Well guys, I made it through the night. I am still feeling real depressed, but I didn't hurt myself. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine – we had a good talk. She thinks that the method I had chosen wouldn't have worked. I don't know whether it would of or not, and I don't know if I'm going to try it in the future – but I hope not. I feel little better. It was a really nice talk that we had, and I'm still very fuzzyheaded because I accidentally took too much Vicodin. I take Vicodin because of the pain from the rheumatoid arthritis, and I'm supposed to take it every eight hours and take a Tramadal in between, but I think I accidentally took the Vicodin again the second time instead of the Tramadal – either that or the higher dose of tramadol did it – not sure which, but I was really out of it. I kept repeating words, and I couldn't focus on anything. First I was talking about flowers, that I was talking about squirrels, then I was talking about eighth grade – I don't even know. For a while I just babbled on to my friend, then we both agreed I should take a nap. When I woke up, I felt a lot more mellow and very sad. But we had a really long conversation about my feelings and my fears, and we decided that deep down I really do want to live. I just have so much pain in my life, both physical and emotional, that death seems easier. But deep down I'm also afraid, both afraid to live and afraid to die . I'm afraid of the pain of life, but there's a part of me that very much does want to live. I haven't been in touch with that part of me for a really long time. I do know if that does make sense – I'm still a little high on the Vicodin. It doesn't normally make my head fuzzy or make it hard to focus, I think it was just that I took too much – again, it could be the increase in the other med though. I guess I'll find out when I next take it. The upside is I got no work done today and am still really behind on my job, which is blogging for a news service. I am afraid I'm not going to get paid very much at the end of the month, because I'm not writing, I"ve been too depressed. And I need the money so....that's not good. I will check in later. Please keep writing to me. I need the support. This is really really hard.