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Well, still here.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talia862, Nov 10, 2014.

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  1. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    Well guys, I made it through the night. I am still feeling real depressed, but I didn't hurt myself. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine – we had a good talk. She thinks that the method I had chosen wouldn't have worked. I don't know whether it would of or not, and I don't know if I'm going to try it in the future – but I hope not. I feel little better. It was a really nice talk that we had, and I'm still very fuzzyheaded because I accidentally took too much Vicodin. I take Vicodin because of the pain from the rheumatoid arthritis, and I'm supposed to take it every eight hours and take a Tramadal in between, but I think I accidentally took the Vicodin again the second time instead of the Tramadal – either that or the higher dose of tramadol did it – not sure which, but I was really out of it. I kept repeating words, and I couldn't focus on anything. First I was talking about flowers, that I was talking about squirrels, then I was talking about eighth grade – I don't even know. For a while I just babbled on to my friend, then we both agreed I should take a nap. When I woke up, I felt a lot more mellow and very sad. But we had a really long conversation about my feelings and my fears, and we decided that deep down I really do want to live. I just have so much pain in my life, both physical and emotional, that death seems easier. But deep down I'm also afraid, both afraid to live and afraid to die . I'm afraid of the pain of life, but there's a part of me that very much does want to live. I haven't been in touch with that part of me for a really long time. I do know if that does make sense – I'm still a little high on the Vicodin. It doesn't normally make my head fuzzy or make it hard to focus, I think it was just that I took too much – again, it could be the increase in the other med though. I guess I'll find out when I next take it.

    The upside is I got no work done today and am still really behind on my job, which is blogging for a news service. I am afraid I'm not going to get paid very much at the end of the month, because I'm not writing, I"ve been too depressed. And I need the money so....that's not good.

    I will check in later.

    Please keep writing to me. I need the support. This is really really hard.
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Why not spend few minutes at a time working on your blog pieces so you get paid at the end of the month, few minutes at a time
  3. SmolderingIce

    SmolderingIce Well-Known Member

    That's incredible that you have someone that you can go to and talk about your feelings and fears. It's okay to be afraid. We all are. There's so much uncertainty, how could we not be afraid? But those fears and how we as human beings can keep pursuing through them is what makes us stronger. Yeah, it's hard. Yes, these thoughts of ending it all are absolutely terrible.. But we keep moving forward. We gain more experience in this crazy thing called life, and it gets easier.
    There will always be unknowns and fears about the future. We will get through them, together.
    Good Luck, I'm sending all of my support your way.
  4. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I"m going to try real hard to do some work on a blog piece tomorrow. I do still have a bit of time- the tally is counted out on the last day of the month and paid on the third, so I have until the end of November (30th I think) before the next tally. I can still make it up if I take a few more days.....but I am going to have to get in gear at some point. The problem is, I just feel so miserable. I can't motivate myself to do anything.

    I am moving on Dec 10 or so, and I have to be all packed and ready by then. So I have a lot to do. I did pack one box today. At least I did that. It is kind of fun going through old bookshelves with books I haven't seen in years. I'm finding a lot of cool stuff to read when I move into the new place.
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