocution here I guess since nobody wants to say hello. :(

    The clean-up went far easier than it should have. First, it wasn't all that much. Second, a powerful vacuum cleaner can performs wonders to behold.

    And that's all i have to say about that. Ok... yeh.
     
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi John. I'm glad to hear that you're taking steps to getting better. Keep up the good work. :)
     
  12. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Thank you kind sir. it's good to see somebody is following along.

    You can be all alone on a forum if you try and share and people just quick acknowledging you.

    (I.e., whatever happened to 2fargone? We can't dialogue without following; it's just duck-in and run, albeit out of politeness or something.

    Right, yeah so yeh ok then,
    John
     
  13. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    The worst of that damned oatmeal spill left a stain I thought would fade after drying. It didn't. Damnit. :mad:

    Since it's the least of my woes I have filed it in the proper place in back of my rhombencephalon. :)

    * * * * *

    Got up at 9 a.m. again (good *thumb up*). I'm really holding out for my extra AD to kick in. I have what seems a long road back to status normal.

    --For one, I simply HAVE to get outside every dayif only for a few minutes. This staying inside 24/7 I'm sure y'all know a recipe for remaining ill; hampers recovery.

    All right then thx again for your company.

    John
     
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Glad to see you taking so many steps forward John. Keep it up! See even I can take pleasure in seeing fellow members better themselves (lol)!
     
  15. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Aww, Carla. Now THAT'S a cool post. You didn't have to drop in but you did. Baby you rock. :biggrin: Goddamnit I just wish there were some way to assuage your own inner pain.

    So do you think you'll do it? The big sui-cui? (Is it an inevitability?)

    Unconditionally
    Luvs ya,
    John
     
  16. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Man, this is a hell through which I must have to walk to regain, in many ways my right to live. People make mistakes; addictions happen, sure they do.

    The effort one puts forth and then pain they are willing to experience leads us (well, me anyway) out of this rut.

    It is worth. Holy hell I have the ability to sleep 16 hours, stay inside for a week and become... actually because you know, you become agoraphobic when you let depression oppress you like.

    This is, I think, 10 days since my addition of Wellbutrin (bupropion) to my Zoloft. The potential really remains to be seen. And I have another post coming up to break the long entry.

    John
     
  17. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    As mentioned, I'm 44 years old and I'd swear this is the worst, the most prolonged bout of "not being myself" I have EVER seen. Except maybe for the active alcoholism days 15 years ago. (I've actually been "sober" 13 years, but the worst was one HELL of a tour through insanity and back around 1991).

    * * * * * *

    Cut to today. This ride is some kind of a fucked up different insanity. I swear I've caught myself waking up thinking:

    "I feel like I'm losing mind."

    Most people use that cliche light-heartedly, but I mean it, and that is scary. There are times now when feel I seriously feel as if I sliding straight downhill away from sanity--and sound judgemeent especially is escaping me.

    If I go clean, would that help put me back to "status normal"?

    You know. I just BET that my addictions are response for far of this pain than I can be aware of at present.

    For sure, I don't want to die but the quality and stability of living from here out is a one big unknown. Too much has gone down. I can't even get people here to IM with for me a few minutes at a time. Instant Messaging, I have found, is a crucial affirmation of reality, if that makes sense
    and a strong palliatiive, or salve, to my abject aloneness and loneliness.

    If people at SF aspire to care, then why am I having to reach, to try so long and hard to make vital connections on here? This, I do not get.

    Thanks for reading, ok?
    John
     
  18. psilocybin420

    psilocybin420 Member

    Hey John,

    Im glad that you dont want to die, death in and of itself, is a scary thing to do you know? I havent been here for a while, but you seem to have some courage. To be honest, I have abused klonopin in the past but atm im just taking what i need for anxiety.

    I personally am a big fan of Somas. I remember taking like 3 or 4 and being very inebrieated but i dont remember what it felt like, just kind of a warm feeling.

    I am severely depressed at the moment and i also have something what fargone has,, something that could be caused by a large amount of acid that my friend laced me up with on my 19th b-day. ever since then it seems like its been an existencial crisis..... who am I, why am I here, what is the purpose of this shit.. ect. ect. Im here for you, hit me up i will always listen

    --dan
     
  19. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey john

    did you get outside for a short walk today?

    :)

    cath.
     
  20. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Nahh. I'm still reclusive. You know, you can't pull this shit but for so long. Two things start to happen: ONE you get weak. No good at all. TWO you begin to become shy and afraid.

    Well, at least I KNOW those two hazards. *shrug* LOL

    Thx for keeping up enough to inquire of those two things Catherine.

    Danny boy. Soma. Oh God tell me about it. The warm fuzzies, the way they can knock you out if you wish (taking six will do wonders). But short of that, it is as you said--the sheer inebreation. Shit makes you drunk!

    I have my constantly touted "13 years" without a drink across different forums. But damn. Unless you take care of your fucking self and avoid all these pills, that bragging right just becomes a number and nothing more.

    Basically--I've wrecked any serious claim to sobriety. This has to end.

    So long as you're in some altered state of consciousness just to be.... in an altered state of consciousness (lol) and avoid facing reality head-on, I think that voids any lofty claims of not drinking.

    There. That's the FIRST time I've faced that and said it in public. I have always contended that the two (pills and booze) are not to be confused and reserved my right to take benzos.

    Well when you reach the point I have and they indeed do become confused (i.e. consequences are so close), I'm thinking that any that bragging righht amounts to a load of bull.

    Whew. That was a lot to get off my chest. Honesty stings like a bitch.

    Thank you everyone.
     
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